If I Didn’t Have Student Loans

If I Didn't Have Student Loans

When I was in undergrad, I learned many lessons that are still applicable in some capacity in my life today. A little studying can actually go a long way. When day-drinking, you can’t stop drinking, or you’ll start to feel like shit. Never trust a big butt and a smile. These are all things to live by. That being said, I think that the most useful nugget of information that I picked up is that student loans are a bitch, and if I ever have kids, they’re going to state schools. The whole state school idea is only a backup for if they don’t make it on to the Disney channel by the time they’re five years old – being well-adjusted is overrated.

Like many of us, I’ve found myself a career path that’s somewhat lucrative, rewarding, and doesn’t have a goddamn thing to do with my degree. Sure, college was fun, but hearing “bitch, better have my money!” every month from loan companies gets really old after a while. The only part I enjoy about paying my loans lasts for about five seconds, when I sing “credit score going UP on a Tuesday” to the tune of one of my favorite drunk songs in my head, and then I realize that all of my money is gone.

I always see articles detailing the effects student loans are having on so many people, and that’s pretty damn depressing. I’d like to take a moment to focus my energy on some of the awesome things I would do if I had decided against signing my life away for the next million years. I’m aware that these things are either impossible, or are still far too expensive, even without student loan debt, but I can dream about whatever the fuck I want to.

Buy a Nicer Car

Don’t get me wrong, I love my Nissan. I’m on my second one, and it more than gets the job done for me. You can appear to be comfortably middle class in a nice Nissan, and I’m okay with that at this point in my life. That doesn’t stop me from wanting to break down and cry every time a QX80 pulls up next to me though. Sure, I probably couldn’t even afford that shit even if I didn’t have student loans, but I’m going to point the finger there, and in my head, I really CAN afford it, in a debt free world.

Get Married/Have Kids

If I Had No Student LoansImage via Shutterstock

First things first, I’m in no rush to start a family of my own. I love nothing more than having no one to answer to, and I’m not really anxious to change that. That being said, I’d be more open to being linked with other people for the rest of my life if I didn’t have student loans. If I died, would my spouse be responsible to pay all of that shit alone? Fuck that! I’m not getting married until I’m out of debt, unless I’m able to protect my s/o from being forced to worry about my bullshit. Can a prenup do that? I don’t care enough to research that right now. Beyond that, I don’t want the obligation of my own family until I can afford to send them away on a vacation when I get sick of them. It’s like a gift for everyone!

Party with Rihanna

If I Had No Student LoansImage via landmarkmedia /

I don’t know Rihanna. I’ve never been one to be star struck or care too much about what celebrities do, but this girl knows how to party! If I had more money stashed away, I’d have more money to make terrible decisions with. I’d go to a club where she was, and buy a few bottles to make it LOOK like I’m baller AF, then casually invite her over to hang. I’d have enough money put on a charade for long enough to get home and have a story to tell. Now, before you say that I’m crazy for not planning to dive headfirst into a whirlwind romance with Rihanna, understand that I thought ahead. She’d eventually learn that I’m super fucking average, and then dump me for being poor. That shit’s embarrassing, so I think one night would have to be enough for us.

I could continue, but we’d be here all damn day. I am, however, lucky enough to still have money to keep large jugs of cheap wine in my apartment to drown my sorrows in. Hopefully reincarnation is real, and I’ll come back as a not stray cat. People literally worship their fucking cats these days.

Email this to a friend


It's a weird life, but it's where I'm at right now.

5 Comments You must log in to comment, or create an account
Show Comments

For More Photos and Content

Latest podcasts

Download Our App

Take PGP with you. Get

New Stories

Load More