Semi-Functional Alcoholic

Tommy Gavin is my spirit animal.

Member Since 02/20/2015

  • Semi-Functional Alcoholic 8 years ago on I'm In A Slump And I Can't Seem To Find A Way Out

    You’re so money and you don’t even know it! You gotta get on with your life. You gotta let go of the past. And Mikey, when you do, I’m telling you, the future is beautiful, alright? Look out the window. It’s sunny every day here. It’s like manifest destiny. Don’t tell me we didn’t make it. We made it! We are here. And everything that is past is prologued to this. All of the shit that didn’t kill us is only – you know, all that shit. You’re gonna get over it.

    40
    Log in to reply or vote on comments
  • Semi-Functional Alcoholic 8 years ago on Dunkin' Donuts Is Already Serving 'Fall Flavored' Coffee Despite The Fact That It's Still Summer

    It’s the same shit with seasonal beers. They rotate way too early. It’s 90 degrees in the middle of August, oh great that Pumpkin Ale will really hit the spot. Oktoberfest, while I still think August is too early, I can at least understand since Oktoberfest in Germany starts in September. Christmas Ales in October. Spring seasonals when it’s snowing sideways in February. It’s madness I tell you! Madness!

    3
    Log in to reply or vote on comments
  • Semi-Functional Alcoholic 8 years ago on Is Cheating On A Significant Other Really All That Bad?

    It’s one thing to write a column and urge people in the 20 to 25 age bracket to stay single. I can get on board with that 100%. It’s quite another to frost over cheating as just something that people do and “oops, it happens.” It’s shitty. It’s selfish. It unnecessarily hurts people.

    Be good to each other. There’s enough goddamn bullshit to deal with in this world without having someone you trust betray you.

    28
    Log in to reply or vote on comments
  • Semi-Functional Alcoholic 8 years ago on Things Girls Do After Graduation: Moving Day

    Sperry, hearing the knock on the door immediately turns his head. There had to be some way out of this. Putting up with her god awful whining day in and day out was already too much, but now a move on top of it? His hair was going to fall out from the stress. She walked toward the door to let the movers in. Sperry grabbed his favorite chew toy and pulled up all the courage his little body could muster. He skittered a bit on the hardwood floor and started a dead sprint for the door just as she cracked it. “Freedom!” he thought as he could see the other side through a maze of legs. No more stupidity. He would find a nice family that actually cares for him and doesn’t leave him alone in an apartment all day. It was all just inches away from him. His legs were moving as fast as they could but his progress slowly stopped. It was if the gates of hell had opened behind him and he was being sucked back in. “NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!” he cried out as she tucked Sperry under her arm. He squirmed vigorously to try and escape the she-beast’s cold grasp, but it was too strong. He let out a long sigh as he dropped his chew toy. Despondent, he shot Todd a look of sadness and desperation. The look on Todd’s face mirrored his own. “Well, that Todd dude is alright” Sperry thought to himself. “At least he’ll be around more.”

    24
    Log in to reply or vote on comments
  • Semi-Functional Alcoholic 8 years ago on Practical Job Advice For Graduates Entering The Workforce

    Practical Job Advice For Graduates Entering The Workforce*
    *Applicable only to financial sector or similar jobs

    Huh, guess I shouldn’t have worn a suit since it’s now covered in mechanical room grease. Electrician yells from around the corner: “Hey! Check out new fancy suit guy! Why don’t you get over here and tell me how to do my job one more time!?” *entire construction/maintenance crew laughs*

    30
    Log in to reply or vote on comments
  • Semi-Functional Alcoholic 8 years ago on Birth Of A Spam Commenter

    He sighed softly, so as not to rouse the suspicion of his labor manager. Arguably, it was one of the better jobs in Pyongyang. It beat having to eat tree roots for dinner and he was able to provide a somewhat stable life for his family, relatively speaking, within the confines of North Korea. But being able to see life outside of DPRNK, without the filtered lens of government censorship was difficult. It was a double edged sword. Creating and distributing fake websites to harvest personal information seemed somewhat unethical, but Dear Leader deemed these efforts necessary to the People’s Republic, as identity theft was a major revenue stream. Of course there was always the possibility of torture if he didn’t meet his click quota, but his English was better than most, so he never really considered it a possibility. He registered another user name on a website called “Post Grad Problems”. As he scrolled to the comments section at the bottom of the page, he breezed through the article picking up some of the English words he knew. He didn’t know what a “fire insta” was, but the pictures met him with a mix of disgust and jealousy… and hunger. The pictures of food confused him a bit, as to why someone would waste time doing it (and so frequently), but it was nice to see actual food. He looked over the top of his CRT monitor at the clock. At least there were only 2 more hours left in his 18 hour shift. He copied and pasted one of his carefully crafted posts into the comment box:

