As much as you hate Brooklyn, I have no other reason but to love it. It’s literally the perfect setting. They have it all – dumbasses who live in 40-square foot apartments, insufferable marriage announcements galore, ridiculous hippie communes, and even artisinal mayonnaise stores. It’s the stuff dreams are made of.
But even I couldn’t anticipate what I was about to read on The Cut when the following article was forwarded to me. It’s the story of two brothers – Adam Charlap Hyman and Alexander Charlap Hyman. Yes, their last name is “Hyman,” and no, you can’t make that up. They’re the grandsons of jazz pianist Dick Hyman. And I know what you’re thinking, because I thought the same thing – “No way, there can’t actually be a PIANIST named DICK HYMAN.” Welcome to Heaven, everyone. We’ve found the most unbearable hipster duo since the von Trapp wedding that literally broke this very website.
You see, these Hyman brothers aren’t your normal brothers. No, no. Based solely on the interview conducted by The Cut, you soon realize that these two think their shit doesn’t stink because their noses are so far up in the air that it’s physically impossible to breathe in the same air as the commoners that surround them. The article centers around their Brooklyn apartment, which resembles that of a Wes Anderson movie. And as someone who actually loves Wes Anderson movies, I mean this in the worst way I could possibly mean it.
Adam Charlap Hyman, 27, and his brother, Alexander, 24, have been best friends and doppelgängers since childhood.
I don’t think you can consider your brother as your “doppelgänger” considering you pretty much share the exact same genetic makeup. A doppelgänger is someone you see on the street that makes you think, “Holy shit, how can this dude from Turkey look just like me even though we grew up thousands of miles apart?” Sure, your dad probably boned a Turkish chick when he was studying abroad (insert dad joke about “what was her name?”), but still, the coincidence is still there.
While young Adam was making architectural models of Frank Lloyd Wright homes, young Alex was memorizing the layouts of Upper East Side apartments.
Meanwhile, I was wrapping a plastic baseball bat in duct tape so I could physically attempt to beat the shit out of my best friend, John. What type of upbringing yields these two little twerps to make dioramas of Frank Lloyd Wright homes and draw crayon blueprints of Upper East Side apartments? That’s the type of shit you do after your trust fund kicks in and you need to build an Instagram following. Not the type of thing you do before your trust fund kicks in.
The two grew up in a creative household; their grandfather is jazz pianist Dick Hyman, and their aunt is the sculptor Carmen Almon, whose husband, Thierry Job, was Le Corbusier’s godson.
Ya hear that, everyone? These two are the grandson’s of a pianist and their fucking aunt’s husband’s cousin thrice removed was the godson of Le Corbusier. I’m no expert, but I’m pretty sure that 1. These two aren’t blood-related to Thierry Job and 2. You can pretty much make anyone into a godfather. Like, if I wanted to make my unborn son’s godfather Leonardo DiCaprio, I’m pretty sure I could just write it on a piece of paper and it would be official. That whole lineage schtick they just fed The Cut holds as little weight as these two could put up in the gym.
However, the Charlap Hyman brothers did not expect that as adults they would not only share an apartment in Carroll Gardens but also run a business together.
Shocking that these two little budding minds didn’t branch out and have a plethora of friends to live with. What about little Timmy down the street who spent his younger years building toothpick models of Charlotte Perriand chairs? Why didn’t Adam date little Lisa who mastered Beethoven symphonies using only the recorder provided by her elementary school music teacher? Of course these two were going to live together from day one.
“I think it would have never crossed our minds that this was the way it would go down,” Adam says.
Be more delusional, Adam. You can’t.
But when his younger brother graduated from Columbia with a degree in architectural history and was looking for a job and a place to live, and Adam was looking for a third partner to join his design practice, Charlap Hyman & Herrero, as well as a roommate, the logical thing to do was to join forces on both fronts.
Of course Alexander went to Columbia and got a degree in architectural history. It was either that or go to Brown and major in sculpting or head to Harvard and become a playwright.
