3 Completely Legal Ways To Avoid Work, Pants


I consider myself the Dale Carnegie of college graduates, except I have nothing to give and my public speaking skills are rarely used and extraordinarily average. Regardless, I spend a lot of time thinking about helping others–in ways that help me even more.

I spent the first two hours of my morning trying to the figure how to get myself a free day off of work and wondering why Cheryl keeps CCing me on HR emails. It was one time, Cheryl. I came to the conclusion that on the individual level, it’s damn near impossible to plan–not to mention execute–a free day off work. However, it’s surprisingly easy to get what you want and get it for the entire office. And guess what? I’m going to share how to do it with you animals. Told you I was a philanthropist.

Rodent Infestation

You know what rodents love? Cheese. You know what’s cheaper than cheese and still works? Cereal. Grab a few family packs of Life at your nearest grocery store, but make sure to buy at least one quart of milk to avoid suspicion. Crush up those Quaker squares of deliciousness and spread them around the vents and in tight corners. You should also create little trails through the doors by the dumpsters, discreetly, of course. Then, just sit back and enjoy the infestation. While they close the doors to tent your building with pipin’ hot poison, you can enjoy a day with no pants.


Office relationships are ticking time bombs–it’s tickin’ time to take advantage. Leave some Post-it notes on Reggie’s desk whiles he’s on the can. Girly handwriting and heart drawings are perfect. Slyly sit back and watch the magic unfold. While they’re arguing in the break room, hop on the intern’s computer and send Debbie an email saying, “Had SO much fun last night. Let’s sex again soon! ;)” CC Reggie and one of them is bound to kill the other. You just have to be down with having blood on your hands. It’s not illegal to instigate.*

Chipotle Burrito Bowels

Shotgun out some invites for quesaritos on you for lunch. Even offer to pick them up and bring them back to the office. You’ll be the hero of headquarters, but it also gives you the luxury of quadrupling down on black beans and hot salsa. Get them so overstuffed and full of poop that they literally break the toilets. It’s important that all of the toilets break to get sent home, so be sure that all the bowels erupt simultaneously. Timing is everything.

*I have no idea if instigating is legal.

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