I got 99 problems and money is all of them.

Not telling your parents you got promoted because you’re scared they’ll stop giving you money. PGP.

I just Googled, “How to sleep with your eyes open.” PGP.

Staying two extra minutes late, but just so you don’t have to walk out with anybody. PGP.

Ending emails with a passive aggressive “please help me understand” after irrefutably supporting your case. I know I’m right, do you? PGP.

Getting hired for a job, but not really knowing what you’ll actually be doing. PGP.

My friends are getting engaged and buying homes. I still sleep in an extra-long twin bed. PGP.

Happy hour planning at 9am. PGP.

Two years ago I was an eager college senior who couldn’t wait to graduate and take the world by storm. Today, I wish I could travel through time and punch that eager moron in the face. PGP.