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“I’m so hungover,” Todd pleaded. “Can’t we do this literally any other day?”
She tucked her t-shirt perfectly into her joggers before resting her hands on her hips and looking at Todd, who sat in bed with his iPad and a cup of coffee she’d made for him.
“Okay, Todd,” she responded. “Like when? Tell me when we have time.”
She was hungover too, but too proud to admit it. She had made the plans to go to Design Within Reach before she realized she’d finish a bottle of wine at their dinner party. Todd sat looking blankly at her. He was either trying to think of a different time they could go, or completely zoned out from the scotch and cigars he decided to end the night with.
“Fine, let me shower,” he finally relinquished. He stood up out of bed and lumbered to their bathroom where he’d shut the door, only to have it reopened so she could put makeup on in the mirror.
She stood next to him sipping her Whole Foods smoothie while Todd squinted at the pricetag of the pillow she’d picked out.
“No, absolutely not,” he told her. “There’s no way we’re spending $295 on a pillow.”
“Todd, you don’t understand,” she explained. “It’s designed by Hella Jongerius,” something she’d learned while perusing the DWR site earlier that morning while attempting to let Todd sleep off his hangover.
Todd looked over at a pile of other pillows that he considered to be more than suitable. “Okay, what about these?” he asked.
She looked at the tag and saw that the pillows Todd had selected as adequate were on sale. “Ew, no, Todd, are you serious right now? These are hideous.” She didn’t actually hate-hate them, but it was important to her to get it through Todd’s had that they were buying quality items, no matter the price.
“Okay,” Todd responded, exasperated. “We can think about those pillows. What else did you want to look at before we head out? I told John I’d meet him for lunch while you and Caroline go to that spin class.”
Without answering him verbally, she looked up from her phone where she was texting Caroline and then walked to the chair she had been “coveting.”
“Before you say anything,” she began. Todd knew that anything that started with “before you say anything” was going to be either ridiculous, expensive, or ridiculously expensive. He wasn’t wrong, and she’d probably openly admit that if Todd verbalized his thoughts regarding the phrase.
But she continued, “This chair is a statement piece that will last us a decade, if not longer.” So while she didn’t openly admit the chair was expensive, Todd knew the words “statement,” “piece,” and “decade” indicated everything he’d prophesied.
She slowly walked him over to a pair of Eames lounge chairs and was pleasantly surprised by the look on Todd’s face.
“So?” she wondered while Todd felt the black leather.
“I mean,” he hesitated, “Yeah, I like them a lot – they’re the same ones my dad has in his den at home.”
Internally, she lit up. She had priorly planned to use the pillow as a gauge to whether or not Todd would be willing to spring for something high-end, so needless to say she had her worries about him being taken by the chairs.
She stood blocking the price tag from him as he sat down and complimented the comfort of it. “My dad’s is a lot more worn in, but I feel like this would just get more and more comfortable as the years go on,” he commented.
She was elated.
Excitedly, she assumed he was sold and began jumping into the logistics. “We could put it right to the left of where the couch currently is, and we could get a smaller coffee table to make room for the ottoman.”
Todd nodded.
“I mean, I know it’s a lot but when you think about how much relaxing we do in our living room area, $6,000 really doesn’t seem like that much.”
He perked up. “Hold on, what?” he asked.
“What?” she responded, unsure of which part was fuzzy to him.
“These are $6,000?” he clarified.
“Well, I mean, technically $6,460 but they’re doing a 10% off sale for 4th of July that we can take advantage of which makes them so much more reasonable.”
Todd stood up from the chair that he’d all of the sudden become disgusted with. “I’m sorry,” he told her, “But I’m not going to spend $6,500 on a pair of chairs.”
“It’s not for the pair, Todd,” she told him matter of factly. “It’s just for one, and like I said, with ten percent off we’re actually getting a steal for a timeless piece.”
“For one?!” Todd guffawed.
She hushed him for fear of a salesperson or another couple hearing how disgusted he was. “Todd,” she told him sternly, “Stop it. You’re making a scene.”
“Okay, okay, sorry,” he apologized realizing how loud he had shouted. “But come on, we aren’t going to pay that much money for a pair of chairs, let alone one single chair. That’s insane.”
