Today at work, I set up my 401K. If you haven’t done this, it’s a soul-crushing moment because you realize you’ve started planning for retirement. It’s definitely one of those watershed adulthood moments, along with getting health insurance on your own and sleeping in a queen sized bed you bought yourself.
After thinking through it at my desk, I wondered what would happen if I decided to build my investment portfolio while drunk. A terrifying thought, at first. Of course, I later realized that the choices I’d make would actually be some sound, if moderately illegal, investments that would ultimately pay big dividends and provide me with a solid retirement, so long as you can get over the morally ambiguous choices.
My Drunk Portfolio
Amount Invested: 25% of my income, because fuck rent. I’m going with that Roth 401K because paying taxes up front sounds better than 40 years from now. Not that I’ll need my retirement on my megayacht helicarrier that I plan on buying after I achieve success.
Beneficiary: Uh…can I just take it with me, like an Egyptian Pharaoh? Are there no places to drunkenly spend my fortune in Heaven? Or Hell?
Stocks and Funds
Local Strip Clubs: 10% of investment, because it’s important to support single moms.
Whiskey, All Kinds: 15%. Supporting an American industry is really important, and I love bourbon more than I will love my eventual children.
Porn: 30%. It’s a high growth industry with a lot of return on investment. If you manage your deposits well they can finish up with some heavy dividends. Good in any economy, and ties into the world’s oldest industry.
Developing Markets investment in Colombia: 20%. They produce some good, uh, stuff, okay? This is a sound investment. Stop judging me. I’m not using my own their supply.
Jumbo Slice Chain Pizza Places: 10%. I’m fucking hungry, it’s 2 am and I’m hammered. This doesn’t get me all the free slices of pizza I want? What kind of bullshit is that?
Incredibly Dark and Overpriced Clubs: 5%. I just honestly thought it would get me cover. This is probably a bad investment. We’ve hit the peak of douchebag culture thanks to Jersey Shore and the rest of MTV. The market for douchebag hangouts is going to drop through the floor in the next 18 months. I’m not expecting a lot of return, much like how any night at an expensive club ends.
Poorly Researched Hangover Cures: 10%. I’d put my entire portfolio in these, but my financial advisor, AKA the bartender, tells me that’s a bad move, and I always listen to my financial advisor. I think I’ll just order another drink and allocate 10% to it instead.
So, there you have it. This is what drunk me would end up investing in. Think my portfolio is poorly balanced? Not enough preparation for a coming market crash in one of my selected sectors? Let me know. God knows my portfolio could always use a bit of work.