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6 Burning Questions I’ve Always Had About Blow Jobs

I’ve always been a fan of running. Lifting weights has never been something I’m fantastic at, and even when I was lifting more regularly, I would mix in cardio as often as I can. I think a big part of the reason I like running is that, on a very deep level, it gives me an opportunity to literally run away from my problems. For the 25-45 minutes that I’m on the treadmill or pounding the pavement, I don’t have to think about what’s dragging me down. I can get fully enthralled with my music and let my mind wander wherever it wants to.

When I was on the treadmill last night, my mind wandered to the topic of blow jobs. Let’s be clear about two things up front: The first is that I’m not talking about this in the sense of seeing some girl on the treadmill two down from me and picturing us getting dirty in the sauna later. I mean it in the sense of logistics and history — which I’ll actually get into in a little bit here. The second is that I love this move as much as the next guy. I just have some questions about it.

Either way, I’ve always had a ton of questions for the fairer sex about this topic, but lord knows I would never just go up to my female friends and ask them about it. That shit gets too real. And so here I am. Opening up to you (female or male, I won’t judge) and hoping to find some answers.

How the fuck did this whole concept start?

I’ve always thought of beejays as a display of power, although my opinion on who holds the power here flipped significantly after becoming a fan of the show American Horror Story. The fact is, dicks are inherently gross. Like, unless you’re an Adonis coming out of the shower completely hairless and smelling like what I imagine Patrick Swayze smelled like, there’s a pretty good chance that your dingy has some sort of odor that will stick around forever.

This is why, originally, I thought the act was to show that the man was in a position of power. Nobody in their right mind would want to put their mouth around that thing, right? Well, that thought quickly changed when I watched American Horror Story and realized that whoever is going down on you can do so much damage down there. Seriously, just the thought skeeves me out.

And on that note…

Do you get any pleasure out of it?

The argument can be made that working the pipe until it bursts brings a sense of validation and accomplishment, especially when you look up and see the look of satisfaction on their face. But even then, I get the impression that the negatives outweigh the positives. Your jaw is (probably?) sore, you just had your nose in some dude’s junk for 3-10 minutes (note: is that a proper estimation? I honestly have no concept of how long these things are supposed to last), and now you have a mouth full.

How long is this supposed to last?

I’ve been told conflicting things my whole life. Ex-girlfriends have said that if they can get you off as soon as possible, it gives them a sense of accomplishment and tells them that they’re great at pleasuring you. Porn tells me that this should be purely foreplay. Which is it? Should I be trying to hold out as long as I can? Should I just go with it? Should I give you some kind of warning before I’m about to let loose? That actually leads me to…

Is it possible for a guy to be bad at getting head?

I feel like the answer is a definitive “yes” here. Let me clarify: what is it that makes a guy bad at getting head? I remember when I was in high school, one of my friends told me about how he got a blowie from his girlfriend and he snaked his wiener through the gate in his boxers so that she wouldn’t have to deal with his bush. “Wow,” I thought to myself, “That’s a really considerate move.”

I look back at that and laugh. If you pulled something like that as a grown up, the person going down on you would probably laugh out loud…right? I honestly don’t know. Truth be told, I’m normally just so thankful that it’s happening to me that I just sit back and hope nothing terrible happens. I couldn’t begin to tell you if there’s an etiquette to receiving a beej, but if there is, I get the impression that it starts from a mutual respect and acknowledgement that your genitals are in another person’s mouth.

How do you get to be good at giving blow jobs?

I think it’s safe to say that not all blow jobs are created equal. There’s a very definitive bad BJ and a very definitive great BJ, but what about the ones in the middle? How do they improve from okay, to good, to great? Is there a Dr. Seuss-style book called Oh, The Dudes That You’ll Blow? Do you get ideas from porn?

The thought that typically crosses my mind is a bunch of women sitting around a table after several bottles of wine talking about the different methods that they’ve used in their experience and comparing and contrasting. Which, if that does happen, cool! Right on. Keep sharing your methods. All I know is that I cannot think of one single evening spent with my guy friends talking about what we do when we go down on our dates/girlfriends/one night stands. Frankly, I’m not even sure if that’s something my friends do, although that’s a different discussion entirely.

What are you thinking about when you’re doing it?

I’ll never forget the way that my first real girlfriend described a blowjob to me. “It’s called a blow job for a reason: it’s a job.” I guess that’s a good point. There’s a lot to take into account when you’re trying to sexually please someone with your mouth, while making sure that there aren’t any teeth involved. So, are you focusing on what you’re doing? Do you hit a rhythm and drift off? Are you thinking about us? It’s okay if you aren’t. I’ll admit to thinking about the way Lost ended during the throws of passion so as to avoid a quick trigger finger. Not that it works all the time, but hey. You do what you have to do.

Look, I’m not saying that I need answers to every single one of these. The fact is, for as long as I’ve known what oral sex was, these questions have been plaguing me. I’m just trying to have a better understanding of this very important part of the adult sexual experience, and ultimately improve myself and my peers along the way. Any additional information you could provide would be a huge help. Thanks in advance.

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Charlie

Using sarcasm as a defense mechanism since 1993. At any given moment I'm either tired, drunk, or stressed out. Get at me at charliepgp@gmail.com or whatever.

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