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I knew getting a puppy was going to be a lot of work. But I was wrong. It’s not a lot of work.
It’s a fuckton of work.
I read up. I watched YouTube videos. I ordered a bunch of shit on Amazon that I thought I’d use. Turns out, we used about half of it before realizing that we completely underestimated the damage control we’d need to do. I don’t want you to make the same mistakes as I made, which is why I’ve brought you here today.
Don’t take these suggestions lightly. Take out your Chase Sapphire card and don’t look back.
Toys, toys, toys.
You think you have enough toys. But then you realize that puppies have teeth sharper than great white sharks and they’ll do anything they possibly can to rip the squeaker out from whatever duck, elephant, or whatever the hell other stuffed animal you buy.
I suggest: Mallard Squeaky Dog Chew
Non-collapsable water and food bowls.
“Man, I’m going get these awesome collapsible bowls that we can also bring to the park,” I told myself. Fast forward to the very first lick of water our puppy took and our living room turned into a damn swamp land. Collapsable might as well mean “easily crumpled by a puppy’s paw thus spilling water and food fucking everywhere.”
Make sure the bowl is low to the ground. Make sure there’s a non-skid rubber base. Too big is never enough.
I suggest: Stainless Steel Dog Bowl
Training treats.
Need to teach them how to sit? Training treats. Distract them while brushing them? Training treats. Take them out to an outdoor patio to show everyone how dope your new puppy is? Training treats.
Training treats, training treats, training treats. Use sparingly, use wisely. But hide them somewhere out of paw’s reach because once they know the smell, it’s like a trust fund kid trying to find coke in Vegas.
I suggest: Blue Bits Chicken Recipe
Antlers.
I knew not to get rawhide, but boy, I had no idea how hard people were going to try to sell me on antlers instead of bones. You learn early that spending $5.99 on a single bone can become an every-other-day occurrence, which means you need something more durable.
Enter: Antlers / Horns.
Buffalo, deer, whatever animal sounds like it would be tight to kill in the wild while accompanied by Joe Rogan. They last forever, look tight, and if you’re lucky, people might think you killed said animal rather than buying them from your local pet store.
I suggest: All-Natural Deer Antler 6-Pack
Storage bins.
I underestimated the size of my puppy. I also underestimated her ability to climb under anything below 12 inches. No longer can you just store shit under your bed. Next thing you know, your Instagrammable little gremlin has a mouthful of your Patagonia fleece that you shoved under your bed once temps hit the 70s.
Just shove all your shit in them and realize that you have to keep everything neat and tidy for the next calendar year. You’re too old to be living in a messy room anyway.
I suggest: Stack and Pull Boxes
Shoe caddy.
Nothing is safe, including the shoes you’ve previously just been leaving at your doorstep. Not to brag, but I own two pairs of Yeezys. Not everyone can be as insufferable of a dickhead as I am when it comes to buying Yeezys, but buying new shoes solely because you were too lazy to elevate them somewhere is still inexcusable. Yeah, it completely ruins the whole mid-century modern feel you’re going for in your place, but it’s a necessary evil that you’ll need to keep up for the first six months you’ve got that little pup running around raising hell.
I suggest: Crystal Clear Overdoor Hanger
Respond
Will
Will (Twitter / Instagram) is the host of The Sunday Scaries Podcast.
@willdefries
@willdefries
defriewf
will@grandex.co
Stain remover
More specifically, Nature’s Miracle
And paper towels. So many paper towels. And, god help you, if you ever run out, Murphy’s law dictates that your little bundle of fluff will exorcist vomit all over the living room rug that very night.
We get it. You have a dog
Why do I feel like the article is a cover up for Will to post pics of his dog? I haven’t even opened the article.
how did you comment if you didn’t open the article
honest question
If your on the app, you can open the comments without reading the article.
Will, don’t forget the gallons of peanut butter your purchased
It’s not cheating if it’s your dog.
The android app has the article and comment section separate, ask your tech people why
You should ask yourself why you have an android instead
With an Android you can play goddamn Mario Kart on your phone. Will you? No. But the fact is you can.
Lint/hair rollers bc fur gets everywhere
One of the best things I bought was the Bissel Pet Hair Eraser hand vacuum. Small, cleans up the fur like a dream, no need to purchase stock in lint rollers. I think it cost like 30 bucks?
Will, Buffalo don’t have antlers
Sorry, “horns.” No one should be surprised I fucked that up.
Also, *deer. Something tells me Will might not subscribe to Field & Stream
This is the last time I write something early and schedule it to go out first thing on Monday morning for everyone. Blogging is such a thankless calling.
If it’s any consolation, I appreciate the early article to read while sitting around waiting on things at work.
What’s your dog’s instagram handle? Asking for a friend…
sundayswithrosie, but don’t get too excited. Will apparently doesn’t care for his followers as he’s only posted one picture this month.
Its been 5 minutes and that hasn’t been edited. I think he’s going to just leave it and say F’ it
A baby gate is also really useful. I got one when JackJack went blind. He paces a lot and would get “lost” if I wasn’t keeping an eye on him. Put up a baby gate so he can roam the living room without getting into too much trouble.
Dyson vacuum. Wait 3 days and vacuum. You’ll be surprised your two labs have hair left they shed so much.
Kongs and the Everlasting Treat Ball are the only things that have stood up to my dogs raptor teeth.
A big water bowl seems smart until your 3 month old lab puppy realizes it’s just a small pool and starts splashing the water onto the floor in an attempt to swim.
If you live in an apartment, astroturf with pee pads is a life saver and doesn’t look like complete trash.