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I think we all know about the infamous NCAA promo “Going pro in something other than sports.” It showcases that after collegiate athletes are done being exploited for hundreds of millions of dollars, they get slapped with a diploma (in most cases) and sent on their way. There is no NFL, NBA, PGA Tour, NHL, MLB or Premier League in the future of most collegiate athletes. Even if they do make it, the odds of making career out of it play against their favor.
Which brings me to on Johnny “Johnny Football” Manziel. He dazzled in college, on and off the field, and now he’s taking the real world by storm after being drafted in the first round by the Cleveland Browns. But what if Johnny went pro in something other than sports? What if he was just like the rest of us? He’d still probably be killing it.
Wall Street Broker
Nickname: “Johnny Finance”
Company: JP Morgan
Starting salary: $250,000
Typical weekend: Slamming martinis at The Pearl Room on Friday night. Doing blow with hedge fund managers and banging out a WSJ intern on a bathroom sink on Saturday.
Postgrad weight gain: None. He actually loses weight from the coke habit.
Instagram hottie girlfriend of the week: Jen Selter.
Nickname: “Johnny in Sales”
Starting salary: $40,000 plus commission.
Typical weekend: His weekend begins on Wednesday because he’s already closed three clients before EOB on Tuesday. Work hard, play hard. He becomes a local happy hour legend within three months of graduation.
Postgrad weight gain: Seven pounds to give him a respectable powergut.
Instagram hottie girlfriend of the week: Random girl he knew in high school who posts a lot of cleavage selfies.
Nickname: “Johnny Nanotech”
Starting salary: $90,000
Typical weekend: After a 70-hour workweek, JFN takes Friday night to polish off half a bottle of Glenlivet on his couch and browse Tinder. Saturday night, he’s buying drinks for his friends who don’t have engineering jobs.
Postgrad weight gain: He’s actually lost weight because he doesn’t have time to eat on most days.
Instagram hottie girlfriend of the week: The 15th hottest chick from Comic Con.
Nickname: “Johnny Litigation”
Company: Alston & Bird, LLP
Starting salary: $75,000
Typical weekend: Stays at the office until about 10pm on Friday, getting drunk with the paralegals. Wakes up on the floor of his boss’s office in-between two 21-year-old secretaries and then heads to brunch.
Postgrad weight gain: None.
Instagram hottie girlfriend of the week: He doesn’t have time to date.
Nickname: “Dr. Football”
Company: Beth Shalom Jewish Hospital
Starting salary: $60,000
Typical weekend: Working the night shifts and having three-ways with strung out nurses during slow times.
Postgrad weight gain: 20 pounds. Pure muscle.
Instagram hottie girlfriend of the week: Nikki Ferrell from “The Bachelor”
Freelance Internet Writer
Nickname: “Johnny Pageviews”
Company: Bleacher Report, moonlighting for Total Frat Move.
Starting salary: N/A
Typical weekend: Bugging his friends about splitting the dinner bill on Friday. Trying to avoid his landlord about his bounced rent check on Saturday. Writing “23 Times Texas A&M Made Up National Championship Victories” on Sunday.
Postgrad weight gain: Steady internet writer diet of Red Bull, Pringles and Clif Bars has led to a disgusting 20 pounds of pure fat being added to his frame.
Instagram hottie girlfriend of the week: Whichever random Instagram hottie he decides to write about that week is the closest he’ll ever get to dating one.