Furthermore, I would love to see the finances behind Charlap Hyman & Herrero, because if this is actually a viable business and not something 100% funded by ancestors of the Hyman clan, I’ll sew my lips shut and not say a word about these two ever again.
Each room in this apartment (their second together) is designed with specific historic references in mind.
Hold onto your butts. I hope no one’s allergic to getting stung because things are about to get WASPy as hell.
The dining room and library were inspired by Russian architect Konstantin Melnikov’s house in Moscow.
Please keep in mind that these two are 27 and 24, respectively. The fact that they have anything more than a futon with an American flag hanging above it should be shocking to anyone over the age of 30. But to model everything after Konstantin Melnikov’s Moscow abode? I’d ask how they even know what this Russian’s house looks like, but there’s a more important question lingering here: what type of 27 and 24-year-olds have a library in their fucking apartment in Brooklyn? When I was 24, I converted a San Francisco dining room into a third bedroom because I couldn’t afford a normal place. Meanwhile, we’ve got 24-year-old Alexander sipping sherry and gut-laughing at some goddamn Tolstoy while Adam yells from the kitchen, “What was that, Alexander? I’m making some loose leaf tea and couldn’t hear you over the Evian boiling!”
The green of the living room is a nod to Goethe’s bedroom and shades of pistachio used in Milanese lobbies that Adam has a particular affection for.
Most 27-year-olds would look at the color of “pistachio” and think to themselves, “That looks like the green beer I threw up last St. Patrick’s Day.” But Adam is a special case, because Adam somehow not only has visited Milanese lobbies, but he has an affinity for the various shades of pistachio used in said Milanese lobbies. The gravity of what I just said is enough to completely flatten the silver spoon these two were born with.
Alex’s bedroom is swathed in fabric that he says “took some cues from Tolstoy” and from a Delacroix painting of Charles de Mornay’s room.
Call me uncultured. Call me a swine. Call me a commoner. But I’m sorry – dudes in their mid-20s just don’t “swathe” things. Swathing is reserved for people in their 40s, or I don’t know, people who lived in the 1800s? Who the fuck takes swathing cues from Tolstoy in the first place? These motherfuckers are drawing inspiration from Delacroix’s paintings while the rest of us are saying, “Oh, I haven’t had that flavor of Delacroix yet” while drawing our inspiration from Pinterest boards and Instagram.
“Alex’s room is very Nureyev-y,” adds Adam, who says his own bedroom was inspired by the famous Horst P Horst photograph of Pauline de Rothschild peeking into her salon vert, covered in hand-painted 18th-century wallpaper.
The amount of culture that just got shoved down my throat in that sentence was enough to make me gag and throw up on my keyboard. While most girls in their 20s are obsessed with mid-century modern design, we’ve got the Hyman bros taking specific paintings that we’ve never heard of and modelling their entire existence after them. The person interviewing them probably heard “Nureyev-y” and did that whole keep-nodding-along-and-pretend-you-know-what-that-means thing you do when someone quotes a movie you’ve never heard of.
In childhood, Adam recalls, “my bedroom was all white and black everything. Meanwhile, Alex was kind of living in Gilded Age splendor, hoarding our grandmother’s antiques. You can sort of see that today; our tastes are very different, but very compatible.”
Imagine saying those words. “Alex was kind of living in a Gilded Age splendor.” The most profound thing I’ve said in the last calendar year was, “Check out that Eames chair in the background of Frasier’s apartment.” Yes, the Eames chair that anyone with a basic knowledge of interior design knows is the starter kit for sounding like you know dick about it. We’ve got Alex hoarding his grandma’s antiques while I was accidentally popping boners whenever Kelly Kapowski came on the screen and trying to screw my friends out of their Steve Yzerman trading cards by offering up bent Gretzky Upper Decks.
I’m not kindly suggesting you look at the slideshow of these guys’ apartment: I’m imploring you. It’s somehow more absurd than you could possibly imagine, while also being exactly what you’d imagine it to be. May God have mercy on our uncultured souls. .
[via The Cut]
Image via HBO