Things Girls Do After Graduation: Hangovers

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Things Girls Do After Graduation: Hangovers

She turned over in bed to reveal a crease from her sheets on her cheek. Todd’s side of the bed was empty, and all she could see with her blurred vision was an unwrapped half-eaten cheeseburger on her bedside table. Sperry was attempting to lick her face as she pulled her hair from out over her eyes and sat up with a splitting headache.

“Holy shit,” she muttered while attempting to check what time it was on her dead iPhone. Searching for a plug, she almost fell out of bed in her attempt to actually plug it in. With her finger on the power button, she pressed it incessantly hoping it would immediately turn on, but to no avail.

She peered down to see what she was wearing – her blouse was wrinkled and her white pants were unbuttoned and unzipped but still completely on. The smell of the cold cheeseburger made her stomach more nauseous than it already was so she pulled herself out of bed and toted it to the kitchen. She clutched it with two fingers as if it were a bag of Sperry’s poop from the park, dropping it in the trashcan while plugging her nose.

When she opened her refrigerator door looking for her Brita, all she saw was an empty container. Feeling too sick to fill it up, she hunched over and searched the rest of her refrigerator for anything reminiscent of a liquid. She spotted a POM juice, but that was too flavorful for what she needed. Shoving six bottles of cold pressed juice to the side that she was saving for Monday, she spotted a gingerade kombucha that she had only had half of the day before. Twisting off the top, she chugged it before taking it away from her lips and letting out a breath as if she’d just finished jogging.

From the kitchen, she could hear her iPad’s FaceTime tone. Shuffling back into her room and lying on the bed on her stomach, she saw it was Caroline calling. Almost missing the call, she swiped her finger along the bottom of her iPad and the “connecting” prompt came up. When Caroline’s face came onto the screen, all she heard was an, “Ughhhhhh.”

“What the eff happened last niiiiiight?” she asked Caroline, who was also face down in bed.

“I. Don’t. Remember. Anything.” she responded.

She adjusted herself in bed to avoid having a double-chin in case Caroline took a screenshot and Instagrammed it with the caption, “hot mess express.”

“The last thing I remember is taking an Uber from Slate to Flame while our driver blasted ‘Sorry’ and I thought you were going to throw up all over his back seat,” she said while trying to hold back tears.

“Ugh, we are so bad,” Caroline responded. “Sake bombs always lead to mama getting hammed.”

“Are we brunching today?” she asked.

“Uh,” Caroline began, “Duhhhhh. I need a mimo like I need to breathe right now.”

“Okay, I’ll send a squad text and see how many I should make the reservation for at Parlor,” she half-heartedly said while looking at her nails to make sure she didn’t break one the night before.

Caroline wiped her hand down her face before asking, “Are we lulu’ing this brunch or are we actually getting dressed?”

“What do you think?” she asked. “I’m, like, way too bloated to wear anything but leggings right now.”

Seeing at the top of her iPad that it was already 10:32, she told Caroline that she needed to go if they even dreamt of getting a reservation. Upon hanging up, she flopped over into her bed and let out a groan while Sperry barked to the side of the bed needing to go out.

“One second, Sperry,” she murmured. “Mama needs a second.”

As she sat in her bed knowing that she had to motivate and call the restaurant before they got flooded with walk-ins, she grabbed her phone and heard it simultaneously ding with a text from Todd. After two failed attempts to unlock her phone with her fingerprint, she finally typed in her passcode to reveal his text.

“Anything you want to apologize for after last night?”

Image via Shutterstock

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Will deFries (Twitter / Instagram) is a Senior Writer at Grandex and the world's foremost authority on Sunday Scaries (Twitter / Instagram). Email me at

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