I Don’t Want To Sell Your Health Supplements

I Don't Want To Sell Your Health Supplements

I’ve got great news. The next great health company is here, and not only will it make you the healthiest motherfucker on the planet, it’ll make you rich too. And it’s easy! I haven’t even mentioned the best part: there’s a multitude of these companies, and you’ve got at least one friend on social media who’s selling for them! Huzzah!

This friend/acquaintance/person you went to middle school with has been singing the praises of this company and filling up your news feed with incredible stories. You see post after post about a person who got shredded, or a person making a ton of money now, or just how damn #blessed they are to be working with such a great company. Lucky for you, this person has now messaged you, and after a quick conversation about how you’re doing, they’re offering you a chance to change your life and become a member of their team.

To quote the legendary White Goodman, “Spare me.” I’m not going to start working the social media corner pushing supplements. Now, I’m sure these companies have success stories, both health and financial wise. I’m sure the products are healthy, and I’m sure this person trying to pitch you has some justified passion about it. But, sorry buddy, I’m not going to join your team, and here’s why…

First of all, there’s your sales jargon. Quit pitching me like a telemarketer, because we actually know each other. You’re not presenting me this opportunity because you think I have the characteristics to be a great leader for your company; you’re pitching me because I was online at the same time you were. Thanks for the ego stroke, but when you send me a three paragraph sales pitch after three seconds of typing, it really takes the all the romance out of the conversation.

I had a feeling that you were going to ask me like this, considering that the last time I saw you was in 10th grade chemistry class and there’s no way you’re interested in how I’m doing now, so at least try to personalize your sales pitch. Hell, maybe just be honest. “I’m peddling some health products because fuck a 9-5 job, wanna do it too?” as opposed to “It’s so easy, the product sells itself!” Oh really? Never heard that one before! What the hell are they paying you for?

Second, I know what you’re doing, and I don’t like it. I think I speak for almost everyone else you’ve accosted via Facebook messenger when I say that this isn’t some big secret you’re letting us in on. Come on, you post about this pursuit constantly, and by that I mean daily. It’s like you’re posting baby pictures, except instead of a drooling creature in a diaper, you’re posting pictures of half-naked strangers showing off their “gains” followed by a paragraph about how incredibly healthy these products are, how taking them will change your life forever, and then mentioning how you’re also getting so much extra money while helping so many people.

Congrats Mother Teresa with financial motivations, and good for you, but I’ve seen all your posts. I know you’re selling this stuff, so you don’t need to accost me like a street musician trying to get me to listen to their demo. If I’m interested, I’ll ask, and considering I’m already late to the party in an extremely crowded market, I’m going to just keep sitting at my desk plugging away at the job I slaved through school to earn.

Finally, I just don’t give a fuck. Plain and simple. I don’t care. Network marketing and slinging this stuff may work great for some people, but it’s not my forte or something that remotely interests me. If it was, I would’ve responded to at least one of the last forty-seven posts regarding this stuff. If your repeated posting, as well as your used-car salesmen shtick, hadn’t already warded me off, the simple fact that I won’t use or care about the product enough to become a walking billboard for it will do the trick. And honestly, the last time I bothered to work out, I didn’t follow it up with some powdery miracle drink or a nutritious gel pack. I came home and inhaled a roll of Oreos and had a beer. #Gains

Listen, congrats on all your success. I wish you the best and hope that you really become a millionaire with unlimited free time who lives until you’re 150. I’m not knocking selling, because I know it takes work, and selling health is better than selling crack. But fuck, let me get back to my desk, I’ve got work to do.

Image via Shutterstock

Email this to a friend

Kyle Bandujo

The artist formerly known as Crash Davis. My kid doesn't think I'm funny.

12 Comments You must log in to comment, or create an account
Show Comments

For More Photos and Content

Latest podcasts

Download Our App

Take PGP with you. Get

New Stories

Load More