New phone system at work traces every call and my boss can listen in at any time. Thanks Obama

Still can’t grow a beard. PGP

“We should own a bar!” PGP

I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, assuming I die by Monday. PGP.

Whoever installed an even number of urinals can go straight to hell. PGP.

Last week, my boss threw a pen at me. This week, he told me I was doing a great job and going places. PGP.

Today I had to use a sick day for another job interview. My boss called my doctor. PGP.

I’m asking for a briefcase for Christmas. PGP.

1/4-zip fleece game on point. PGP.

Convincing yourself that taking the stairs once a day counteracts your horrendously unhealthy eating habits. PGP.