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Welcome to the PGP Mailbag, wherein I will answer questions from you, our readers. Send your questions to dillon@grandex.co.
Hey Dillon,
I’m 27, and all of my best friends and myself seem to find ourselves in serious relationships for the first time in our life. This has led to some discussion over the time-line such relationships take, meaning, when did you say “I love you,” have you met his parents yet, have you talked about marriage at all, etc… Through these talks I also realized that there is a built-in presumption that everyone will live with their boyfriend before getting engaged or married.
Recently, I am realizing that I am the only one of my friends that has a hard no on living with someone before marriage. Now, to be clear, I am not saving myself in any way… that ship sailed a decade ago. I’ve held this position for a number of other reasons, first and foremost out of fear that my ultra-conservative Catholic family will disown me and not pay for my future wedding should that proceed. But even more so, I just want to leave something exciting and romantic for after marriage, as well as keep my independence as long as I can. Also, if I’m going to move all my life into a cohabitation situation with someone else, I expect them to have to hire a lawyer to get out instead of just a 30-days notice for me to find a new home.
As for my own relationship, I’ve already voiced this stance to my boyfriend who seemed to take well, albeit he had always assumed he would live with someone when he was serious enough. But after realizing I know absolutely no one my age who seems to hold this same view, I’m beginning to wonder if I am the only person who doesn’t want to live with someone before marriage? Really I’m wondering if you could offer some insight into your thoughts on the subject as maybe I’m being unreasonably stubborn/judgmental of other relationships in being so adamantly against it. Any thoughts would be much appreciated!
I don’t think you’re “unreasonably stubborn or judgmental” of others who choose to do this, because it seems like you actually accept that your friends want to do it, BUT your way of thinking is very old school, traditional, and outdated. There are very few of you out there in 2017.
The religion thing I understand is big for some people. Respect. I won’t touch on that. But you start to lose me here:
“I just want to leave something exciting and romantic for after marriage.”
Why? What’s more exciting about living with someone you’re married to as opposed to living with your boyfriend? It’s the same thing, just with papers. You’re in the same bed, cooking in the same kitchen, laying on the same couch, and having the same sex. Here’s a little secret of the pros: Shit is the same after you’re married. Nothing really changes except your last name and the way you file taxes. There’s no “special” feeling you have after the newlywed phase wears off, which is brief, by the way.
I encourage you to reconsider your stance on this. You don’t know your boyfriend as well as you will once you live with him. You two could be totally incompatible when you sleep under the same roof each night. It’s the buying a car without test driving it first theory. Don’t forget thatmarriage is supposed to be a lifelong commitment. LIFELONG. Do it right.
Dear Dillon,
First off, big fan of PGP’s Touching Base. Your suave persona really seals the deal. If you ever wanna kick it in Ireland and golf sometime with me and my family, hit me up.
Let me premise this with a little background. I dated the same guy for all of college (I know, big mistake, right?) completely thought we were gonna get married, the whole nine yards. My ex didn’t pay for ANYTHING. I literally paid for his meals, gas, clothes, etc. I was basically an ATM. Never got a present from him for my birthday or anything. You can delete this if you see fit.
Broke up right before my graduation, before I was tossed into the sea of post grad life and post grad dudes. Forward to today. “Dating” this guy who spoils me. I had $90 ramen the other day. Spoils. The. Frick. Out. Of. Me. The thing is, he’s younger than me. Is it weird that that makes me uncomfortable? The other thing is, we have no spark. Literally no chemistry. Is there a way I can change this?
With high respect,
The Lost Girl
I really want to know what $90 Ramen is all about. Is this a real thing? It’s like 11 cents at HEB.
Yes it’s a little weird that him being younger makes you uncomfortable. Just a little weird, though. His parents conceived him after yours did you. Who cares? Unless he’s a generation younger or some shit, but I don’t get the feeling that’s the case here.
“The other thing is, we have no spark. Literally no chemistry.”
No offense but why in the absolute FUCK are you dating someone you have zero spark with? I don’t get it, and frankly I find it a little upsetting. You’re basically telling me “I know I can be much more fulfilled with someone else but I’ll settle for this guy.” You have one life to live. Go find your damn spark. Go have awesome sex with a dude you can’t keep your hands off of. That’s chemistry. That’s a foundation to build on. Tell him and his $90 Ramen it’s been fun and the Ramen was bomb but you have to find someone else.
P.S. Yeah let’s play golf in Ireland with your family. I’m not buying you expensive ass Ramen, though.
