I Am A Dude Who Is Obsessed With HGTV

I Am Obsessed With HGTV

My dad is one of those dudes who seems to know everything. You know those people that may or may not be book smart, but they are sure as hell street smart? That’s my pops. He could take an engine entirely apart and put it back together with no instructions. He can figure out why a horse is acting funny. He can fix just about anything. He has literally built or completely remodeled every house he has ever lived in. I’m pretty lucky to have grown up learning from one of the GOATs, and I could probably (with about 10-15 phone calls to pops) fix just about anything around the house as a result. However, the greatest thing that my father taught me was that the only TV channel worth watching is HGTV.

DIY network is also included in everything I’m about to say, but if we are being real, HGTV is king. It has everything you want and need. If you had to choose one channel to leave your TV on forever, choose HGTV. “Oh Delph, what about ESPN?” Nah fam, I’m going HGTV every time. I can watch people buy houses, build houses, fix houses, sell houses, and everything else. HGTV is the tits.

Let’s say you’re a dreamer. You love looking at beautiful homes. For the big dreamers, watch House Hunters International. For the people who think the USA is the only relevant country in the world, then just watch House Hunters. There’s also a House Hunters Renovation if you want to watch people purposely buy something they have to fix. There’s Island Life or Caribbean Life for exotic homes, and Lakefront Bargain Hunt is my personal favorite. Watching people with way more money than me try to pick the perfect lake house just brings me some kind of high. If you really want some fun, watch people buy houses for the first time on Property Virgins.

Watching people renovate homes may be the best part. Rehab Addict, Love It or List It, and My House, Your Money are all fun. The real fun is watching teams of two random souls guide through the renovation process. Watch Property Brothers if you like to watch two dorky twins fix people’s houses. Watch Flip or Flop if you want to watch a stereotypical Southern California guy try to flip houses with his stereotypical Southern California blonde wife as they try not to kill each other. If you want to fall in love with America’s favorite couple and true power family, then you have to follow Chip and Jo on Fixer Upper.

I can’t stop watching. I watch all night, every night. I wait for my girlfriend to fall asleep and then I just keep watching. I purposely wake up before her on a Saturday morning so I can get in some extra HGTV before she wakes up. I follow all the shows on Twitter and Instagram. I have dreams about house-flipping. I browse home listings all day long from my desk. I’m starting to consider quitting my job to flip houses.

Is this healthy? Am I alone? Is there anyone else out there who I can talk to? Surely I’m not the only one that has to watch HGTV every day. I can’t be the only person who connects with Chip and Joanna Gaines on deep level. I feel like I know them, yet they don’t me. Maybe I need help. I’m a former athlete that chooses HGTV over ESPN. Maybe this is growing up. Maybe this is me becoming my old man. I’m proud to be addicted to HGTV, and you should be too.

“Hi, my name is Delph, and I am clinically obsessed with HGTV.”

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I'm just a cultured redneck that coaches hoops and loves Dale Earnhardt.

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