42 Signs Your Douchey College Self Still Lives


College was a beautiful four years of your life, where you could be a pretty terrible person, yet it was acceptable because you were young and dumb. It was just a phase, like disobeying your parents, throwing temper tantrums at restaurants, or shitting your diapers. After those four years, you are expected to become a normal, functioning person in the world. Sometimes it’s not that easy for a good portion of our age group. Transitioning from a borderline alcoholic lunatic to a less exciting, responsible adult is a big swing in lifestyle, personality, and habits. In short, the college douche that you were may live on still.

  1. You’d rather wear beat up Sperrys than finely made dress shoes.
  2. You guess who in the office went Greek.
  3. You go a little “too far” at happy hour with coworkers.
  4. You never wear an undershirt under your dress shirt.
  5. You wear old event tees as undershirts.
  6. You believe chest hair is not something you should hide, and you regularly let your chest hair flow at the office.
  7. You never understand why HR is constantly busting your balls.
  8. You hit on way too many coworkers.
  9. You talk about your parents’ wealth despite being 80 percent on your own.
  10. You take the rivalry between your company and the top competitor very seriously.
  11. You have almost gone toe-to-toe with an employee from that rival company at the bar.
  12. You still buy liquor in plastic bottles.
  13. The “frat lap” is the walk from your cube to the breakroom and back.
  14. Showing up to work slightly intoxicated occurs more frequently than showing up sober.
  15. You assume you can skip work like it’s that art gen ed from sophomore year.
  16. You make the interns carry cigarettes and a lighter at all times.
  17. You brag about fishing in the Gulf during bonito runs. You don’t know what a bonito fish looks like.
  18. The interns loathe your existence and fear you at the same time.
  19. You tend to have a beer or eight at lunch, despite company policies.
  20. You wear pastels every day.
  21. Your fridge has nothing but beer, condiments, and old Chinese food inside.
  22. Croakie tans.
  23. You interrupt company meetings with jokes about your latest slampiece.
  24. You still say “slampiece.”
  25. You have one framed picture in your cubicle. It’s of Ronald Reagan.
  26. You have absolutely no grasp of financial responsibility.
  27. You spend your vacation time at Padre, PCB, or Gulf Shores.
  28. You hashtag all your vacation trips. #PCB2k15
  29. You power point at everyone.
  30. There’s a flask of cheap whiskey hidden somewhere in your cube.
  31. You act like you are part of the one percent, yet your entry-level job pays $35,000.
  32. You make fun of what others drive even though your Tahoe is going on 10 years.
  33. You still relate to every ’80s movie antagonist.
  34. Stolen street signs and posters adorn your apartment walls.
  35. You openly brag about your subpar golf game.
  36. You thought casual Friday meant Chacos were okay.
  37. Your Facebook photos in college (and now) are basically the same inappropriate stuff.
  38. You think you are better than every single one of your coworkers, including superiors.
  39. Your “no sock” policy is still in effect.
  40. You enjoy kicking off your shoes at your desk and laugh when people complain about the stench.
  41. You still have your healthy addiction to Adderall.
  42. You really, really want to work for Jordan Belfort at Stratton Oakmont.

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