James Harden gets 200 million from Adidas and I can’t even get a key card to park in the work garage.

My New Year’s resolution is the same as it was sophomore year in college: To stop pissing myself while blacked out. PGP.

I ate healthy last week and still managed to gain two lbs. PGP.

Threw my back out sneezing. PGP.

Guy from accounting thinks it’s hilarious to stare at me from the doorway until I ask him what he wants. All he says is “Hey buddy,” then walks off. Every time. PGP.