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The great philosopher Christopher Julius Rock III once said, “Some people say life is short and that you could get hit by a bus at any moment. Bullshit. Life is long. You’re probably not gonna get hit by a bus. And you’re gonna have to live with the choices you make for the next fifty years.”
That being the case, I’ve decided to live my life to a certain degree of…comfortability. I do this by treating myself regularly to massages, spa days and facial treatments. What’s wrong with wanting to be relaxed and look young forever (which is so California it makes me fucking sick)? Go ahead and laugh it up at my expense. I’ll be the guy with the great hair and skin when I’m nearing 30. Oh wait, I already am that guy.
Reflexology
I can’t pinpoint exactly when it was, but one day I woke up with the inability to walk. I’m 28 years old and I have a lifetime of back, hip and heel pain as a result of being a moderately talented high jumper a DECADE ago. Hope it was worth it! (it wasn’t) There’s a spa a few blocks from my apartment in Nob Hill called Fairyland Spa (yessss). My girl Koko at Fairyland will, for $30, take a leather bound booklet of tools and her own dieseled fingers and work all of the scar tissue out of my arches, heels and toes until I can moonwalk out of that fucking place. They even have a punch card system, like a sandwich shop. Every tenth reflexology massage is on them. Better prize than any scratch off card I’ve ever bought (and cheaper, too).
Thai Massage
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a 95-pound Thai man walk his bare feet up and down the length of your IT Band and open hip flexor. Sure, sometimes I’ll black out from the pain but my guy Nick (not his birth name) at the Marina Thai Massage has done more wonders for my jacked up back and hip than half a dozen doctors have. And a full hour long body treatment costs 50 bucks. Are you fucking kidding me? I’ll gladly sacrifice one subpar sushi dinner with the Capital R Roommate to have Nick kick my ass once a month.
Facial
Have you ever looked at the pores on your nose? No I mean really looked at them. Those black specks aren’t freckles. It’s dirt that’s been clogged in there probably since you finished puberty. Which for me was like age 9. So once a year I go get that shit scraped out. There’s a guy who runs his own 5 Star Yelp reviewed place in Union Square named Caesar who, after generously applying layers of moisturizers and soothing steams literally claws the dirt out with a mini scalpel. Afterwards, you feel like you washed your face in the Arctic Ocean. There’s a joke in here about getting a facial in San Francisco but I’m better than that.
Eyebrow Waxing
Some men are born with thick calves or big arms. I was born with great hair and bushy eyebrows. When I came out of the womb I looked like Bert from Sesame Street. I tried plucking each individual hair one by one but it always resulted in me looking like I just headbutted a weed wacker. So instead I would go see my girl Beatrice every three or four weeks when I lived in Chicago. She’d wax those suckers perfectly until it looked like I had a normal symmetrical face, which would last for about 3-5 days.
Tanning
You know what, my old man’s gonna kill me. .
Image via Shutterstock
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JR Hickey
Stand up comedian and writer from Chicago who now resides on the West Coast. JR can be seen performing at Cobbs Comedy Club in San Francisco and Zanies Comedy Clubs in Chicago. His work has been published in the Chicago Tribune and recently he was a part of SF Sketchfest 2015. JR's also the host of the PGP dating podcast Don't Take It From Us. He loves you very, very much.
@JRwilldoit
@JRwilldoit
Glad I stopped myself before I googled “facials” at work
My work-provided health insurance used to cover an hour long full body massage and a chiropractic adjustment. I think the copay was like $20. But they changed my insurance and now it’s $115 every visit. Needless to say, I don’t go anymore and my back is killing me.
Thanks a lot, Obama
It wouldn’t be a problem in the first place if I actually went to the gym and didn’t hunch over my keyboard like Quasimodo, but yeah, that works too.
Had a couple’s massage over Christmas and nothing has been the same.
I bet your boyfriend loved that
Stop using tanning booths. Skin cancer isn’t fun.
Never had a massage in my life. So sad.
Sup?
I get deep tissue massages every other month and it has done wonders for my back, legs, and shoulders. They hurt like hell, but when it’s over you feel like a million bucks.
RIght there with you. After I walk out I feel like im 14 again
Not to be a downer, but if you wanna keep that great skin, you should switch to spray tans. Nothing ages skin like the sun/tanning beds.
I thought Patrick Bateman lives in NY?
The biggest problem I see is getting a facial and a massage from a man. Go find yourself a lady masseuse and esthetician.
I don’t think that came out how you wanted it to come out.