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The following is a text conversation that occurred with Caroline during a slow day at work.
Girl: Did you see Equinox raised their prices again?????
Caroline: Ughhhhhhh. Are you serious? Like I know you can’t put a price on health but that’s just ridiculous.
Girl: I can’t afford spending over $100 a month on the gym, more than that on supplements, $150 on Kombuchas, and then whatever the hell I spend on Whole 30.
Caroline: What do we dooooooo?
Girl: idk, but all I do know is that I have way too many weddings and bachelorette parties this year to have flabby arms.
Caroline: Uh, tell me about it. Have you seen Sarah’s photos lately? She’s like so ano and I’m like so jelly.
Girl: She needs to eat a cheeseburger but also she doesn’t because she looks phenom.
Caroline: She insta’d from a pure barre class last weekend with a bunch of other skinny bitches.
Girl: I saw that! I’ve been so bad about barre lately…
Caroline: Are you still a certified instructor?
Girl: Yeah, but like, they might as well take it away from me because I completely stopped teaching classes when wedding season started last year.
Caroline: Okay, I saw this is on groupon… do we just start doing that Classpass thing?
Girl: I saw that too! How much was it again?
Caroline: $79 a month, which is like, affordable af.
Girl: I mean, it’s pretty much free. But does it only include weird classes?
Caroline: Idk but I don’t think so. I saw you can do that city surf class we’ve always wanted to try, and pure barre, spin class…
Girl: Like… what more do you even need? Seriously. If I did all that, I’d be hella toned.
Caroline: Okay. I’m on their website rn. We can cancel whenevs and it says, “Every month, you can take a variety of classes and visit the same studio up to 3x a month, depending on your plan. Find what works for you and set your own schedule.”
Girl: Uh, can you say perfect? We can do it until June when our actual lives start again and we don’t have to sit inside all day.
Caroline: Their insta has so much #fit inspo that it makes me want to puke. I love it.
Girl: Omg, are we totally going to turn into those girls who hashtag #BecauseICan with our photos of our Nike Flyknits and lulu bags?
Caroline: …
Girl: Okay, yeah, we’re totally already those girls aren’t we
Caroline: Hahahahahaahahaaha
Girl: Hahahahahaha
Caroline: I was going to say… look at your post from three weeks ago. You got like a million likes.
Girl: *Hair Flip Emoji* x 5
Caroline: Okay, I think I’m totally going to do this.
Girl: Samesies. Can we do the surf thingy this weekend? I’m scared of squatting but I want my ass to be, like, so VS Angel level.
Caroline: Totes, I’m looking now and they have two spots open on Sunday at 8 am…
Girl: Don’t we have that engagement party for Taylor the night before…?
Caroline: Ugh, yes. Should we wait until monday?
Girl: lol, we’re sooooo baddddd.
Caroline: I know… let’s just do that. It can be our last hurrah before we’re officially #fitchicks.
Girl: Let’s totes go shopping for some new clothes after brunch on Sunday though. If I buy a bunch of new stuff, I’ll totally feel obligated to work out more.
Caroline: Athleta? Lulu?
Girl: …both? *Monkey Covering Mouth Emoji*
Caroline: Hahahahaha you read my mind.
Girl: Hahahaha Todd is going to kill me. This is def not in the budget he helped me with.
Caroline: Umm he’ll be thanking you when you’re walking down the aisle looking so hot and skinny.
Girl: Right?? Like, you can’t be a fat trophy wife. That’s not how it works.
Caroline: Omgggg are we the worst?
Girl: Sorry not sorry. .
Image via Instagram
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Will
Will (Twitter / Instagram) is the host of The Sunday Scaries Podcast.
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I mean, if she had a Victoria Secret Angel’s ass I would probably put up with this shit too. I respect Todd’s plight.
#freetodd
At least when the skip a workout they can use their new clothes to put out the proper vibe while brunching with deFries.
Where’s the translate button? I have no idea what these girls just said.
I think I understood everything but “ano.” Anyone know what that means?
anorexic
What a compliment
Amen. Chrome needs to step up their translation game.
“I mean, it’s pretty much free” says everything you need to know about this girl. And, goes without saying, #PrayForTodd
Sweeeeet Caroline oh oh oh… Good times never seemed so good. So good! So good! So good! I’d be inclined oh oh oh…to push you off a cliff
Their voices were in my head as I was reading this. I want the voices out before I completely snap.
This is the conversation I hear every afternoon at work
So you work with babes?
Puuuuuuuke
Its gives me ‘nam style flashbacks to my old job
Do girla actually plan on becoming a trophy wife? I was under the impression that becoming a trophy wife just sort of happens after.
Guess she won’t need that master’s degree she was contemplating getting last week…
Equinox runs up to $200/month. Did the 1 week free trial and I’ll admit, it’s awesome, but you’re out of your fucking mind spending that much for a treadmill and eucalyptus towel.
But what about the Kiehl’s toiletries?
What does Todd think about walking down the aisle?
This is assuming Todd makes it to the altar here..
Same thing Chris Christie was thinking when he was standing behind Trump on Super Tuesday.
http://lolworthy.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/03/chris-christie-trump-meme-400×209.jpg
So, Todd’s just wondering when the cake will be served.