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Bruce “Brew-Brew” Tanner
Company: United Oil and Gas
Relationship: High school friend, you were in his wedding
Job: Senior Account Manager
Position: Third base
Relationship status: Married, “like an idiot”
Age: 26
Height: 5 foot 10
Weight: 175 pounds
Pros:
• Bruce played high school ball and lets everyone know about it. He’s good, but not as good as he thinks he is–he was only offered tuition assistance at a non-scholarship Division III school after high school.
• Takes steroids.
• Great range.
• He’s constantly at odds with his wife. Aggression caused by stress at home leads to increased hustle on the field.
• He will get all of your ’90s baseball movie references.
Cons:
• The overzealous hustle and face-first slides get old quickly. There will probably will be a massive brawl or two at some point this season when he takes out some 35-year-old with bad knees trying to break up a double play well after the throw to first has been made.
• Zero power. Has to leg out doubles, but consistently puts the ball in play.
• He wears an elbow sleeve. It’s embarrassing.
Projected: Third pick
Outlook: Ol’ Tanny Boy and you have been tight since Mrs. Featherstone’s sophomore biology class. You went to different colleges, but remained close throughout. You’re going to have to cave after he sends you four emails asking to be on your team. He’s hardly athletic, but he will be a decent glove man at third.
Respond
Brian McGannon
What do I love? I love happy hour, a good golf tan, and getting moderately drunk during dinner.
@BrianMcGannon
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brianmcgannon
Amazing read as always, McGannon. I don’t know anything about the lady weights, but let me just say it sounds like you’re going to have the most fit team in your beer league. Your catcher is out of shape, but only weighs 240 pounds?
As one of the more outta shape guys on my baseball team this summer, one guy is only 6’1″ and pushing 270. Does this make him obese? ….Asking for a friend.
Murph can play on my team anytime.
You know how those Pfizer reps get down.
Besides, you know the friend that sucks will always be hot.
Dibs on the guy in the Cubs hat and jorts
Man, 31 is considered old as fuck, now? Damn.
I love you. I mean that.
The mock drafts are probably the funniest articles on here or TFM, more of these please.
Masterful work, McGannon. Well played sir.
I’m sorry, there’s no way a girl is playing shortstop for my team. Even if she did play in college, it’s just not right.
Grow up, Peter Pan. Talent Talks, Bullshit Walks. It’s not the size of the dog in the fight, it’s the size of the fight in the dog. (I have run out of cliches, but you’re an asshole and I don’t like you.)
Noted. Appreciate the life advice.