I Made The Mistake Of Looking At A List Of The Most Hipster Cities In America

I Made The Mistake Of Looking At A List Of The Most Hipster Cities In America

I’ve never heard of Find The Home before, but it seems like it’s a website that’s meant to help people who are shopping for new homes to purchase, a.k.a., people who are way ahead of me in life. They compiled a most hipster cities in America, and I decided to check it out so that I’d have a better idea of what places to avoid since I, like many, can’t fucking stand hipsters. As I clicked through the list, I started sweating, and may/may not have shed a tear, because at least five of the cities they named were places that I’ve actively considered moving to – some of them I still am.

Being a Jersey boy, I’ve always kinda liked Hoboken. It’s close to the city, has plenty of bars, and I could still say I live in my home state if I moved there. I always assumed I’d end up there eventually. Sure, I may not fit right in with all of the yuppies I thought lived there, but I’d deal… How the fuck is it the #1 hipster city in America?! Number fucking one?! Crushed doesn’t even begin to explain how this makes me feel.

Their findings are based on things like percentage of residents with bachelor’s degrees, yoga studios and cafes per capita. I thought to myself, “There’s nothing wrong with a bit of education and some flexibility.” And if it weren’t for cafes, how the hell would I get my caffeine fix? I actually NEED my coffee, because if I go without, I get crazy fucking headaches (apparently caffeine withdrawal actually happens). Once my train of thought got to this point, I nearly fucking puked on my keyboard.

Am I a fucking hipster?

I’ve spent so much time complaining about these fuckers taking over neighborhoods and pretending to be knowledgeable about pointless shit that I didn’t know I could be contributing to the fucking problem!

Like pretty much any group with a label, I’ve always said that the first rule of being a hipster is that you have to deny that you’re a hipster. The first step is admitting it, and hipsters never admit that shit. Sure, some shady friends of mine have thrown the term in my direction, but I never took it seriously, because I’m soooooo not a hipster.

Look, I really do enjoy the sound of music from my record player, and a lot of artists actually start to suck when they get really popular. I only have mason jars because I make kick ass hard cider, and how the hell else am I gonna share it with friends? You really can’t knock a festival until you’ve been to one, because they’re awesome. Going to a farmers’ market or a designated produce store can save you money, and help local businesses! PBR is cheap!!!!

I’m really uncomfortable with where this is going. Fuck it, I’m going to ride my beach cruiser around to clear my head.

Image via Shutterstock

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It's a weird life, but it's where I'm at right now.

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