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Well, we had a good run, didn’t we? We tried to keep the momentum going through the summer and into the early days of autumn only to run into our very own diet demogorgon: Thanksgiving. It’s over, folks. It’s all over. Time to start packing on the pounds.
Look, you gave it your very best but there’s just no way you’re coming out of the other end of this without at least five pounds of holiday weight on your frame. I kindly extend this invitation to you. Join me in letting ourselves go this holiday season. We look great. We deserve a little break. For 11 months of the year, we track macros and weigh in every few days to check our progress or make sure we’re not letting the weekends get away from us.
You don’t want to be the asshole who’s asking if there’s added sugar in the green bean casserole. Don’t just stare at the sweet potato pie, eat it. Your aunts would probably tear you limb from limb if you ask them if the gravy was made with almond flour. Your diet can fuck right off, is what I’m saying.
Thanksgiving is an American holiday and there’s nothing more American than throwing all caution about diabetes, hypertension and obesity to the wind in favor of third helping of mashed potatoes and cheesy corn. If you’re so worried about excess calories, you should’ve participated in some lame turkey trot. I don’t approve of that kind of behavior on Thanksgiving, mostly because there’s nothing more pompous and obnoxious than pre-dawn Instagram stories from the neighborhood 5K. Congratulations on running for 20 minutes.
Right after Thanksgiving, it’s shopping season. Don’t even try to tell me you didn’t eye fuck the Chilis across the parking lot from Best Buy on Black Friday. There’s nothing like competing for hot deals on appliances and electronics and then immediately taking your famished body and spirit across the parking lot to a Chevy’s or Steak ‘n Shake. You don’t work close to there, so it’s okay. You don’t know the next time you’re gonna be in that neighborhood.
Shopping season then gives way to office candy season where your office becomes an overflowing Wonka factory with fat and sugar at every turn. That gigantic tin of flavored popcorn doesn’t stand a chance. Never mind that all of your coworkers have been sticking their grubby hands into that thing for days and that the whole thing is more of a petri dish than a tasty holiday treat at this point. You will be humbled at some point when you look over into your trash bin and see it halfway filled with Reese’s trees wrappers and glistening Lindt truffle shrapnel. Half of the ingredients to humble pie right there.
Finally, we arrive at Christmas and you’re strategically hiding the 5-10 lbs you put on with chunky sweaters, a beard and executive cut blazers. Slim cuts aren’t coming out of the closet until March. No one knows the wiser. They’re in the same sick game. Christmas weight gain is truly the most elegant part of bulking season. It’s just smart to put on some winter weight to carry yourself through the awfulness of January and February. Enjoy what you can.
After Christmas, you can’t just jump back into the diet. New year, new us. The buffer week between Christmas and the New Year is truly the greatest week in the world. Stuff yourself with leftovers and stray candies, play video games, wear your sweatpants until the sun goes down and just let yourself enjoy this festive time of year with some jolly old weight gain.
With that, let me wish you, your family and loved ones a very happy holiday season. Only God can judge you. I wish you the very best in trying to keep it going through this stretch of calendar, but if not, I have nothing but respect for you regardless. Diet starts January. See you on the other side. .