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Let’s put it this way: if instead of the weekly payments to my bookie(s) over the years, if I’d instead put that money into an average to above average performing mutual fund, I’d probably have enough cash to buy your sister that wedding ring I’ve been promising her. But I can’t stop. I won’t stop. My bookie will continue to buy his Armani suits at the expense of my future ex-wife’s alimony payments, and I’ll continue to ride the cheap thrill roller coaster of betting sports.
Betting the NFL isn’t easy. But it’s the hard that makes it great. If it was easy, everyone would do it (Dugan, J. 1992). I’ve been doing weekly picks for other blogs over the years; blogs that I’ve been fired from, but it wasn’t for lack of giving winners. And winners I gave. At a clip of, like, I don’t know, maybe 55%? If you’re looking to break even with your gambling endeavors every Sunday, then do yourself a favor and tail my picks. Or fade. You do you. Jimmy crack corn and I don’t care.
Anyway, off to a quick 2-0 start.
Chiefs and the over. Pats win 30-24 @jfunk33 @EthanGSN
— Boston Max (@BostonMaxG) September 7, 2017
Let’s dance.
FALCONS (-7) AT BEARS; 49
What will Atlanta’s offense look like without Kyle Shanahan? How will they overcome the emotional spankbang of SB 51? As for da Bears…they leveraged a bunch of draft picks for a QB who won’t see the field for a while, in a shocking move of incompetence that surprised nobody. What will Chicago look like with Mike Glennon running the offense? The dude is 27 going on 40. He looks like a 5th year who plays wayyy too much intramural basketball and has to wear knee braces just to get up and down the floor. Knee-jerk is obviously to take the Falcons, but the public is way too heavy on Atlanta with limited line movement, so give me the points. I’ll take the under, too. Have a hunch both offenses start out a bit sluggish.
Picks: Bears +7; Under 49
EAGLES (-1) AT REDSKINS; 47.5
Nice little battle of division rivals between two of the NFL’s most annoying fanbases. On the one hand, I lost too much money betting on Carson Wentz and his Seth Rogen looking ass to want to bet on him in week 1. On the other, the Skins didn’t have a rabblerousing off-season. Gun to head, give me the home dogs.
Picks: Redskins +1; Under 47.5
STEELERS (-9) AT BROWNS; 47
I hate taking huge road favorites in division games (unless it’s the Pats literally anywhere in the AFC East). This game is no exception. Yes, Pittsburgh is probably the second-best team in the AFC. Yes, Cleveland is more of a disaster than anything you’ll see on Efukt today. I’ll Costanza this one and do the opposite, even though I want to take the Browns because I’m a self-hating Jew.
Picks: Steelers -9; Under 47
RAVENS AT BENGALS (-3); 42.5
Crazy how Colin Kaepernick is getting the start here for Baltimore…just kidding, it’s actually going to be Joe Flacco (wink wink). One hit from Vontaze Burfict and Flacco is going to wind up with a back looking like some teen chick with scoliosis. LOVE the Bungalos at home in the opener against a Ravens squad that honestly has too many question marks, especially with a number of recent injuries on their side. Also, Cincy has won five straight at home versus Baltimore.
Picks: Bengals -3; Over 42.5
CARDINALS (-1.5) AT LIONS; 48
Mike Conley of the NFL, Matthew Stafford. Big time contracts for these guys. Stafford’s gotta live up, now. That’s a tough task against one of the NFL’s best defenses. But…BUT, Carson Palmer, what’s he like 45? Don’t sleep on the Lions; Detroit has an updated offensive line, and their running backs are healthy.
Picks: Lions +1.5; Under 48
JETS AT BILLS (-9); 40
Lol.