    I get paid 90 dollar every hour for work at home on my PC. I never thought I’d be able to do it but my lovely girl friend is earning 15k /monthly by doing this job and she showed me what he do. See here what i do….03

    SEE HERE——>

    “Brilliant”. He thought to himself. “Lots of clicks from that one.”

    51
    Log in to reply or vote on comments
  • Semi-Functional Alcoholic 8 years ago on Former McDonald's CEO Says $35K Robots Cheaper Than Hiring At $15 Per Hour

    wat? Unless you have some really weird circumstances, making less than $31,000 with a 4 year degree in any normal engineering discipline is so far to the left on the salary bell curve you’d have to actively negotiate your salary down to get that low. The median for entry level structural in the US is like $60k.

    Again, I don’t know your circumstances but the claim you make less than $15 per hour as an entry level engineer is so absurd it borders on trolling. Unless you’re averaging 75+ hours a week, in which case, I doubt you have time to browse and comment on PGP articles.

    11
    Log in to reply or vote on comments
  • Semi-Functional Alcoholic 8 years ago on Five Friends Of Mine Who Are Better At Basketball Than Matthew Dellavedova

    7.5 Points and 4.4 assists per game in the regular season and was only seeing about 25 minutes per game. Really not that bad. Those numbers are lower this year in the postseason, but you’re obviously playing better teams in the postseason. Of all the potential targets out there for a satirical basketball article, kind of scratching my head at this one.

    9
    Log in to reply or vote on comments
  • Semi-Functional Alcoholic 8 years ago on Ladies, You Need To Stop With The Sashes And Crowns On Your Birthday

    For that day, he knew he had to try. He had the perfect gif relating to the story. He knew it would give someone else at least a dry chuckle to brighten their cube life somewhere. For too long he sat silent while others posted funny gifs and pictures in the comment section. “Not today.” he said to himself as he searched “Ric Flair Woo Gif” in Google. He pulled up giphy, copied the link, and pasted it in the comment box. Sweat beaded on his brow. He’d seen others try and fail. He knew the flood of “Meh” that would come his way if he pasted just a link in the comments. He knew nothing of coding or HTML, but he always figured himself pretty tech savvy. “It’ll auto preview, right? It has to.” His mouse hovered over the “post” button… “Is it really worth it?” He wondered. There’s no “Nice Works” for the cowardly and silent. He clicked. The deed was done. There was no going back. No editing comments. The page refreshed. He scrolled, finger flying on the cheap corded HP mouse his company provided to the comments section. And there it was. In his abject horror he saw a red link staring back at him. No Ric Flair. No Woo. A red link. His heart sank. “well, at least I tried.” He closed the browser window. Too upset to even read yesterday’s TGDAG. The thought of doing work was too much at this point (to be honest, it always was too much, but now especially). He stared out the window. He looked back at the AutoCAD drawing on his screen and sighed deeply. “More coffee I guess” he thought as he tried to shake what he had just done from his mind. Someday he would figure out gifs and pictures in PGP’s comments section… someday.

    33
    Log in to reply or vote on comments
  • Semi-Functional Alcoholic 8 years ago on Guys, It's Time To Reconsider The "Mani-Pedi"

    You do you man. Personally, there’s a lot of other things I’d rather spend my time and money on than a mani-pedi. Also, while in some professions “well taken care of hands might be the difference maker”, there’s also some professions where mechanics, welders, pipe fitters, electricians, etc. won’t believe a word that comes out of your mouth if you hands look like they’d blister just touching a wrench. You get squarely placed in the “I don’t know how to do your job, but my book says you’re doing it wrong” category. To each their own.

    5
    Log in to reply or vote on comments