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As an early-twenties female in modern America, I can tell you that I’m used to a lot of odd things. For example: paying over $6 for a single coffee. Buying $60 airbrush Dior foundation. Bumble dates that turn out to be pyramid schemes. All of the usual scams. But I’ll tell you what I never expected to encounter: rompers for dudes.
I’ve been both singing the praises and preaching the sinful shortcomings of rompers since 2012. The sundress-turned-shorts attire that has taken the postgrad female population by storm has been gaining popularity for years. I have had few, if any, naughty words to say about said garb until now. Rompers have always been a fun and flirty piece of attire; lightweight and available in fun summer colors. Usually flattering and within our budgets.
Until now, I’ve been hesitant to speak an ill word about the fashion, other than the fact that you have to get completely naked to pee. But now…now? It’s a whole different ball game.
You go to sleep one evening and everything is normal and fine. Trump is still talking shit on Twitter and high school students are still pretending that prom is the Met Gala. Spongebob mimicking Squidward is the latest meme and WorldStar videos are as casual as ever. The next morning, you wake up, and suddenly male rompers are a “thing.” I’ll tell you what. No boyfriend or significant other of mine is ever going to be caught dead in a dude romper. Actually, they may be caught dead. And they would be dead…because I killed them for wearing that.
Guys, I want to be honest with you. So honest with you that you completely forget about the idea of dude rompers. First off: they’re going to get caught in your balls.
Coming from a lady: those rompers go straight up ass cracks. It’s uncomfortable, yes, but for some reason, the male population loves to see a thin layer of cottony fabric lightly caressing a female behind. By lightly caressing I mean completely folded up in the ass-crevice. We can’t even help it. That’s just the way it is. From this experience, I can only assume that men will get the worst. It won’t just go up your buttcracks. That uncomfortable fold will inevitably wind up as a crease in the ol’ scrotum.
Next, I’m not quite sure how you expect to take a piss. Women don’t have to deal with urinals. We don’t understand or desire the opportunity to show our genitals in front of one another. We don’t compare vaginas in locker rooms or gossip about another’s downstairs-situation. All we need are some sequestered stalls and 4-ply toilet paper. Unfortunately for you, gents, you do not have the same luxuries.
You see, when women wear rompers, we have to peel the entire thing off to use the restroom. I’m talking boobs out (stick-on boobs included), and then taking the romper to the floor to simply pee. At any given location. This means bars. This means port-a-pottys. They’re miserable. You may think you’re better off with a wiener, but methinks not.
Unless the designer of male rompers includes a serious and usable zipper…you guys are going to be shit out of luck. Also piss out of luck, if you catch my drift. From what I’ve heard, the men who drop their pants to their ankles at the urinals are either complete losers or completely socially inept. When that dude romper requires you get down to your birthday suit at The Rhinestone Cowboy to take a drunk piss, will you maintain your confidence or accidentally fall on your bare ass in the bathroom?
Don’t do this to yourselves, guys. Don’t cinch yourself up into a coral-colored onesie originally made for a 165-pound model. Girls don’t like it…and I can almost guarantee you that your balls won’t like it, either..
Image via YouTube
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sexychocolate
You won’t need Seefood to know that’s Not Hotdog.
good reference
You might not, but the reals will. And everyone knows that if you have to piss in a romper you go out the side of one leg hole. Get with the program.
Can confirm
Future Amazon review:
0 stars
I bought this because the internet told me it was cool. My girlfriend left me, my dog now pees on my leg, I got humiliated in a public restroom, I soiled the seat after a late night Taco Bell run, and I now have to pay a therapist. To make it worse, I’m stuck in one right now and can’t get it off.
The real question we need to be asking…..Does this mean we get a new Guys being Dudes this week?
I can appreciate everyone being all in on these romper jokes right now, but I know some of you aren’t joking and that’s what gives me serious concern that this trend will actually catch on
#MaleRompers2017
There was serious backlash going around the internet when women not too long ago were told they couldn’t board an air plane because of leggings, and other articles have come under fire for criticizing women who wear athleisure/uggs/high waisted shorts/etc. to which everyone on the internet responded that women should be able to wear whatever they want.
Sean Connery wore a romper in Goldfinger. If James Bond can pull off one then I have to atleast try.
If Sean Connery is your inspiration for fashion choices, let me know when you’re ready to try this look on:
Haha I totally forgot that was him, well I guess I know what my Halloween costume will be this year.
Interesting point. But if you’re Sean Connery you can basically do whatever the fuck you want.
The designers did include a serious and usable zipper
The thought of guys pulling their junk out of a small zipper hole of a onesie to pee makes me simultaneously cry laughing and gag.
No different than guys pulling their junk out of a small zipper hole of a pair of shorts or jeans to pee, which is a pretty regular phenomenon.
Dudes who pee out of the zipper hole only, live life on the edge. Getting my little guy slashed by my zipper is my worst nightmare.
Any male with even average motor skills should have no problem getting their cash and prizes in and out of a zipper hole.
Let me introduce you to a little friend I like to call alcohol.
It only takes one fuck up out of a thousand attempts
And prizes?! Who is fishing their family jewels out to take a leak?!
Power moves only
Why would your member get “slashed” by the zipper? What kind of razor-zipper pants are you wearing?
Have you ever seen “There’s Something About Mary”?
“How the hell did you get the beans above the frank?!”
“little guy”
Nobody does this
https://pgparchive.wpengine.com/through-the-gate-or-over-the-fence-whats-the-proper-way-to-pee/
wrong
nope
I wouldn’t wear a romper to get laid.
I’d wear it to let you know that I don’t give a fuck, akin to wearing a basketball jersey at the bars.
that’s fucking FRAT
I need to change my damn username.
Nope, you’re stuck with that username forever. You definitely can’t email anyone to beg them to change it.
Calm down, Duda.
Nick Viall is about to be rocking the male romper like there is no tomorrow on his next 17 reality shows.
Please stop it.
PGP Insufferable Poll of the Week: Who is seen in public with the male romper first:
Robby or Nick?
Frankly, any male in a romper should get a one way ticket to Gitmo.
That escalated quickly.
Deservedly so
I was going to say he should be sterilized, but lets be honest. A guy who is wearing a male romper isn’t passing his genes along.