If The People You Slept With Were Fast Food Restaurants

If The People You Slept With Were Fast Food Restaurants

There are a few things every week that almost every person participates in: sex (hopefully), fast food, and probably a set of the Sunday Scaries. That being said, something came to mind: “What if you compared fast food restaurants to the people you may sleep with.” The more and more I pondered this strange thought, I couldn’t help but find some undeniable correlations.


The steady hookup you have that looks great in their profile pictures. However, when you get there you realize they must be a master with Facetune and angling the camera juuusssst right. But you’re horny hungry and you know it’ll be good anyways.

Taco Bell

You both matched at last call while you were drunk out of your mind, so now you’re in an Uber on the way to their place. It’s late, they’re available, and it’s wonderful at the time, but when you wake up in the morning, you’ll see the mess and feel like shit. Good thing you have a Pedialyte and some weed because you’re gonna Live Mas for breakfast that day too.

Burger King

The steady hookup that always wants to try something weird. It sounds like it could be hot, but when you actually do it, it’s just not good.


The one you take home on Friday night because you know they’re not open for business on Sundays. Ultra conservative in the bedroom because the only position they’ll do is missionary, but damn, they do it well. They used to spice things up in the morning, but they recently put an end to that.


You don’t even have to get out of your car.

Local Chinese Joint

Twenty minutes later, you’re just going to be horny again.


All you have to do is text them some Emojis and they’ll be at your door in no time.


On top of always showing up fifteen minutes late to everything, they literally don’t even try to listen to you. You’ll say you want to do it doggy style and they’ll climb on top, but it’s so good you don’t even care or bother to go correct them. You wanted it mild but got spicy, and you might even go back for a wing to go.

Jimmy John’s

They deliver, but they always come so quickly!


They only stay local — you’re finally back in town, one thing led to another, and here you are. It’s 3 a.m. but you know you’ll be back there at some point again before the weekend is over.

Five Guys

Don’t judge.


You haven’t seen each other in months but you randomly come across paths. You’re hungry and they’re open, so it’s great. You wonder why you stopped getting together in the first place. Then the next week you forget to go there again until eventually, months later, you run into each other again.


This is the one who says they’re a full six inches but never actually quite measure up. At the end of it, everyone leaves disappointed in their choices.

Little Caeser’s

They are literally almost always available, “Hot N’ Ready.”


Rumor has it that they gave somebody something a few months ago, so play it safe and make sure they wrap up their burrito.

Enjoy your lunches.

Image via Instagram

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Same old Shibbster. Founder of #MargLife and the blumpkin beer craze.

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