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Every time a much sought after bachelor gets engaged, an angel chokes violently on whatever snack he was eating when he heard the news. Immediately following, people all across the world start taking over/unders of the chances the wedding will actually happen, because Hollywood.
Thus is the case with the news of the nuptials between George Clooney and his 2,000th girlfriend. He’s the bachelor of all bachelors, the grand slam of single men, the it’s-so-loony-that-he’s-still-single Clooney. This week, celebrity gossip websites, news channels, and magazines alike announced that George has finally deemed one his mysterious, dark-haired beauties marriage material and popped the question all females long to hear:
“Will you put an end to all these gay rumors and marry me?”
Listen up, Georgie boy, because we’ve got some long-lasting marriage advice we’d like to share with you.
Never go to bed angry.
Unless you make this lucky lady sign a ridiculous prenup. In that case, you can go to bed in whatever mood you so please, because you’re George Fucking Clooney. But, if for some ludicrous reason you decided to just wing it and trust things will work out, maybe stay up and hear your new wife out. Did she find out about Kelly Preston from ’88? Is she upset about your 2006 kiss with Lucy Liu and is paranoid you have a secret Asian fetish? Whatever it is, try to talk it out, because sharing a bed with someone who you’re angry with subjects you to waking up still in a bad mood. Or dickless.
Always put her first.
As an actor, we know this isn’t realistic. No matter how hard you try to play off that the world revolves around you and your schedule, the fact that you come first is transparent. Plus, being such a long-time bachelor, you don’t have much practice focusing on other people’s needs. This will be a hard lesson in actually caring about and checking in with another human every hour, on the hour. But you must. Let her shop before you do. Let her shower first. Let her see you first before you look at how attractive you are in the mirror. It’s the little firsts that will make it special.
Keep each other laughing.
This is going to be rough for you, Sir George. Mostly because you’re not known for being a funny guy. Don’t get upset by that comment–it’s the truth. You’re one note and you’re hot–that’s what makes you George (and also what makes you seemingly very boring). So, instead of relying on traditionally labeled humor, try laughing at more unassuming things, such as how much more attractive you both are than an average human, how much money you make between the two of you, how sad it must be for everyone else in the world, or how bad your sex probably is because you’ve both solely relied on looks to get people off and maybe aren’t super sure on how to work each other’s equipment. Ha! So much laughter and fun!
Learn to agree to disagree.
• Agree to disagree with your wife when she says no one really remembers you were ever on “ER.”
• Agree to disagree that if you did, in fact, date Renée Zellweger, she isn’t as unattractive as your new wife says she is.
• Agree to disagree that you have a wide range of talent, it’s just obvious that your wife is jealous.
• Agree to disagree with the whole of society when it says you may not even make it to the altar, but you are getting closer, so that has to count for something.
It’s not the gift that counts. It’s the thought.
Unless you’re fucking George Clooney and try to get away with buying your wife a pair of Beats By Dre headphones as a one-year anniversary present. If anything you ever buy the one woman out of hundreds who you actually decided to marry is anything less than the finest of the finest, I will personally find you and smack that gorgeous face of yours. Then violently kiss it.
No, but seriously, you guys. I wish you all the best and many years of happiness. Stay beautiful, stay happy, and stay married to prove to the world that hot, sexy bachelors aren’t all lost causes. Also, have at least nine kids so we can call your family gang Clooney’s 11.