I knew getting a puppy was going to be a lot of work. But I was wrong. It’s not a lot of work.
It’s a fuckton of work.
I read up. I watched YouTube videos. I ordered a bunch of shit on Amazon that I thought I’d use. Turns out, we used about half of it before realizing that we completely underestimated the damage control we’d need to do. I don’t want you to make the same mistakes as I made, which is why I’ve brought you here today.
Don’t take these suggestions lightly. Take out your Chase Sapphire card and don’t look back.
Toys, toys, toys.
You think you have enough toys. But then you realize that puppies have teeth sharper than great white sharks and they’ll do anything they possibly can to rip the squeaker out from whatever duck, elephant, or whatever the hell other stuffed animal you buy.
I suggest: Mallard Squeaky Dog Chew
Non-collapsable water and food bowls.
“Man, I’m going get these awesome collapsible bowls that we can also bring to the park,” I told myself. Fast forward to the very first lick of water our puppy took and our living room turned into a damn swamp land. Collapsable might as well mean “easily crumpled by a puppy’s paw thus spilling water and food fucking everywhere.”
Make sure the bowl is low to the ground. Make sure there’s a non-skid rubber base. Too big is never enough.
I suggest: Stainless Steel Dog Bowl
Need to teach them how to sit? Training treats. Distract them while brushing them? Training treats. Take them out to an outdoor patio to show everyone how dope your new puppy is? Training treats.
Training treats, training treats, training treats. Use sparingly, use wisely. But hide them somewhere out of paw’s reach because once they know the smell, it’s like a trust fund kid trying to find coke in Vegas.
I suggest: Blue Bits Chicken Recipe
I knew not to get rawhide, but boy, I had no idea how hard people were going to try to sell me on antlers instead of bones. You learn early that spending $5.99 on a single bone can become an every-other-day occurrence, which means you need something more durable.
Enter: Antlers / Horns.
Buffalo, deer, whatever animal sounds like it would be tight to kill in the wild while accompanied by Joe Rogan. They last forever, look tight, and if you’re lucky, people might think you killed said animal rather than buying them from your local pet store.
I suggest: All-Natural Deer Antler 6-Pack
I underestimated the size of my puppy. I also underestimated her ability to climb under anything below 12 inches. No longer can you just store shit under your bed. Next thing you know, your Instagrammable little gremlin has a mouthful of your Patagonia fleece that you shoved under your bed once temps hit the 70s.
Just shove all your shit in them and realize that you have to keep everything neat and tidy for the next calendar year. You’re too old to be living in a messy room anyway.
I suggest: Stack and Pull Boxes
Nothing is safe, including the shoes you’ve previously just been leaving at your doorstep. Not to brag, but I own two pairs of Yeezys. Not everyone can be as insufferable of a dickhead as I am when it comes to buying Yeezys, but buying new shoes solely because you were too lazy to elevate them somewhere is still inexcusable. Yeah, it completely ruins the whole mid-century modern feel you’re going for in your place, but it’s a necessary evil that you’ll need to keep up for the first six months you’ve got that little pup running around raising hell.
I suggest: Crystal Clear Overdoor Hanger
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