If Our 2016 Presidential Candidates Ran Sports Franchises

If Presidential Candidates Ran Sports Franchises

In a few months, we will be voting on the person to run our country for the next four years. What a better way to take an in-depth look at the candidates than to ponder how they would shape a professional sporting franchise, as well as some ideal multi-sport personnel for their franchise. Remember, vote for who’s gonna bring you a winner.

Donald Trump

Trump’s team would be brash. They may not win a title, a division, or even a third of their games, but they’re going to shit-talk you like they’re winning every game 40-0. They’re not throwing out any X’s & O’s as to why they’re going to win. No, they’re going to win because the other team sucks and this team is awesome. The squad will be a dysfunctional nightmare, but they’ll be fun as hell to watch.

Of course, this is until Trump gets bored mid-season and sells the team.

Ideal Members: Rex Ryan (NFL, Bills), Chad Ochocinco (NFL, Retired), AJ Pierzynski (MLB, Braves)

Marco Rubio

On paper, this team looks great. They’re a young group of appealing talent. You don’t find many people rooting against them, and they looked like they could make a run at greatness. Before the season, you probably laid down some money on these guys taking home the crown. But somehow they just constantly stumble and end up 7-9, with constant shots of Rubio up in the GM’s box fake smiling in disbelief.

Ideal Members: Playoffs A-Rod (MLB, Yankees), Mark Sanchez (NFL, Eagles), the 2015 Washington Nationals

Bernie Sanders

Old Bernie would be that owner that wants his guys not having to deal with salary differences in the locker room. No one player could make much more than another. Nice touch, but your team may struggle when your punter makes as much as the QB or your middle reliever makes as much as the ace. The solid less famous guys would flock to #FeelTheBern, but the stars would steer clear. The only chant their fans could muster would be “Good, Not Great.” These guys would sit at .500, but at least Killer Mike would be up in the box with Bernie.

Ideal Members: Shane Lechler (NFL, Texans), Jake Odorizzi (MLB, Rays), Will Barton (NBA, Denver)

Hillary Clinton

Is this team decently capable? Yeah. Has some decent pedigree? Yeah. Are they likable? Absolutely not. No matter if they’re winning or losing, your first thought whenever her team is playing is, “I really love seeing them get shit on.” You try to like them or at least not to automatically hate them, but you just can’t help it. Not to mention all these unlikable athletes have hotter and much more likable wives.

Ideal Members: Phillip Rivers (NFL, Chargers), Cortland Finnegan (NFL, Panthers), Ryan Braun (MLB, Brewers)

Jeb Bush

Jeb would run a team with really good intentions, and they’d be contenders, but at some point they’d just implode because Jeb just can’t seem to command their respect. Unfortunately, this team, rife with aggression and bad attitudes, would simply tune out Jeb when he tried to reel them in.

Kind of like the Bengals.

Jeb runs the Bengals.

Ideal Members: Pacman Jones & Vontaze Burfict (Bengals)

Ted Cruz

Ted would take the player conduct standards of the Yankees and take them to a whole new level. Clean cut hair and shaven faces are nice, but that’s not enough. No tattoos, no night life, and if Ted’s players are giving out gift baskets, you better believe they have to contain Joel Osteen’s latest book and a laminated copy of the Constitution. Anyone who displays conservative values is welcome as far as Ted is concerned; let’s just hope he is thorough with his research or he could make some personnel mistakes….

Assistant GM: “Ted, I saw you hired Ray Lewis as a coach.”

Ted: “Absolutely. A fantastic citizen, and does a wonderful job of spreading motivation through the teachings of Christ.”

Assistant GM: “Um, were you following football much during the 2000 season?”

Ted: “Nope, I was fairly busy around that time, why?”

Assistant GM: “You uh….you may want to sit down for this.”

Ideal Members: Russell Wilson (NFL, Seahawks), Daniel Murphy (MLB, Nationals), Curt Schilling (Notorious Ex-MLB Tweeter)

As for the other candidates, at this point they’re all just running semi-pro teams.

Image via Ken Durden /

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Kyle Bandujo

The artist formerly known as Crash Davis. My kid doesn't think I'm funny.

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