The gym is comparable to the ninth circle of hell. The air conditioning is never the right temperature. The joining fee alone is enough to set you back on your student loans. People on the machines may as well be hamsters. Death metal is not your ideal choice of music, and as a hypochondriac, you’re certain that traces of Ebola linger on the handles of the dumbbells.
What about the narcissistic meatheads who lift up their shirts to take a power selfie right in the middle of everyone else’s lifting space? Or the trainers who seem more judgmental than helpful? Clearly, the list goes on and on, and I’m sure you guys are going to troll this article with a fair amount of counterpoints. But for the sake of laziness, here are some ways to get in shape without having to step foot in a gym.
Disclaimer: I am not a certified trainer and some of these may get you fired.
- Have a lot of sex.
- Get a basket instead of a cart when grocery shopping.
- Wear high heels. (Men are welcome to do this, too, but proceed with caution.)
- Bring a football to the office and insist that it be tossed at all times.
- Take the stairs.
- Take the stairs two at a time.
- Sprint everywhere.
- Load a Jane Fonda DVD into your work computer and follow along in the aisle.
- Use your girlfriend’s puppies as weights.
- Do calf raises while you do the dishes.
- Wear a sweatband to work and dribble a basketball at your desk.
- Frequent raves.
- Jump on your bed.
- Leap through sprinklers whenever you see one.
- Take your boss’s tire off his car and flip it in the parking lot.
- Open and close the fridge door. Make sure to do both arms.
- March like a soldier–get those knees up!
- Only step on the cracks in the sidewalk.
- Punt every rock you see.
- Lunge around the cubicles.
- Push yourself around the office in your rolly chair.
- Ask your cubemate to spot you while you bench press a file cabinet.