I’m Getting Into Yoga Because I’ve Reached A New Level Of Washed


Where are all my banged-up 30-something dudes who are getting into yoga at? That’s not rhetorical. I need to hear from y’all.

I’m 32 and I can’t touch my toes. Actually, I’ve never been able to touch my toes. I’ve been to three different chiropractors in the last 4 years. Some of that is due to relocation, but that’s still three more large males cracking my back than I’d like. That life ain’t cheap.

Flexibility has never been the key to my golf game. For a long time, I have relied on uncanny power and sheer willpower. I’m not that guy anymore. The writing’s on the wall. Something has to change or my days of snaking out WOLF victories on playoff holes will be nothing more than sweet, sweet memories.

So I’m getting into yoga. It had to happen. I’m with dealing rogue pain and soreness at any given moment of any given day. The standup desk wasn’t the game-changer we were all hoping it’d be. On to the next one.

Yoga is my last chance. A Hail Mary. This is my “Jasmine asking Nick if he’s into choking” moment. And dead ass – I need to hear from any normal dude out there that’s gotten into this. I’ve never stepped foot in a yoga studio, and there are exactly 2,300 yoga studios in Austin. My wife’s into it, but I’m not sold on walking my robotic ass into a class with a bunch of seasoned yogis yet.

In the interest of being as transparent as possible, I’ll admit it: I’m self-conscious about my new venture.

Walking into a class full of pros and looking like a dumbass doesn’t sound like a good time. Neither does sweating balls while my thin hair pastes onto my forehead as I cringe trying to hold my hands over my head in a lunge position. But desperate times, guys. It’s 2017. If your brand isn’t growing, it’s dying.

Joe Rogan does hot yoga three times a week. He’s basically 50 years old, and he’s out there cranking out 3-hour podcasts multiple times per week and looking swoll as fuck. Whatever he’s doing, it’s working. Okay, some of that is the testosterone replacement therapy, but I think I’m going to hold off on that until 34 or 35. Either way, his podcast is basically my moral compass at this point in my life, so you know I’m going to follow suit.

I’m ready to enter this phase, but I need that final push to get me over the edge.

I have no guy friends that yoga. I brought it up in one of my group texts and received zero responses. Crickets. I’m certain there’s a side text going on that’s just flaming me as we speak. But I expected that. I’m putting myself out there and need to know that this is going to move the needle one way or the other. Tell me I’m going to be reborn. Ask me how much of my next paycheck will be devoted to Outdoor Voices. Question my insecurity. There’s no such thing as bad feedback.

Join me on this journey. We have nothing to lose.

Image via Will’s Yoga Gram

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Lawyer. Writer. Dude doing business. I'm the meatloaf guy from tv.

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