Her worst fears had been realized – they were likely not going to leave the store with the Eames chair she had pinned several times over on her “mid-century modern” Pinterest board.
“Okay, fine, we’ll just use that same ratty old chair that you inherited from your parents’ storage unit,” she mocked. Todd, on the other hand, was completely fine with that.
He looked at his watch. “Was there anything else you wanted to look at here? John’s probably going to text me soon to tell me he’s leaving.”
“Sure, Todd, just go to your stupid little lunch with John.”
“I mean,” Todd started, “I’m not going to go if that’s the way you’re sending me off.”
“No,” she stated. “Seriously, just go, I’ll call an Uber to class and we can all meet up after wherever you two go.”
Todd knew it would come back to bite him, but his lingering hangover needed a chicken salad sandwich with fries more than it needed peace of mind.
While he began texting John that he was going to head out, they began slowly walking to the exit of the store while she lectured him about the value of good and well-designed furniture. He was listening enough to look engaged, but not enough to actually contribute to the conversation.
“…like if you just go to IKEA,” she continued, “…everything you buy will fall apart in, like, six months and then you just have to go back to that hellhole again.”
He nodded along while she continued.
“…I mean, we can register for dishes and stuff at IKEA, but for furniture and accessories, we need to register somewhere like this.” .
Respond
Will
Will (Twitter / Instagram) is the host of The Sunday Scaries Podcast.
@willdefries
@willdefries
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Girl’s reckless spending habits are worse than House Democrats, costing taxpayers millions of wasted dollars. Must work on new budget, NOW! Girl thinks she can rope Todd into an engagement by making him buy lavish furniture – WRONG! What a “COMPLETE FRAUD” Then she throws a tantrum after not getting her way just like Crooked Hillary threw a tantrum on election night – couldn’t even give concession speech! Very weak people. At least Todd is trying to not be such a Lightweight now.
Think about how many drugs Todd could buy to sedate himself to deal with this relationship with that 6 grand instead
No. We have too many drugs pouring over our borders inflicting harm on our children. Build that wall!
Way to stay in character
Liked “Build that wall!”
Username checks out.
This is the best one yet.
Pretty sure Twitter doesn’t allow this many characters…
Doesn’t even realize this is PGP and not twitter. Must have less brains than cryin’ Chuck Schumer. Sad!
For the cost of those chairs Todd could trade Girl in for a really nice horse
This wins for best comment on this edition of TGDAG
WEDDING REGISTRY RED ALERT OH FUCK
Between the wedding register drop and coming into the bathroom while Todd showers, Girl seems to be becoming the master of subtle power plays. If it were a better person doing this, it would almost be admirable.
Don’t forget the “…will last us a decade” either. She’s good. Scary good.
She’s about two degrees away from Inception-ing the idea of marriage into his brain
I wish it had been socially acceptable to just say “send cash” instead of a registry. Now I’ve got 14 serving dishes instead of 500 dollars.
We returned all the stuff we didn’t want and got a gift card. Then used the giftcard to buy other giftcards for movie theaters, restaurants, and gas stations. Not as good as plain cash but still worked wonderfully.
For anyone planning a wedding now, check out Honeyfund.com. They put just enough of a fig leaf in place for people to feel better about giving cash. Or, just under- register so that most things are gone by the actual wedding.
Not to be a dick but just register for only what you actually need. We got mostly cash..
Sometimes people give you shit you didn’t even register for. Or are stupid and give you something that was already bought.
It’s funny how women (my fiancé) will spend a month’s salary on a new throw blanket or a face moisturizer but as soon as us guys (I) want to drop a little coin on a new set of irons it’s time to “be smart with our money”
In this case, I’m glad Todd is stuck dealing with this, little beta bitch
This hit close to home. 400 dollars is fine for a faux-antique radio “conversation piece” that looks “so so good” in our unused living room, but my new Epic driver was a “ridiculous waste of money.”
This whole thread makes me feel a lot better about being single.
Right, and 250 on an antique sewing table to turn into a coffee bar corner is fine but spending 198 for 3 days of lodging on my guys trip is just irresponsible
Maybe I don’t get it, but as a female I keep my spending to a minimum because I’d rather save up for a great vacation/401k than something dumb at crate and barrel.
