Some guy lost 140 pounds eating a bunch of Chick-fil-A. I wish I was that guy, but I’m not. His way is a lot cooler and more delicious than mine. But I DID lose 140 lbs from August 2015 to today, and it turns out there’s a lot involved with losing weight that I didn’t realize. Aside from not breathing heavily every time I go up a flight of steps and being more likely to roll somewhere than walk, it turns out it’s like 90% shitty.
You find yourself with so many shoes
I’m still coming to terms with this. I mean, buying clothes is a pointless endeavor during the process of going from waist size 50 to 34, but it’s not like my feet drastically changed sizes, right? What was once just of a pair of tennis shoes, a pair or two of dress shoes, and a set of boots, is now also running shoes, softball cleats, hiking boots, two pairs of tennis shoes (one for yard work and one for, y’know, tennis and other stuff). I went from 4 to 10 or so pairs, and I’m burning through those at such a higher rate. It turns out you go through shoes a lot faster when you actually use them. Who knew?
People try to tell you you’re doing it wrong and that their diet is better
As I began this weight loss journey, people mocked and ridiculed me. It’s exactly what I would expect from my close friends and family. What I didn’t expect was how many people would tell my diet was wrong after I lost 100 pounds. I needed to be cutting out carbs and eating more acai berries. I’ve lost more than what a fifth grader weighs, and my diet and exercise regime isn’t working? I can’t say I’m interested in the fad diet that you lost three pounds on four months ago and then gained back threefold since then. You expect the people to claim you had surgery, to decry your apparent eating disorder, or what have you, but the fad dieters are the worst. I love hearing about other people’s successes, don’t get me wrong. But if you tell me one more time about your pine-nut only diet, I’m gonna shove pure gluten down your goddamn throat.
People who turned you down years ago come out of the woodwork to confess their attraction and it feels empty
I was seriously looking forward to this one. I wanted to pull a Ryan Reynolds in Just Friends. Ten years after my high school graduation I’ve lost 140 pounds, I’m successful (depending on your definition), and slightly less awkward than I used to be. I wanted to post this before and after photo to social media, get my hundred likes, and have a ton of women profess their newfound attraction to me. What I got, though, was messages from five or six girls I’d asked out a while ago and got rejected by. They’d “Always had a crush on me, thought I was so funny, and had an adorable smile.” The first message was flattering, the second was an awesome reminder of how funny and cool I now think I am, but after that? I know this is coming off as a humble brag, but finally realizing how shallow these people are is a shattering effect. This led me to the realization that most people are just assholes. .