About three months ago, I wrote “23 Lessons I Learned On My First Trip To Las Vegas.” Frankly, I was amazed at what I saw, because I actually thought I was God’s gift to drinking. I was the fake ID guy as a freshman in college, I was the beer bong guy at spring break, and recently, I was the guy who started U-S-A chants during the World Cup. Big whoop. Last weekend, I went back again for a high school buddy’s 25th birthday. He works in Hollywood, and let’s just say that people working in “the business” party a hell of a lot harder than I do. Renting a penthouse suite at Caesar’s Palace will definitely open your eyes to how the other half does it big in Vegas.

1. Don’t quote “The Hangover.” I know, I know. It’s literally one of my favorite movies of all time, and there is no other thing I enjoy more on this planet than quoting movie lines to make people laugh. Unfortunately, that movie came out five years ago and has already spawned two below average sequels. The jokes aren’t funny anymore, and you will receive awkward looks for trying to keep the dream that is Fat Jesus alive.

2. If you feel the need to upgrade to first class, do it on your flight in, and only for less than $200. I like to pass out as hard as I can on airplanes; it makes the flight go by the fastest. With that said, a smiling flight attendant shoveling me mini bottles of Champagne as fast as I can drink them makes the flight go by the second fastest.

3. Go to the pool parties. This is a rare duplicate from my first list, so it must be important. Las Vegas rarely gets below 95 degrees from May to September, even at night. What better way is there to enjoy the company of attractive, drunk, in-shape singles while sipping enormous, alcohol-filled slurpees? Also, wear sunscreen.

4. Hydrate. I’m just going to slip this one in early. Vegas is usually a 48- to 72-hour nonstop booze fest filled with an average of five hours of sleep a night and three hours of sun a day (yes, I just made up those numbers). I’m not a doctor, but a glass of water every now and then will not kill you. In fact, it might be the saving grace that keeps you alive. We’re not 19 anymore, and we need to take better care of our bodies.

5. Everything gets confiscated going into pool parties and clubs. However, there are some pretty cool contraband items if you feel like scouring the Internet. I had both a comb and a pack of gum taken from me in one of the lines I was in (too bad they didn’t check my socks for shooters). One dude in our group brought a sunscreen flask in his checked bag. It’s exactly what it sounds like, and it was the only thing allowed into the pool party. It held 20 ounces of liquor, easily.

6. Show up early to everything except brunch. (If you’re early enough for breakfast in Vegas, then you’re a better person than I am) That means get to your dinner reservations 20 minutes early, pool parties before noon, and clubs before 10:30, unless you legitimately know the owner. (If not, you, your boss, and your boss’s boss probably have no shot.) Vegas clubs overbook their tables and VIP areas, just like airplanes. Please don’t show up at midnight thinking your table is neatly roped off-it was given away an hour ago.

7. There is always a better view. Be happy with the room you rented. Just by taking a vacation to Vegas, you are living and partying better than 99.99 percent of the human population who has ever lived. Take a minute enjoy a deep breath of all you accomplished and be happy that you are able to splurge on yourself. Don’t lament the nicer rooms and higher blackjack limits. Your time will come.

8. Anything is for sale. I’m not even kidding. It’s almost disgusting how you can buy literally anything you want in Vegas if you have enough money. I’m going to let that fact sink in for a second. That said, an extra $20 to skip the 90-minute cab line or for room service to bring up a six pack of Coca-Cola for chasers (didn’t want to say “coke” for obvious reasons) goes a long way.

9. The TSA will try to confiscate your carry-on alcohol. Do not try to give the TSA agent $20. I repeat, do NOT try to bribe a TSA agent while your bag is being searched. Most of them are cool about it and will work with you. Simply explain that you’re a poor postgrad who doesn’t like paying $35 for a drink in Vegas. I caught a break; out of the $90 worth of 50 milliliter shooters crammed into my carry-on, I walked onto the plane with about two-thirds of my haul.

10. The minibar isn’t as expensive as you think. Yes, you snuck in the cheapest shooters possible. Now what? You don’t really expect me to shoot clearance vodka all weekend, do you? Grab a couple Sprites out of the fridge and eat the cost at $8 a pop. Just make sure you’re pouring some badass mixed drinks.

