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As we all know, every February we’ll be faced with the inevitable mid-month Valentine’s Day barrage of appropriately themed stories and columns. In my spare time, I’ve managed to hack the servers from some of the internet’s most popular websites. Yep, I’ve gotten a chance to read their featured Valentine’s day columns before they hit the web. In order to save you all a click, I’m going to give you a TL;DR synopsis of each website’s featured column.
Vice
I Spent Valentine’s Day In Jail High On LSD
Honestly, this sounds like a hell of a trip but it turns out that romantic dinner with dragons at Olive Garden didn’t go over too well. Management may not have believed the author when he told them, “the breadsticks are working with the NSA,” but how else would have the police gotten there so quickly? At least the author found love in prison.
Buzz Feed
50 Drake Quotes To Get You Through Valentine’s Day
In the words of Drake, “I know they say the first love is the sweetest, but that first cut is the deepest,” and “When all is said and done, more is always said than done,” but “The game ain’t always fair and that’s the thing, though. You can play your heart out, everybody don’t get a ring, though.” Damn please don’t make my hotline bling for a minute as I cry softly reading Drake quotes.
Jezebel
Female Empowerment: A Call To End Misogynistic Traditions Of Valentine’s Day
Never thought I’d say I agree with the misandrist agenda of Jezebel. But I can get down with this author’s idea of splitting the check, maybe even letting a strong independent woman pick it up for me this Valentine’s Day. It’ll still be a cold day in Hell before I even consider voting for Hillary, Jezebel.
The Chive
Single Girls On Valentine’s Day (45 photos)
Just mutter to yourself, “Would” 45 times.
Thought Catalog
I’m Over My Ex: So I’m Writing About Them On Valentine’s Day
I envision this Author in a fit of pique typing away in a state of vexation at the thought of him. His devil may care attitude. The long nights laying together, embracing each other. Nothing was said, but this is what love stories are made of. That is until a bitter break up where the author makes it clear that this former lover is not even a blip on the radar anymore. So insignificant that they write an entire column dedicated to him. Love is dead for millennials.
Elite Daily
I Got Dumped So I Met My Valentine on Bumble
This is the new millennial love story. It’s like You’ve Got Mail starring Tom Hanks but with a lot more eggplant emoji and, “You up?” texts. This author may be on to a great movie script. Coming to a theater near you in 2018. Love is alive and well for millennials.
Total Frat Move
My Girlfriend Dumped Me Because I Got Caught Boning My Professor on Valentine’s Day
Horny college professor, horny fraternity guy, super awkward hookup story, and I’m assuming one super bitter ex-girlfriend. I’m not going to spoil any juicy details because I can’t tell the story of Boosh’s sophomore year as well as he can. That’s one way to earn an A-, bro.
Total Sorority Move
I Banged My Ex’s Best Friend On Valentine’s Day Because He Cheated On Me With His Professor
This story sounds eerily familiar. I wonder if this girl knows Boosh.
High Times
A Marijuana Enthusiast Guide To Valentine’s Day
Well, no surprise the first thing this author mentions is “THC-Infused chocolates” for the stoner in your life. They actually might be on to something here, count me in. Just put a bunch of Incredible Bars in a Valentine’s Day bag and I’d be smitten.
Post Grad Problems
Things Girls Do After Graduation: Valentine’s Day
You really think I’d leak any spoilers to this? .
Image via Unsplash
Respond
PostGradShibby
Same old Shibbster. Founder of #MargLife and the blumpkin beer craze. ShibbyTFM@Gmail.com
@DrShibby
Shibs, we all know you couldn’t leak any spoilers if you wanted to. Will’s dad can’t even get insider info.
I’m a fucking vault.
Or you’re like the rest of us, figuring out what the hell they’re going to do about 2 hours before your submission deadline.
Todd’s Dad could.
My face when I see a new Shibby article is out.
via GIPHY
Buzzfeed Food: here are 15 different ways to give yourself diabetes while you cry about your abortion of a love life.
It’s actually an overhead recipe video of a guy jerking off on a pound cake….
Everyone deals with break ups in their own way.
Our new Kara v3.0 is working on her Elite Daily article as we speak.
Me on Valentines Day
http://makeagif.com/DzyArN
You’re such a tease… And I like it!
I would expect Vice to write something like this “I got fisted by a hipster on Valentine’s Day down some alleyway in Brooklyn after another 3 day Coke binge.” Nothing wrong with LSD though.