31 Reasons I Can’t Fucking Wait For March Madness


Ladies and gentlemen, it is upon us! March: the magical month bestowed upon us by the Good Lord himself, leading us toward holy grail of college hoops. Take a deep breath. Can you feel it? That’s the feeling you get when your blood pressure shoots through the roof. Call your bracketolegist, wash your lucky shirt and take your heart meds. It’s time to get ready for the best two weeks of the year.

  1. You get to yell at old people.
  2. You get to yell at actually pretty much anyone, because sports.
  3. Finding a reason to drink on Selection Sunday, whether that reason be out of celebration or anger.
  4. Filling out your bracket.
  5. And then filling out a bracket based on what you actually believe will happen.
  6. Wadding at least one bracket up and contemplating lighting it on fire.
  7. Workouts consisting of pacing back and forth an infinite number of times, holding a squat five inches in front of the TV for two hours at a time, and getting in some cardio by jumping up to yell profanity at the refs.
  8. Washing my lucky shirt on an almost daily basis. It’s not like it matters much since that grease stain from three years ago is still alive and well, but it’s the thought that counts.
  9. A reason for pizza, KFC, and beer multiple times a week without judgment. Suck it, swimsuit season.
  10. Productivity at work decreasing at the same rate watching teams I don’t necessarily care about increases.
  11. Chips and dips, mainly of the guac and queso varieties.
  12. People who are less interested in the game feeling compelled to bring food to people too interested in the game (re: me).
  13. Getting the opportunity to incorporate my entire arsenal of team-affiliated attire into business professional. Challenge accepted.
  14. Side bets.
  15. Emails about side bets from HR.
  16. Disregarding emails about side bets from HR.
  17. Watching the mighty fall.
  18. Watching the underdog win.
  19. Losing track of the number of times you say, “Shut up, Dick Vitale.”
  20. Rioting in the streets after a loss.
  21. Rioting in the streets after a win.
  22. Having a total disregard for the law.
  23. The internal debate you will have with yourself pertaining to that F-bomb you just dropped: are your parents suddenly cool and understanding of it or did they just not hear you?
  24. March Madness bar specials.
  25. Trash talking complete strangers on the Internet.
  26. Finding out who your true friends really are.
  27. It’s finally that time of year where you double check your medical information to make sure it’s up to date ahead of your impending stroke.
  28. #Teamcast and all those who clearly don’t understand it.
  29. There’s something to watch other than reruns of The Big Bang Theory. It’s amazing.
  30. High blood pressure, rampant alcoholism, temporary Tourette’s, hair loss, hernias, depression… I’ve covered all this before, and considering Christmas comes but once a year, I will treasure it all while it lasts.
  31. And by the time it’s all said and done, you’re less than a week away from Opening Day.

Image via Pierre E. Debbas/

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My state gave you J. Law, Clooney, two-fifths of the Backstreet Boys, and multiple fifths of bourbon. I gave you a cover letter using Brian McKnight lyrics. Psuedo-adult by day; PGP, TFM, and TSM contributor by night. Please don't ask me to do math.

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