Picks: Bills -9; Under 40
RAIDERS AT TITANS (-2.5); 50.5
Fishy line. Oakland is a great squad, but Tennessee is a team on the rise. Plus, we’ve got a west coast team coming east for a 1 p.m. game. Something about this has me more confused than when all the kids at summer camp were doing the Big Red Challenge with their dicks. LOTS of line movement, too. -1 to -2.5, even though the public is on Oakland. Means the sharks are putting big cashola on Mariota and co.
Picks: Titans -2.5; Under 50.5
JAGUARS AT TEXANS (-6); 39.5
Look, this one isn’t about the X’s and O’s. It’s not about which shitty quarterback can play just a little bit less shitty than the other. This is about Houston. It’s about a home game at NRG. You didn’t want to play the Red Sox after the marathon bombing. You didn’t want to play the Saints after Katrina. And you don’t want to play me after my attempts at doing the sex. (Get it, cuz it’s a disaster?) Anyway, fuck hurricanes. I’ll take Houston in a beat down of, dare I say, Harvey proportions? (Too soon, I know, I’m an asshole).
Picks: Texans -6; Over 39.5
COLTS AT RAMS (-4); 41.5
I think I just threw up a little bit in my mouth. I honestly don’t even know who’s under center for Indy and I’m way too lazy to look it up. I think it’s Scott Tolzein hahahahah. I do know their secondary is trashier than a Jersey turnpiking, hoop earing wearing, spray tan sporting, short skirt jorting, bimbo son of a gun WOO! Anyway, LA has Sammy Watkins and Tavon Austin, who can both wreak havoc in the Colts. If only Jared Goff could hit them in stride without getting savaged by defensive ends. Good thing Indy has hardly anything remotely scary about their pass rush.
Picks: Rams -4; Over 41.5
SEAHAWKS AT PACKERS (-3); 51
There is way too much public favor on Green Bay. Yeah, the Packers are great. But are people really giving the Hawks no credit, even at Lambeau? That’s bananas in pajamas. I’m going to even sprinkle a little beer money on Seahawks money line (although Seattle hasn’t won at the frozen tundra since 1991…yikes). If Green Bay’s atrocious secondary remains atrocious, I can’t help but LOVE Russell Wilson and the idiot himself Pete Carroll. Also, total seems a bit too high for a game featuring Seattle defense, even if it is against Jordan Rodgers’ brother.
Picks: Seahawks +3; Under 51
PANTHERS (-6) AT 49ERS; 48
Seen this line at 5, 5.5, and 6. It’s been all over the place, but I expect it to land at 6 by game time. Get your pick in early if you can get it at 5 or 5.5 if you like the Panthers. Personally, I like the points, so I’ll wait until game time and try and snag it at 6 or more. Too much cheese on Carolina. And too much on the under. Public under at almost 80%? Auto-fade territory.
Picks: Niners +6; Over 48
GIANTS AT COWBOYS (-4); 47.5
While Giants-Cowboys are always wicked close, there’s no way the wrath of Zeke isn’t felt. Plus, dem boyz went 0-2 last year against the G-men, and you have to think there’ll be a little giddy up in them, especially Sunday night foozeball, at home, season opener. Add in that ODB hasn’t been practicing, is 50-50 at best, and if he plays you probably don’t have to scheme too heavily for him. I like Dallas.
Picks: Cowboys -4; Under 47.5
SAINTS AT VIKINGS (-3.5); 48
The public is all over New Orleans and the under, and any time the public is all over dawgs and unders, especially road dogs, that’s fade city for me. I have no actual insights in this game, except AP’s return to Minny is a nice little extracurricular story line.
Picks: Vikings -3.5; Over 48
CHARGERS AT BRONCOS (-3.5); 43
Two head coaching debuts in this one. Vance Joy Joseph is a really defensive minded coach, which just makes me think the Broncos defense will be scarier than the remake of It. For San Diego Los Angeles, they’ve improved on both sides of the ball. But MNF, in Denver, home opener? Tough place to play, even for a division rival.