11. Room service isn’t worth it. We were staying in a penthouse and I got a club sandwich, a fruit cup, and French fries for just north of $40. It did not taste anywhere near like a $40 meal should. Go to McDonald’s for $4 and eat a nice restaurant meal when you get back home.

12. Laundry service is worth it. Most people in Vegas do two club nights back to back. But what if you packed light and some jackass spills a drink all over the only pair of jeans you brought? Have no fear. Simply call room service when you wake up. They’ll have your clothes cleaned, pressed, and folded in your closet within four hours. It’s much cheaper than buying a new pair-I checked.

13. Don’t buy drugs from strangers. I like to keep it to alcohol and tobacco, but no judgment to anyone who wants to extend his or her fun zone. All I’m saying is that you never know if the powder you just bought is cut with baking soda or if the weed you picked up has pencil shavings in it, or worse. You don’t have to be safe, but try to be careful.

14. Virgins are people, too. I brought a girl back from the club and quickly figured out that she still had her V-card. That’s cool-I’m not a lady killer, so no big deal. We talked for a while, I walked her down to the lobby, put her in a cab, and that was that. You can’t knock someone’s personal choice-I wish that girl the best.

15. So are prostitutes. After getting the virgin to the cab line, I stopped by the bar just for one last double shot of SoCo. A beautiful lady bought me another round, slid up to me and, and asked me how my night was going. I told her about little miss V-card, and my new friend was very sympathetic. She even offered to come up to my room to talk about it more privately! As soon as the room door closed, she immediately took off her dress, told me her services started at $500, and they only went up from there. Needless to say, I politely told her that I misinterpreted the situation and couldn’t afford her even if I missed my rent this month. Awkward…

16. Do not try to get your money’s worth at the buffet. If you eat everything in sight, you will have an enormous food baby right before a pool party. Don’t be an idiot. If you drink too many mimosas, you might pass out in three feet of water at the pool party. Again, don’t be an idiot.

17. Don’t stare at girl’s boobs. I know, something about Vegas makes girls dress in a way that makes you forget they’re somebody’s daughter. Trust me, if a girl’s boobs are out, she knows they’re out and expects guys to look. You may look, once. After that, you are just staring and that’s rude. Don’t be rude.

18. You will regret your last ATM withdrawal. Always. I wish I had enough self-control to resist one last crack at the tables before I take a cab to the airport. I don’t. I probably won’t develop that kind of self-control until my future wife’s nagging gets me to stop, but who brings his wife to Vegas anyway?

19. The airport is empty before 9 a.m. on Sundays. Wish you had self-control? Try being awake at 6 a.m. on a Sunday morning in Vegas. You’re the one who bought your own plane tickets. If you can make it to the airport before 8 a.m., go for it-you’re a champ. If you miss your morning flight, most airlines’ change fees are around $200.

20. Know the game before sitting down at the table. There is nothing more embarrassing than coloring up your chips after one hand because you thought the game was blackjack and you sat down at a three-card draw poker table. Act like you’ve been there before and don’t be a rookie.

21. Hooking up is easier if you go to the club at your hotel. Which sounds easier? “I think you’re hot and you think I’m hot. Want to smush? That’s great! My room is upstairs, we can come back down in an hour!” or “I think you’re hot and you think I’m hot. Want to smush? That’s great! Dammit, my hotel is down the strip and I spent all my cab money on drinks earlier.” You better come up with more solid game than that. I was just proving a point.

22. There’s nothing wrong with leaving the club early. I was once told that if you’re wittier than you are handsome, you should stay out of large clubs. That’s me. We all have to work Monday, and some of us operate better than others if we get a decent night’s sleep on Saturday. If you haven’t closed by around 2 a.m., there’s nothing wrong with walking away. When you figure that out, please tell me how.

23. Always look your best. This goes beyond Vegas, too. I know people like to get super dressy when they head out to America’s playground. The whole weekend, I noticed girls cramming themselves into dresses one size too small and guys sweating way too much underneath their blazers. It’s possible to look your best while being comfortable in your own skin and your own clothes. Get a haircut, hit the gym three times a week, and buy clothes that fit. Wear clothes every day that you wouldn’t mind dying in. I wouldn’t want to be found dead with my ass hanging out of my skirt or in a button shirt that’s too tight with pit stains.