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She turned over in bed to reveal a crease from her sheets on her cheek. Todd’s side of the bed was empty, and all she could see with her blurred vision was an unwrapped half-eaten cheeseburger on her bedside table. Sperry was attempting to lick her face as she pulled her hair from out over her eyes and sat up with a splitting headache.
“Holy shit,” she muttered while attempting to check what time it was on her dead iPhone. Searching for a plug, she almost fell out of bed in her attempt to actually plug it in. With her finger on the power button, she pressed it incessantly hoping it would immediately turn on, but to no avail.
She peered down to see what she was wearing – her blouse was wrinkled and her white pants were unbuttoned and unzipped but still completely on. The smell of the cold cheeseburger made her stomach more nauseous than it already was so she pulled herself out of bed and toted it to the kitchen. She clutched it with two fingers as if it were a bag of Sperry’s poop from the park, dropping it in the trashcan while plugging her nose.
When she opened her refrigerator door looking for her Brita, all she saw was an empty container. Feeling too sick to fill it up, she hunched over and searched the rest of her refrigerator for anything reminiscent of a liquid. She spotted a POM juice, but that was too flavorful for what she needed. Shoving six bottles of cold pressed juice to the side that she was saving for Monday, she spotted a gingerade kombucha that she had only had half of the day before. Twisting off the top, she chugged it before taking it away from her lips and letting out a breath as if she’d just finished jogging.
From the kitchen, she could hear her iPad’s FaceTime tone. Shuffling back into her room and lying on the bed on her stomach, she saw it was Caroline calling. Almost missing the call, she swiped her finger along the bottom of her iPad and the “connecting” prompt came up. When Caroline’s face came onto the screen, all she heard was an, “Ughhhhhh.”
“What the eff happened last niiiiiight?” she asked Caroline, who was also face down in bed.
“I. Don’t. Remember. Anything.” she responded.
She adjusted herself in bed to avoid having a double-chin in case Caroline took a screenshot and Instagrammed it with the caption, “hot mess express.”
“The last thing I remember is taking an Uber from Slate to Flame while our driver blasted ‘Sorry’ and I thought you were going to throw up all over his back seat,” she said while trying to hold back tears.
“Ugh, we are so bad,” Caroline responded. “Sake bombs always lead to mama getting hammed.”
“Are we brunching today?” she asked.
“Uh,” Caroline began, “Duhhhhh. I need a mimo like I need to breathe right now.”
“Okay, I’ll send a squad text and see how many I should make the reservation for at Parlor,” she half-heartedly said while looking at her nails to make sure she didn’t break one the night before.
Caroline wiped her hand down her face before asking, “Are we lulu’ing this brunch or are we actually getting dressed?”
“What do you think?” she asked. “I’m, like, way too bloated to wear anything but leggings right now.”
Seeing at the top of her iPad that it was already 10:32, she told Caroline that she needed to go if they even dreamt of getting a reservation. Upon hanging up, she flopped over into her bed and let out a groan while Sperry barked to the side of the bed needing to go out.
“One second, Sperry,” she murmured. “Mama needs a second.”
As she sat in her bed knowing that she had to motivate and call the restaurant before they got flooded with walk-ins, she grabbed her phone and heard it simultaneously ding with a text from Todd. After two failed attempts to unlock her phone with her fingerprint, she finally typed in her passcode to reveal his text.
“Anything you want to apologize for after last night?” .
Image via Shutterstock
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Will
Will (Twitter / Instagram) is the host of The Sunday Scaries Podcast.
@willdefries
@willdefries
defriewf
will@grandex.co
Referring to themselves as “mama” might be the most infuriating parts of this series. 10/10 as usual though.
Low key, kinda hot.
I refer to myself as daddy sometimes. Mixed bag of results…. Shaquandra isn’t too into it but DeNiqua is real down
There’s a joke here but I’m scared to make it. I don’t have the street cred for this shit.
You made the right play my friend. Good work haha
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I hope she didn’t do anything wrong and Todd just convinces her that she did. His turn to play her.
Where is Brian? I miss Brian.
Catie fucking killed him.
Now I’m worried because that’s definitely something she would do if he tried to leave her.
A quick twitter search shows that she called off their wedding
Ha, I just looked and holy shit she seems like a complete mess.
Holy trainwreck, Batman. Her feed reads like a suicide note broken up into 140 characters of insanity.
You all weren’t kidding… that feed is a total disaster.
Wow. I too thought, ‘It can’t be that bad’. Boy was I wrong. For the record, I miss Brian.
Thank God. Brian lucked out.
No fucking way? What’s their handle?
catie_warren. Brace yourself for the entertainment.
LinkedIn says he is currently Digital Marketing Manager at Midland Radio Corporation. FYI
I also miss Gil Humplestead.
It’s been like a year. You know he’s halfway around the world on his pontoon by now. Stay golden pony boy
I probably deserve a Walk of Atonement for how relatable this was. Shame. Thanks, deFries.
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She doesn’t really seem like the type to clean up after Sperry at the park
God poor Sperry. The innocent victim of her life
Todd undoubtedly got yelled at about not giving her a ring yet. Hope he gets blasted at brunch and fake proposes to her.
Or she may or may not have done something in front him…possibly fueled by no-ring-rage
Like Trip
Come on Will, how would she know what it’s like to pick up Sperry’s poop?