Picks: Broncos -3.5; Under 43
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Respond
Boston Max
Spending my retirement fund at Trader Joe's and trying to remember to check my mailbox semi-regularly
@BostonMaxG
@boston_maxg
BRING BACK DICK’S PICKS
If you’ve been picking 55% you should quit your job, move to Vegas and start betting sports full time. Probably less than 50 people in the world that pick NFL sides at that level over a long term sample.
That being said, I love any and all gambling talk on Peeg.
If I bet, say, $100 on 100 games that’s only a profit of $550, and I’m wayy too much of a pussy to bet the whole board, so I inevitably don’t go 55% on personal picks. Let’s track my picks all year. We’ll see how close to 55% I get
You’re picking every game for the sake of the article – and should probably only be judged on games you feel most confident/actually bet. However, I still think you’re setting your goal a little high. Why not just try hit 52.38% to beat the vig and break even? To give some perspective, I make a living betting on the NFL (and college hoops) and my goal is 55-57%.
Just checked on my total last year. Every game, every week. 54% ATS. Totals? Naht great, Bob. Like, 46%
Gotta get 52.38% to break even
Panthers fell to -4.5, gotta go all in on that one
As a Jets fan, your analysis of the Jets game this week is spot on.
Also, the over in the Colts-Rams game with those two QBs? I don’t know about that one.
Lions are going to the super bowl.
*visit comment page*
*opens Firebug (Mozilla) or Chrome debugger (Google(
In the console tab, type:
$(“[title=dislike]”).click()
The same logic works for “liking” just replace dislike with like in the code string
You don’t fool me Vaginitisfuckface lol
You’d think someone who goes by vaginator would be too busy giving bad dick to troll commenters on a website. He must be going through a dry spell. Poor guy is probably just really frustrated.
And… I’ve pissed our troll off! I feel like I’m in the cool kids club now.
Cube, 19th and now DC… Wow dude, how much of a virgin are you?
If everyone is down voted, no one is.
How about we all reverse liking/disliking people? So you like something if you dislike it and “meh” it if you like it?
He’s just tilting at windmills (dolphins). Plus vitamins Texans mapmakers lawyers, dinosaurs, and Nived the prophet and visionary
and lest we forget, POTUS himself
It looks like it might be fixed now.
You spoke too soon DietDew
Sorry my bad, I do wish they would fix it.
Ahhhaha dietdew looks like you got got!
He’s automated the process so once he adds a person’s username into the logic, the bots do the rest as soon as the person tagged writes a comment
Anyone who puts the time and energy into figuring this out and implementing it is a LOSER. That’s the only way to describe someone like that
The guy is a peen
If there a way to code so every time he does a down vote it sends a vulgar text to his mom from his phone followed by “sorry that was supposed to go to Albert” ??
His shit list is really random too. For one thing Duda is not on it… I mean if anyone should get cursed….
I can see why I’m on it since he started coming at me in the comments and I’d respond just to fuck with him but he’s doing it to will for blocking him on here and anyone else who has responded to his shit or made fun of him after being blocked
All you privileged white mails. I get my dislikes through hard work and trash takes.
Males. Fuck, it’s Friday.
The troll’s after women too, he just took down DC. Don’t think you’re immune.
How does someone actually have that much time on their hands?
Yeah really confusing, as I have no clue who it even is or what happened to induce this random down-vote revenge plague. Just trying to share my PGP over here, and would very much like to be excluded from this narrative.
If his account on here didn’t get blocked, I could write the logic tagged to his username so he could get down voted into a black hole of nothingness like Will’s, Centrum’s, Donald’s, and my comments are right now but I have nothing to tag the logic to. Looks like we’re gonna have to redirect the HAARP direct energy frequency waves that are being shot into the ionosphere as we speak so we can steer the hurricane to where ever he lives
I was wondering what was going on. Grander getting their comment section integrity compromised is their oldest tradition
Grandex* man how is there still not an edit button
at this point the downvotes are a badge of honor more than anything CC @vaginatrix