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There’s a reason lists populate the majority of internet content and pageviews: they’re relatable. Even if you sift through “17 Things That Happen When You Have An Anxious Mind But A Laid Back Personality,” you’re bound to find one thing that makes you say, “Huh, that is so true.” Or if you’re reading “13 Things That Could Definitely Happen If I Put My Phone Away,” you’re apt to send it to your squad and say, “Hahahaha, this is so us.” Lists are relatable and we’ll probably never stop reading them.
But sometimes, they’re too relatable. In this case? The 42 Things All Generic White People Love To Do. As one of the most generically white people in the world, it only made sense to list out each of the 42 times I was, well, generically white.
1. Redo their high fives.
If you’re not getting the loudest clap possible, how will everyone at the bar know your boy just showed up?
2. Share links to 7 minute John Oliver clips or TED Talks on their Facebook and expect people to watch them.
Now probably wouldn’t be a good time to link to this tweet.
3. Spend more time talking about smoking weed than the actual amount of time they smoke weed.
Man, speaking of, have you seen that new show on HBO, High Maintenance? Man, love watching shows about people smoking weed. Weed, man. Weeeeeed.
4. Discuss how much they love the idea of Europe.
Is my roommate in Europe as I type this? Yes. Did he and I have a lengthy discussion about his plans over a glass of wine on Friday night? Yes.
5. Complain about gentrification but still willingly buy a $5 cup of coffee from the new place that just opened in Williamsburg.
I left the house twice this past weekend, once where I bought a $7.00 iced coffee with grass-fed butter, MCT oil, maple syrup and grass-fed collagen protein. But I asked for half-syrup because, you know, #fitfam.
6. Blog about their study abroad experience.
*goes to LinkedIn profile to change job title from “Blogger” to “Writer”*
7. Have (and voice) opinions on IPAs.
I max out at around 90 IBUs, man. Anything else and I’m up all night with indigestion.
8. Scream the “DUN DUN DUN” part of “Sweet Caroline” while drunk and sweating at a bar.
And at baseball games.
9. Repeat whatever 2-3 words they remember from high school Spanish whenever they can.
I emailed my high school spanish teacher a “happy birthday” message less than a month ago. And yes, I graduated from high school 11 years ago.
10. Wave to people on boats.
It’s the courteous thing to do. Everyone knows that.
11. Hold lengthy conversations about which hard alcohols they can take shots of.
But seriously, what about that one time when I was 19 and drank an entire bottle of SoCo? Everyone loves hearing my party stories. Have I told you about that one rager I held where I legit won, like, twenty beer pong games in a row? Could’ve been thirty. I don’t even know because I was wasted, man. Sooo wasted.
12. Find it kitschy and cute to grow your own food.
What am I supposed to do, Instagram the produce at the grocery store and not in my backyard? Chyeah, right.
13. Talk about learning a second language, but never actually make that much of an effort to do it.
I have the entire Rosetta Stone library illegally downloaded on my external harddrive.
14. Wait in line for 5 hours for the new iPhone launch.
Why would I wait in line for 5 hours when I can just order it on my mom’s plan and have it delivered to my house? If I’m lucky, she won’t even notice she’s paying for it.
15. Feel guilty about not going outside when it’s really nice weather.
Ugh, it’s just like, soooooo niiiiiiiiiice outside. What should we do?
16. Make you feel guilty about not going outside when it’s really nice weather.
Well yeah, sitting in the park taking Snapchat selfies is a lot more productive looking than doing it from my messy bed.
17. Honestly, always talking about the weather.
It’s the perfect filler conversation when you clearly hate the person you’re talking to.
18. Especially if it’s humid.
But seriously, I can’t stop sweating. I, like, can’t even go outside when it’s like this. Can’t wait for it to be winter so I can complain about how cold it is.
19. Play icebreaker games as adults.
We just call those drinking games but you’re never too old to play quarters! Fuck. I’m definitely too old to play quarters.
20. Troll people in the comments section of articles.
You’re saying that I have a fake account that I comment on this site with? No, that would just be silly. Of course, I don’t.
21. Use their middle name as their last name on social media.
How else are you supposed to #adult and get a real life job if you have your actual identity online?
22. Invest in a GoPro for mundane everyday activities.
This isn’t a mundane activity. I’m drinking Piña Coladas!
23. Use said GoPro to film themselves eating a Ramen burger at a farmer’s market.
Fuck. I bought a GoPro to take selfies while drinking Piña Coladas.
24. Or to document their trip to Cabo.
It was Puerto Vallarta.
25. Take photos with a Polaroid camera and then take an iPhone photo of said polaroid and then edit it on Instagram.
Dammit.
26. Keep their ski lift tickets on their coats for the entirety of winter.
Ha, no, sorry, I’m not garbage. I get free passes through a family connection and I keep mine in my locker.
27. Make jokes about how much they love wine.
What?
28. Eat Sushi with their bare hands.
Okay, yeah, sure, like you don’t get too drunk to use chopsticks every once in a while.
29. And ask for a fork to eat rice.
Like, if I use the chopsticks, I’ll eat one grain of rice at a time and it will take me an hour to even dent the bowl. Be realistic. Plus, I need a base for these sake bombs.
30. Analyze dreams.
I’m the type of person who is completely fine talking about my own dreams, but once you start talking about yours, I lose all interest and want to gag you with a spoon.