Dillon,
Hey man, headed to Austin for a business trip. Two days and I’m working mostly so time is pressed. What’s the one thing you “have” to do in Austin? Also, I think you should do a new video series where people challenge you in throwing a football. Ross can bet it, feel like he’d be down.
Thanks,
Kevin
The Austin nightlife is the one “must.” Rainey or West 6th are the places.
We’ve talked about this a bunch recently. I may put a plan into motion for a video series. And yeah, Ross will bet on literally anything. I’d be favored in each throw-off. Believe that. I could only do one every couple weeks at most. I’m older now so the arm takes a little longer to recover these days.
Hi Dillon,
Love reading the mailbags and your responses.
So my girlfriend’s sister is getting married in about three months and I’ve been given the official invite. This is the first wedding I have ever been invited to. To my knowledge it is an open bar. What is the protocol in terms of tipping the servers/bartenders? Should I drink next to nothing in order to make a good impression with extended family? My girlfriend wants to have fun (wink wink) but I also want to stay in the good graces of her family, many of which I am meeting for the first time. Any advice for a first-time wedding goer? Thanks
Does “have fun (wink wink)” mean she wants to do drugs? Serious question. If so, don’t do that.
Tipping is rare at open bar weddings. They don’t expect it and usually won’t have a tip jar set out. Their gratuity is typically covered by the bride’s family. You can tip in a “pour it heavy (wink wink)” type of situation, though. That’s very appropriate.
As much as I hate to say it, you shouldn’t get annihilated at this wedding. Not with her family there for an occasion like this. Drink enough to be extra social, but you don’t want to be the guy grinding his dick off and sucking face on the dance floor with his neck tie turned into a makeshift headband. Not a good look.
Mr. Chevererererererererere,
I recently noticed on Instagram that you were sporting some salt and pepper ‘burns. Wanted to see what your opinion of salt and pepper ‘burns are and what age you think it’s appropriate to just let them be. I personally can’t wait for the day I get to roll with the touch of grey.
I’m proud of my gray hairs. Most girls seem to be into it while guys tend to give me shit for it. I’ll take that. My dad has turned basically solid white up top. That might be in my future, and I’m okay with it.
You are implying that young guys should maybe dye their hair as grays start to creep in. No. Don’t do that. Let that shit go. It’s distinguished as shit and most girls like it..
The more questions I receive, the better this series is going to be, so send me your Mailbag questions to dillon@grandex.co and please put “Mailbag” in the subject line.
Respond
Dillon Cheverere
Dillon Cheverere is the Vice President of Media for Grandex, Inc. Email: dillon@grandex.co
@dcheverere
@dcheverere
RogerJDorn
No spark girl, stop using this guy just to be spoiled. Let him spoil someone who actually has chemistry with him. Find someone else you actually have a spark with and stop being selfish.
For a person who’s so concerned about maturity and dating someone younger, it’s not very mature to string someone along like that.
That poor girl needs a new ramen supplier. Better have fucking unicorn meat in there for $90!
Is she living in Ireland though? Maybe they have an ultra high tariff on ramen and they can’t produce it domestically.
Real talk though, her boyfriend isn’t a baller, he’s fiscally stupid. Dump him for that reason alone.
I don’t know what you could do with or to ramen to even come close to it warranting $90, outside of a place that only sells it so people can say they bought it. Give me a goddamn hotdog and a beer (or 6) any day of the week, sheesh.
Man, you’re comments about marriage not being special got me real excited for my upcoming wedding……….
Click for realness
Just a big “well, now what” experience.
If you’re already committed to the point of getting married then no, you shouldn’t expect a giant switch to flip and all of a sudden feel different. The biggest difference is the “forever-ness” of it. Honestly that’s my favorite part so far; the thought of “I never have to stop being with my favorite person”. You’re also likely checking a BIG box for her parents and never pretend their opinion doesn’t matter at least a little in the overall success of your relationship. In summary it’s probably a good thing unless you’ve picked the wrong person and then you’re fucked forever.
I’ll preface this by saying I’ve never done this. One piece of advice I’ve heard for tipping at open bar receptions is with your first drink tip $20. That covers you for the entire night and the bartenders may be more inclined to serve you first if the bar area is crowded.
Did this at a wedding the other weekend. The bartender had a drink ready for me by the time I got to the bar each time.
This is one of the few pieces of advice that has been passed down by my Dad and Granddad that I actually follow. This and the ‘if you can’t see through it, don’t drink it’ rule’.
