Relationship Vows Every Girl Should Be Forced To Take

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Whether we like it or not, we’re big kids now, guys. We have bills, fast food, gym memberships, and jobs (or job hunts), and some of us even have people that share those bills, fast food, gym memberships, and end-of-the-day bitching about our jobs (or job hunts) with us. Some people are taking it so far as to say real-life marriage vows that mean you’re going to be stuck with this person for at least the next month.

Regardless if you’re ready to take a step as serious as marriage or not, every girl should be forced to take vows at the beginning of each new relationship. Why? Because bitches be crazy, that’s why. You can get mad at me all you want; but, I have ovaries, too, and I’m still calling you crazy. It’s not meant to piss you off. It’s meant to keep you in check. It’s meant to prevent you from being on the other side of the iPhone—to prevent former classmates and friends feeling sorry for the poor soul you’ve managed to capture instead of happy for the both of you.

So, you’re welcome.

  • I vow to change up my #mcm from time to time and promise to never bitch at or about you if I’m not your #wcw every week, publicly or in private.
  • Speaking of Instagram, I vow not to #tbt your baby pictures on the regs or #TransformationTuesday our baby pictures together with an accompanying short story about how cute our future children will be.
  • I promise to always split the cost of Plan B.
  • I vow that I will call you by your given birth name and not refer to you as “my man” or “the boyfriend.”
  • I promise to never forget the guac for your burrito.
  • I promise that when it comes to profile pictures and cover photos, I will choose one and only one to slap an obnoxious picture of us onto.
  • I vow to never utter the words “promise ring” because I am not 15-years-old.
  • I promise to never make you pay for and then sit through a professional photography session just because it’s Christmas, Easter, or simply August 27th.
  • I vow to never make 120-second Snapchat stories of you just because “Someone didn’t make it thru the movie lol”.
  • I vow to not monopolize your time because sometimes you need beer and football with your guys and sometimes I need wine and Beyonce with my girls, and that’s okay.
  • I promise to never tweet about missing you when we’ve only been apart for an hour.
  • I vow not to put you on full blast at the slightest annoyance or just because some stranger favorited your tweet.
  • I promise to never give us an annoying couple name because that’s a hashtag that need not exist.
  • I vow to profess my love to you personally and not via a 300-word Facebook status on a random Tuesday night.
  • I promise to never ask (read: force) you to dress up in a couples costume on Halloween.
  • I vow to not screenshot every single text or Snapchat you send me just so I can upload it to Instagram to show all the other girls you’re “taken.”
  • Finally, I promise to never go full crazy on you, on Facebook or otherwise, just because I can. I’ll allow you to at least give me a legitimate reason first.

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My state gave you J. Law, Clooney, two-fifths of the Backstreet Boys, and multiple fifths of bourbon. I gave you a cover letter using Brian McKnight lyrics. Psuedo-adult by day; PGP, TFM, and TSM contributor by night. Please don't ask me to do math.

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