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We will continue our drinking game into Week 4, so bottoms up every time Ashley cries on this week’s Bachelor In Paradise!!
I will be playing my own personal drinking game where I drink every time I want to punch Evan in the face. Good thing I am already in the comfort of my own home and tucked into bed.
Scene: we are at the pre-rose ceremony mingling where the desperate girls are throwing themselves at the remaining eligibles to get roses, and the couples are making out side by side on beds like a weird high school party.
Ashley is talking to Jared, through her tears of course. Drink. She tells Jared that the glimmer of hope/desperation she had for their “relationship” is gone and she is there to get over him, which makes zero sense but okay. She hoped she would get there and like someone more, but after seeing Jared there she realized that is not going to happen. Sigh.
“Nothing makes me happier than being with you!” – Ashley
“I like Caila.” – Jared
He gets up, she makes sure her eyelashes are still attached, and then goes to get a drink. She goes to vent to the island shrink, Jorge the bartender, while sobbing uncontrollably. Drink. Jared is sitting around the corner telling Caila he wants to be with her, while the music of Ashley’s tears and sobs gently plays in the background. It is truly magnificent. Also, drink.
“It’s hard to see Ashley in so much pain.” – Caila, lying.
Carly tells Evan she likes him and apologizes for it taking so long, and he smiles his creepy little smile because he’s been waiting for this ever since he snuck some love potion into her margarita. He goes in for it, sucks her face off, and says it only took him faking an injury to get the girl!
You hear that boys? If a girl actually vomits after kissing you and says that you give her erectile dysfunction, just pretend to have a medical emergency and then she will be yours!!!!
Meanwhile Daniel is just sitting in a bungalow, shirtless, drinking champs, and waiting for the desperate girls to flock to him to try and win his rose.
“I’m like the king of the jungle, President of the United States; I’m Ghandi. I’m going to sit on my throne, and I’m going to let them come to me. Bringing me grapes and fine cheeses and wine, gold and precious artifacts. So if you want this rose tonight, come to papa bear.” – Daniel, a true Canadian hero.
Up first is Sarah with a birthday cake that she “baked” for him that is cut in half, because it is his half birthday. As a self-proclaimed birthday freak that actually celebrates their half birthday, I am all in here. Daniel, you gotta give it to her.
Sarah feeds him cake, calls him daddy, and asks him if he would lick the frosting off of her body. Girl knows her audience.
The Twins are up next but realize they cannot compete with the cake. They deliberate and decide that one of them has to kiss Daniel, with Twin 2 agreeing to sacrifice herself. She asks Daniel to chat, tells him she’s interested in getting to know him, blah blah blah bullshit.
“When I see your butt, I’m like, it’s amazing and I just want you to know that.” – Daniel, a true romantic
“Awwww, thank you!!” – Twin 2, like if Daniel just told her she had pretty eyes
She is playing our boy and I don’t like it. The kiss is awkward, she just pecks him and then runs away. That isn’t even a real kiss, c’mon Twin 2. Work it better than that!!!!
Ashley is up next. She is wandering through the little village, runs into Daniel while she is crying (drink), and they sit to have a heart to heart. In my own experience, if I want to have a heart to heart, I will get drunk downtown, call an uber, and talk to my driver all the way home while I sit in the front seat begging them to take me to Whataburger. I will NOT grab a guy I am trying to convince to date me and tell him about how I am heartbroken over another dude. Be better, Ashley.
Daniel then brings the classic “you will find someone better, he doesn’t deserve you” line that you always have to tell a girl when she is sad about a dude. He also says that Jared is ugly. Thank you! Finally someone says it. He is nothing special, and I can’t believe someone actually has cried real human tears over him. I will pay someone to explain his appeal to me.
Daniel’s advice is going in the right direction until he, of course, brings up her being a virgin.
“Since you’re a virgin, you feel like you want to wait for the right guy. BUT you should go on a whole bunch of dates, like date 5 guys at the same time. Slut it up a little bit. Just fuck like 10 different guys in a month and have 10 different dicks, and there’s a chance you might like one of them!” – Daniel, King of Advice.
In Daniel’s testimonials, he starts to explain why sleeping with a virgin is such a big deal. As he begins this lecture, we are greeted with a loud censor noise, followed by a full screen Canadian flag, and Daniel in the middle wearing a speedo flexing with “Please Stand By” flashing across the screen. I am in stitches.