I toss a $5 at cocktail hour then a $10 spot at the beginning of the reception. A lot of times there’s different bars or bartenders at each.
A) Tip the bartender; fancy downtown wedding $20, suburbs $10, sticks $5. It’s a nice thing to do and the bartender will keep an eye out for you.
B)Why are people in such a hurry to move in together? You’ve got the rest of your lives to deal with that shit, enjoy your last chance to live ALONE.
Because the average rent of a one bedroom in my city is allegedly $2200, and I’m tired of having random roommates, obviously.
Move to a new City, why does anyone live in a place that cost that much?
Because living somewhere like Akron sucks
B) So much this. I want to enjoy my own independent space for as long as I can. Besides saving money, I just don’t understand why after a year of dating, some of my friends just jump in and move in with their SO without a second thought.
I moved in with a guy post-graduation, and while it didn’t last long, it was an important life lesson. It was way too early to share a space, but I saved myself a lot of wasted time by realizing soon enough that we couldn’t live together. I think a compromise for girl #1 might be live together if/when you get engaged? That way there’s still time to jump ship if it’s totally awful.
Sup? Pretty flexible and decent cook who, for the most part, does the dishes on the reg. But must be down with getting a dog cause I’m all about the puppy life.
P.S. be ok with the dog having an Instagram page
Everyone is different, but my advice on moving in before marriage is this: you have a really short window in your life where you have enough money to live on your own and aren’t married, and you need to milk the shit out of it. Marriage is awesome, but having a place of your own where you can lock your door at the end of the day and sit around in whatever you want watching whatever you want and eating whatever you want is also awesome.
Plus, who needs the test drive. I can tell you right now, your spouse is going to do things that will drive you nuts. If your relationship is still at a stage where you don’t know that you will still want to be married to this person if they aren’t great about getting plates in the dishwasher, you aren’t ready to marry them.
This is some solid input. My wife and I kept separate residences (in adjacent apartment complexes) prior to engagement and marriage. We did it to respect our families’ expectations mostly, but we also did it as a bit of a test run for marriage.
It was the smartest thing I did. There were a few nights we’d have a big fight, and I liked having a place to get when I didn’t want to be around her. That buffer probably saved our relationship to be honest because we’re both stubborn as fuck.
I’m sorry, but you have bad advice to the first girl. if she’s that opposed to living with someone before marriage then she should stick with those principles. compromising your values is never a good idea.
But what if those values are worthless in the weight of retardation?
doesn’t matter. if you’re that uncomfortable with doing something, then it’s probably best not to do it. no matter how outdated it seems.
I didn’t take a hard stance. I simply encouraged her to reconsider. Moving in pre-marriage has its benefits.
duly noted.
There’s a big difference between compromising your values and being practical.
yea there is, but I wasn’t under the impression she thought of moving in with him for practical reasons, like saving money.
Or practical reasons like determining whether they can actually live with this person. I would compromise my values if it saved me a divorce.
okay, well that mantra works for you, but that doesn’t mean it’s a good idea for her. She’s this opposed to it, and if she ends up doing it, it could a problem that wasn’t there to begin with. and the divorce rate for couples who cohabitate is actually mhigher than couples who don’t.
The CDC actually did a massive study a few years ago on marriage, divorce, and relationship satisfaction rates a few years ago and found that couples who lived together pre-marriage had a much higher rate of divorce than those who didn’t. Same with marriage satisfaction- those whp lived together before marriage had lower rates of marital bliss than those who didn’t. Keep doing you girl.
For the first girl, I am/was in a similar boat. It wasn’t so much that I was not moving in with my girlfriend for me, but out of respect for my parents. I am engaged, and I live with my fiancee, and I don’t hate Dillon’s advice, but with a caveat: I would strongly recommend against moving in together until you are comfortable talking with your SO about marriage to the point where no one gets intimidated by it, a la engagement talk. I only moved in with my GF after I knew I wanted to marry her and had already begun looking at engagement rings. It was difficult telling my parents we were moving in together, and they did not necessarily take the news well, but it was to the point where it was a forgone conclusion we were going to get married soon.
“Yes it’s a little weird that him being younger makes you uncomfortable. Just a little weird, though. His parents conceived him before yours did you.”
Dillon you realize you’ve got this ass-backwards, right?
haha oops
Ignoring the pointed out mistake and keeping the original anyway. TFTC.
PGPM*