Yes, but you and I are in the minority when it comes to females
sup, sup
Still rocking my $100 Goodwill couch and a recliner I inherited from my neighbor. Don’t know what a kitchen mixer is, don’t want to. The only major household purchase I’m considering right now is a bigger TV. Are we femaling wrong?
Hell no. We’re the minority that’s going to take over the world.
Goodwill finds are the best! I’ve got a couple tables/dressers that I simply sanded down, repainted, and sealed that look fantastic- and didn’t cost more than $50.
When i buy somethin from there i just keep hoping I’ll be one of those randos that finds a couple thousands dollars stuck to the bottom of a drawer or randomly find a lost Jackson Pollock someone tossed out.
I love IKEA! I’m definitely in the minority here, but I actually think it’s fun to put the stuff together.
you’re a monster
Same here!
(Although, I do love Crate & Barrel)
I literally use a couch with a broken spring that my boyfriend gave me because the $700 I would use on a new couch can go to burgers or literally anything else instead.
Or a gaming system, new computer/tablet, new phone, etc. You know something functional that we would both be able to use.
And even then, they probably wouldn’t be able to use it. My girlfriend still struggles to use our Harmony remotes.
#humblebrag we get that y’all have girlfriends
I was told upgrading from an iPhone 5 to a 7 was “an unnecessary waste of money” yet we “really needed” a $500 KitchenAid mixer (she’s used it exactly once).
You mean your girl has turned your kitchenaid mixer on? They are actually functional and not just clutter taking up half the counter? Learn something new everyday I guess.
But if your grown married ass kitchen doesn’t have one, you’re basically a beta.
Jesus Christ…
Who pays that much for a mixer!?!? I got a gorgeous kitchen aid mixer for less than $200
Who buys a kitchen mixer?
People who bake lol I run a baking business in my home so I needed a good one
I feel like there’s a lot of built up tension here. Let it out fellas.
I’ll serve cookies and brownies made with my kitchen aid mixer (a refurbed one that cost $220) while you guys have some group therapy here…
Fuck outta here with that bullshit!
nah I always tell my boyfriend that I won’t give him a hard time about spending 5000 on a 4 wheeler or stupid amounts on golf clubs but that means he can’t say anything when i spend similarly obscene amounts on my equestrian habit
equestrian habit = money pit.
True. But they’re almost always good looking.
Yeah but almost always crazy
Starting to think I’m way too broke to read this series
Chairs costing more than 3 months salary. PGP
Is your yearly salary less than ~$24,000? or……
Meant take home pay but yeah, working at a University for the tuition break on an MBA is worth it though
Someone else who understands the pain. People seem to think that working in higher ed means you make bank and get summers off, but good god neither of those are true.
I also understand, higher ed friends. However, if you’re faculty you can enjoy virtually never being at work and taking home six figures while your TA teaches your classes for you.
Depends. Before or after taxes, retirement, health insurance, savings, etc.
Also, as someone who had to take architectural and interior history classes, Eames chairs are fucking ugly. I said it. I meant it. I am not taking it back.
the username is great.
Just looked them up and was repulsed. Give me a big soft recliner any day
Omg they’re awful
As a random dude who had no idea what an Eames chair was until 30 seconds ago, how the hell do they sell those piece of shit chairs for over a grand a pop?
The Eames style management chairs are nice but if you’re talking the lounge chairs then yes, those are hideous.
Like most Mid-Century Modern furniture (and architecture) it was not meant to be comfortable nor beautiful to ‘the common person’.
You must make $x annual salary to enjoy this chair.
Gotta use commoners or peasants next time. Common people is a beta Will move (bwm)
Hella Jongerius sounds like a bad SoundCloud rapper.
Good* SoundCloud rapper
Over/under how long Todd and Girl would last at IKEA before Girl walks out, claiming that their $2 dishes are for “poors”? I give it 10 minutes.
Reason for not even stepping foot in IKEA: They don’t even have STATEMENT pieces Todd.
I’ll take the under, all day
Every single fucking week I think I can’t hate this girl anymore than I already do. And then the next week the cycle repeats itself.