He says that de-virginizing someone would be like winning a war in Vietnam, and then the same please stand by message again. This is amazing. Luckily for us, Daniel posted this to his Instagram, so please see below. (He posted this before the episode aired so unfortunately it is not the same version we saw but whatever, still hilarious.)
Real talk, I’m not sure I believe this chick is still a virgin. She wears way too many chokers and crop tops. Sorry!
Rose ceremony goes as follows:
Grant to Lace
Josh to Amanda
Nick to Jen
Vinny to Izzy
Evan to Carly
Jared to Caila
Daniel to……TWIN TWO!!!!
I’m shocked. Twin 1 is also staying. Her terrible peck on his unsuspecting face saved her. He also just wants to get in her pants.
Before he handed out his rose, Daniel stood up there and gave a speech thanking all of the ladies for their time. He will make a great politician someday.
So Sarah and Ashley are going home. Our drinking game is not yet over because we still have Ashley’s ride out of there. You have to chug the entire time, okay?
Or do you? I don’t want to kill anyone so stop drinking. She makes them stop the car, and she goes running back to the beach. She charges back in as all of the happy couples are drinking champagne, toasting to paradise and love!
She doesn’t ask to speak to Jared but instead gives a speech to the entire group asking for their permission to come back “With an open mind,” which is confusing because I didn’t think this was how the show worked, but okay. Nick rolls his eyes and goes “Uggghhh” in the background and it’s great because like, same.
Jared looks like he wants to kill himself. Caila looks like she has just seen a ghost.
Everyone starts saying “Yes!” to her staying and then slowly the cameras pan over to Jared who is like “…yyy….eee….ssss….?…”
So she is staying. Drinking game back on!
The morning after, a man shows up on the beach that I do not recognize. Seems to be a trend. His name is Carl, and he apparently was on Andi’s season. Why can’t they give us dudes we know? Where is Cupcake the dentist? Where is miniature Alex? Where is Joe? (He was the worst, but like, missing him a little.)
Twin 1 is locked in on Carl and his fuckboy haircut, tattoos and jorts. He is apparently her type, and now I know why she is single. He asks her on the date because he really has no one else to ask.
Brett (?) shows up on the beach shortly after who is also from Andi’s season. He is dragging a floor lamp with him down the stairs onto the beach because that’s apparently what he did for his limo exit during The Bachelorette. It is his “thing,” but I have watched every season of this damn show and I do not remember him at all. Cue the crickets chirping.
He brought the lamp because his mom “always told him to never greet a lady empty handed, so what better than a lamp?” ……K.
Brett is actually kinda hot, and I am here for it. Move over Josh, I may have a new boyfriend. Wait, never mind, he is wearing jeans and flip flops and I am REPULSED and HORRIFIED.
Izzy is apparently into Brett even though she is coupled with Vinny. Don’t do this Izzy. Don’t. Do it.
Brett sits with the dudes to figure out who is available, and of course Josh jumps in with “I HAVE CONNECTION WITH AMANDA. AMANDA BELONG TO JOSH. AMANDA NOT YOURS!”
He was hoping for Caila to be there (eyeeeeROLLLLL) and thinks her bond with Jared isn’t very strong, so he grabs her first. I don’t feel bad for Jared because he’s a fuckboy. I want him to suffer. And to go home. Applebee’s needs him.
Somewhere Ashley is applying her Kylie lip kit and stirring her cauldron full of Evan’s love potion.
Ashley, who said just 12 hours ago that she is over Jared and is ready to move on, says she wants Caila to go on this date so she can spend time with Jared. I am starting to get serious Swimfan vibes from this one.
Brett tells Caila he is a hairstylist, and I have suddenly taken a line out of Carly’s book because I too now have erectile dysfunction.
Ashley tells Brett that he should ask whomever he wants and to go with his gut, basically planting the bug in his ear to take Caila and throwing a wrench into her relationship with Jared.
He asks Caila, who says yes without even talking to Jared, which is a savage move and I love it. See everyone!!?!?!? She isn’t nice and innocent; She is a stone cold betch.
Jared tells her he doesn’t want her to go, so after a few minute of him begging she decides to stay. Then a second later she decides she’s going to go. Wait, now she decides she’s going to stay.
She tells Brett she changed her mind, and he wants to go for a walk. She then decides she’s going to go on the date. They walk back up to the bar, then she freaks out and says she is going to stay. Brett tells her he came there hoping to take her on the date; she smiles and giggles and bats her eyelashes and says she is going to go on the date. So that’s it, she is going on the date.