31. Say things like “fuck water.”
Yeah, I say, “Hydrate Or Die” when I’m drinking but that’s just a friendly reminder in between shots with my dudes. You feel me?
32. Have a strong opinion about Jimmy Fallon.
Oh, you mean the next Johnny Carson?
33. Talk about wanting to take a year off to travel or teach English somewhere or whatever.
But really, though, how incredible would it be to travel South America? In high school Spanish, we watched The Motorcycle Diaries and I’ve been obsessed with this idea ever since. <3
34. Pretend they can fit into an American Apparel size small.
What? I’ll fit into it after I finish this fad diet and start working out. No, seriously, I’m starting a new routine on Monday. New week, new me.
35. FaceTime their pets.
Sometimes you need to FaceTime people with dogs on Sundays to, idk, just know that everything’s gonna be alright.
36. Sift through the travel sized item bins at Target.
Am I supposed to carry around a full bottle of Purel, though? I’d rather go into a Columbian jungle without a gun than go to a public restroom without sanitizer.
37. Assign a name to their group of friends. Like, the Fab 5 or Bros N Bachelors. Ugh.
No, of course my friends and I don’t refer to ourselves as ADINM which stands for Awesome Dudes In Northern Michigan.
38. Go vegan for two weeks, only to break the streak by getting wasted and eating a Taco Bell Crunchwrap Supreme at 3am.
I once convinced a sorority formal date to eat a meatball while she was blacked out at dinner.
39. Be obsessed with female celebrities who admit they eat food.
But honestly, how brave is it of Lena Dunham to not adhere to societal norms? She’s such a real woman.
40. Celebrate St. Patrick’s Day. Hard.
If your shit isn’t green come the next day, did you even rage, bro?
41. Take group photos and always demand to do “a silly one!” and then a staged candid one.
Fuck.
42. Post the results of BuzzFeed quizzes about what Disney princess their Patronus is.
I got Princess Jasmine. What of it? .
[via Thought Catalog]
Image via YouTube
Respond
Will
Will (Twitter / Instagram) is the host of The Sunday Scaries Podcast.
@willdefries
@willdefries
defriewf
will@grandex.co
43. Invent every modern marvel, like television, planes, Democratic Republics, smart phones, and whiskey.
How dare you take pride in being white. I’m honestly offended by this comment.
Well, shit. I thought this joke would land.
I’m not sure I’d say that a “generic” person did any of those, and I’m frankly unsure what your point is here.
Found the Black Lives Matter supporter.
I’d say I found the raging asshole, but that’d preclude the other 40-odd “superior generic white dudes” that have agreed with your comment so far.
Censorship is for communists and SJWs.
really is. The censored comment wasn’t any worse than, you know, the stupid fucking article that underlies this column.
“I think we should get into a meaningless debate about race over a satirical article that isn’t meant to have any significance or offend anyone.”
That’s you.
Relax, man. You still mad Trump won the debate or something?
He won?
Was a joke.
I didn’t realize comments could be taken down
It’s Grandex sponsored terrorism, Frabst was just holding a Bible while picking his kids up from school and they shot his comment for it, I saw the whole thing, they murdered his comment.
Is Frabst going to be the first person PGP’s ever fired?
Came here to say Frabst has also been censored and blackballed on TFM more than one time.
Lists remind me of Kendra. Man I hated her – guess it’s okay that you posted one though. Now hurry up and crush my soul with TGDAG.
aw, miss me much?
fuck
Can’t say that anyone has missed your shit-filled lists. Hopefully getting destroyed on every column you wrote led you to pursue a promising career as a garbage truck driver.
Kara, who let you inside?
Blatantly screwing up someone’s name to show how insignificant they are. PGPowerMove
No fucking way.
Name their son Tanner
If you don’t wave to other people on a boat, you’re just a rude person.
We are supposed to complain about gentrification? Hell, I openly brag about gentrifying my neighborhood.
I love saying my neighborhood is on the upswing.
Yeah I don’t feel bad for formerly rundown, crime-ridden neighborhoods conveniently placed within a mile or two of the economic epicenter of a city for being financially forced out by people who would prefer a shorter commute to their job.
And by forced out you mean had their houses purchased likely at a multiple of what they paid for it.
Yeah exactly. Spike Lee, mr “Chiraq” and many others think it’s completely racist and bullshit that increased rent is pushing section 8 housing away from downtown. I’ve wondered how anyone can rationally support government housing existing in a prime location.
I don’t complain about the gentrification, just the yuppies who turn it into white people gang wars where the first thing I’m asked when meeting new people is what neighborhood I’m from. I just lie and name the richest one and walk as far away from that person as I can.
For real though, can you share those Rosetta Stone tapes?
Who are you Will?! Which one of us are you posing as?
I hope it’s ATLguy, if only because it means there’s not a real person with those opinions.
Theory, Defries is actually Shibby
not to debunk, but you think Will would run 2 twitter profiles just for the cover?
We’ve seen what he can do with TGDAG. The man would definitely have a bulletproof backstory.
What if he was mhc281 and then became ATLguy? mhc did ghost all of us.
As a cannoisseur of sorts I can confirm that I’m a weed snob.
We get it, Shibby, you smoke weed.
We get it will, you’re basic.
9. Repeat whatever 2-3 words they remember from high school Spanish whenever they can.
Instead of using what I remember from high school Español, I do this with the Spanish verses of Sublime’s Caress Me Down.
I always get Ariel.