I’m Living The Sauna Life

I'm Living The Sauna Life

I have a gym membership at my local gym. And this isn’t the local YMCA or anything like that — this gym is legit. Monstrous free weight section, lots of treadmills and elliptical machines, a tanning booth, and multiple steroid users. Typical gym stuff that any meathead would enjoy.

Me, personally? I don’t really lift weights. Never been into that scene. I used to walk into the weight room, grab the 25 pound dumbbells and crush out like 15 curls because I wanted to get ready for the beach. I lifted legs once, and when I was walking like I just had a train ran on me, I gave that up. I mainly joined this gym so I could stay in somewhat good shape so girls wouldn’t throw trash at me or spit at me because I looked like a dumpster. Due to my basketball career, I can no longer use the treadmill or elliptical because my knees are like a crushed bag of Doritos and will completely fall apart. I started using the bike, but even that started hurting. I knew I needed to get a sweat in as often as I could so I had to think of what the best thing would be and then it hit me. I could just embrace the sauna life.

Sauna life is something I created. It is essentially going in the sauna for a long period of time and sweating out every fluid you have in your body. Whether it was water, the 130 Bud Lights from the night before, blood, semen, anything that could be considered a fluid — it’s gone. It has become the perfect place for me. I can get a sweat in when I need to, and I don’t need to stay at the gym for a long time. To this day, since I got my gym membership, I have not lifted a single weight.

The sauna is the most relaxing place. I pretty much just lie down and hang out. I’ll read whatever book I am reading at the time, or I will read the day’s news when someone leaves their newspaper behind. I get to do all of these things, and I get a good sweat in. I don’t need to lift weights and get tired. No time for all of that noise. The sauna experience will often leave you feeling very much alive. Your senses will be sharpened, and your tactile sensitivity heightened. This is also known as becoming a ninja.

Sauna life has some negatives, though. One being that you may shrivel up like a raisin if you are in there for too long. There is a legit risk for going in there for too long, but at this point, my body has been trained to make sure this doesn’t happen. I don’t even sweat when I play basketball anymore because my body doesn’t get hot enough. Olympian type shit.

Then there’s the other thing that may change your view on life as you know it: old men dragging their balls all over the place. Older guys just come strutting in, balls hanging down to their knees, and just pop a squat right next to you. No regard for human life. Savage shit. They sit spread eagle and pretty much give you a roman helmet while you’re trying to relax. You tend to get used to it after a while, but it still never gets easy to see as they walk in the door. At some point in my life, I’m going to just walk around balls flopping and give them a taste of their own medicine. I still have a lot to learn in that department, though.

Thing is with the old men, they don’t give a fuck at all. Who are they trying to impress? They have no issue walking out of the gym itself with their balls slanging around. I can’t wait to get to that stage in life. That stage where you can get away with everything because “you’re old.”

Sauna life is a revolutionary way to work out. To all of those who haven’t gone into a sauna, try it out. It’ll change the way you want to work out. It’ll change the way you live.

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Washed up college basketball player. Men's league superstar. Creator of Hawaiian Shirt Thursday's.

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