Word of advice to our boy Brett: if a girl changes her mind like 6 times in the course of 5 minutes about whether she wants to go out with you or not, maybe just tell her never mind and pick someone else?
Jared thinks that Caila going on the date is karma for him always being the one to end things with the girls in paradise. No Jared, it’s not karma, she just maybe isn’t that into you? He isn’t used to rejection because he can give the ladies what they want, which is free food and drinks at their neighborhood Applebee’s.
Ashley thinks Caila is insane for not wanting to stay and be with Jared, and I think that Caila is insane for voluntarily leaving Jared alone with Ashley. She is going to come back and Ashley will have him stuffed in her suitcase ready to take him home with her so he can live in a cage in her closet.
So while Caila is on her date, Jared is moping around, pulling an Evan and just being a total puss. I am over him. Fingers crossed for Caila and Brett hitting it off!!!!!
The two dates with the new guys are combined, and they’re on some kind of booze cruise dancing and no one can remember Carl’s name. Same.
Carl and Emily are dry humping. Brett tries to get in on the action and attempts to give Caila a lap dance and she pushes him away. Girl, you are boring as hell. Please go home.
She tells Brett she made a mistake and should have stayed back at the beach because she keeps thinking about Jared. Ashley hasn’t had enough to drink yet to be able to process this, so I hope Jorge is on standby.
The gang comes back from the date and as soon as Jared hears Caila’s whiney voice, he springs up and goes running over to her, leaving Ashley behind yet again.
Caila and Jared are talking about their feelings while Ashley lingers in the trees eavesdropping. But don’t worry guys, she’s over Jared and has turned over a new leaf! They get back together, and Ashley cries. Drink.
Ashley is shocked that he doesn’t want to be with her, which like, everyone has been telling her since she showed up. I feel like she needs to record Jared saying “I don’t love you Ashley” over and over again and listen to it in her sleep until it is instilled in her brain.
Ugh, another guy I don’t know shows up who was apparently on Kaitlyn’s season. His name is Ryan. I have never seen him before in my entire life. He is also not hot so I feel bad for the girls. Like not even a little bit hot. I actually hate him.
Daniel says that Ryan looks old and that they must have accidentally dropped him off there instead of at “seniors paradise” ahahahahah but really, he looks 50. His beard is gray.
Ryan grabs Jared to learn the ropes and to see who is available. Of course Jared basically begs him to take Ashley on the date, but when he talks to Ashley she literally only talks about Jared the entire time. He’s not into it and immediately returns to the group and asks Haley on the date.
Haley is annoyed because Daniel keeps following her around, and she isn’t into him. Maybe this will teach her not to kiss boys she doesn’t like because then they will think you like them. Kind of like accepting a drink from an ugly guy at a bar and then he follows you around all night because he think’s you are into it. Just don’t do it.
Ryan and Haley go horseback riding because the producers have run out of ideas for dates. She says that Ryan looks like he belongs on the cover of a romance novel, and I am surprised she knows what that means considering she probably has never been inside of a bookstore. Also, Ryan is no Fabio.
Grant prepares a sad homemade date for Lace because he wants to do something nice for her. Sure, a couples massage is nice for Lace, but we all know that Grant just wanted a massage for himself too…..and for Lace to get naked and oiled up.
They sit in a hot tub drinking champagne and Grant tells Lace that he loves her. I’m not buying it, but okay. You can’t watch a girl chokehold and then straddle Chad and then fall in love with her.
Vinny loves Izzy, but she is daydreaming about Brett and feels guilty about it. So she grabs Brett to chat with him right in Vinny’s line of vision, which is shitty. Izzy just goes for it and tells him that she saw him walk in and then began to regret her relationship with Vinny. It’s sad. Poor Vinny.
So Izzy basically wants to leave Vinny, the barber, for Brett, the hairstylist. Girls got a type.
She tells Vinny she is 75% into their relationship and was attracted to Brett as soon as she saw him. She has her doubts but wants to explore things so she doesn’t have any regrets. Girl wants to have her cake and eat it, too, and when she finds out Brett is a huge doucher, she’s going to go running back to Vinny. I hope he is loooong gone!
This bitch is willing to sacrifice her relationship with Vinny because she thinks some other dude is hot. She’s a hoe. And now Vinny is voluntarily going home because he doesn’t want to be someone’s backup plan. GOOD FOR YOU VINNY! Mom would be proud.
Before he leaves he wants to have another conversation with her to get closure. Ugh, just leave Vinny.
We get hit with a “To Be Continued…” of course, so see ya tomorrow losers!.