Ladies, You Need To Stop With The Sashes And Crowns On Your Birthday

Ladies, You Need To Stop With The Sashes And Crowns On Your Birthday

Now, I am the first to admit that I love my birthday and everything that has to do with my birthday. I start a countdown right after my half birthday every year. Yes, half birthday. I am a psychopath. But, at least I am not the adult woman who goes out wearing a crown and sash to celebrate.

Let me just start off by saying that for bachelorette parties – this is acceptable. It’s a right of passage. You wear a crown and a sash of some sort covered in condoms and penises and it’s hilarious and wonderful. I, personally, only want to get married so that I can have a bachelorette party. So they get a pass here.

What doesn’t get a pass, is turning any age other than 21 and thinking that it’s acceptable for you to throw on a bedazzled crown and hot pink satin sash and hit the town with your #squad. You are a grown-ass woman. Stop it. You are better than that. What is the end goal here? Free drinks? Attention? People singing you “Happy Birthday”? I just don’t get it.

If you just want free drinks, showing up to a trashy bar with a pack of hot girls in dresses will get that job done. If you just want attention, throw on your best skank dress and show off the girls with a new pushup bra. If you just want people to sing you happy birthday, go back to the 3rd grade, rent a bouncy castle, and fuck right off, you lunatic.


Usually, the grown up birthday sash girl is going to also be a “woo” girl. She is going to WOOO and throw her hands up in the air every time someone mentions alcohol or shots or the new Justin Bieber song. You want a shot? WOOO!!!! You want another vodka water? WOOO!! Do you want to get ran over by pedicab later? WOOO!!! Stop screaming. Take the shots. Celebrate your birthday and let us normal alcoholics get on with our night without you shrieking into our ears.

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Now, as a somewhat normal human girl that has never done this, does it actually work? Does the sash get you a line of men waiting for their chance to buy you a drink? I don’t think so. I can bet that men see this girl as a high maintenance freak who will act like a drunk, sloppy bitch just because it’s “her day” and she can. Gross. Just act like a drunk sloppy bitch because it’s just who you are as a person, just like I do.

For more of Kayla’s takes on birthdays, listen to Episode 9 of Touching Base where we discuss how girls take their birthdays way too seriously.

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