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I learned a lot of stuff in college, because duh, that’s why we go there. I learned how to adjust to new places and people. I learned when to speak my mind and when to bite my tongue. I learned how to funnel a beer and to be careful who you trust. There was one important thing, however, that I never seemed to grasp. No matter how hard I tried, no matter how much effort I put in, I was never able to perfect a nice, drunken buzz. It’s an embarrassing and sad feat of mine. The one skill from college that could have been useful in the ~real world,~ I was unable to grasp, and I’ve regretted it ever since.
You’re probably wondering what my problem is. If I binge drank as much as required in college, where did I go wrong that I couldn’t get a buzz? I’m not sure to be honest. Every time I drank in college it either wasn’t enough to feel much of anything or it was enough to forget at least part of my regrets actions from the previous night.
About halfway through my college career, I became aware of my problem. I would go out with the intention to only get a buzz. I had heard such good things about being buzzed. Not only did you get the benefits from feeling boozed (see: drunk confidence), but you wouldn’t make stupid decisions. It was the best of both worlds. A world that I so desired to enter. I did my best to learn my tolerance and not push it to its limits. I soon learned the root to my buzz-less problem: patience.
I had none. Every time I drank, I wanted to be drunk and I wanted it now. I would down my first beverage, no problem and no effect. Down another. Same. Down a few more. I never took into account that the effects of alcohol weren’t immediate. While I was downing drinks to feel the buzz faster, my body was storing up the powers of the proof and waiting to release it’s wrath all at once. And just like that. Boom, blacked out.
For being a generally smart person, you would think that I would have learned my lesson. That the solution to my problem was to simply let time take over. But my intelligence was never able to overpower my patience and I always found myself waking up the next morning with blurred memories and no recollection of a buzz. Defeated by my own desire to drink, yet again.
To this day I still don’t think I’ve ever been buzzed. It’s like the lost city of Atlantis that I’ll never get to explore. A drug that I’ll never get to trip on. My friends speak so highly of the experience. Some even say that they get a buzz every time they drink and get to stop drinking and enjoy their night. Ah, what a life that must be.
Don’t worry about me, though. I’ll be fine getting hammered at the company happy hour. Completely wasted at my cousin’s wedding. Blacked out with clients at a business dinner. I could quit drinking altogether, but then who would make my friends feel better about themselves?.
Respond
I think you have a problem beyond your inability to get buzzed.
My mom would agree
http://bloodalcoholcalculator.org/ Check this out. Use basic math to reach where you need to be and drink 1-2 drinks per hour in that vicinity to maintain your steady buzz. Source: am not retarded.
Gonna need to see a citation for that source
Sounds like a personal problem
Being known as a generally smart person. PGP.
Drinking in moderation is for the weak. #blackoutorbust
One beer, one nip of spirits each hour. Sustain this for a few hours. Buzz Central.
Drinking just to get drunk is called alcoholism. Get help.
There literally isn’t any other reason to drink.
Every time you drink, do you get hammered, or are there times where you have one or two drinks?
I drink until I can feel the alcohol because I’m not a Mormon.
I enjoy a good scotch or a beer by itself without getting drunk. Do I drink to get a buzz sometimes, sure, but 95% of the time I’m drinking to enjoy the taste.
Unless that beer or scotch is alcohol free, you’re full of shit.
How can you not enjoy the taste of beer?
You’re missing the point. I love the taste of beer and scotch. But they’re acquired tastes. If whiskey didn’t have alcohol in it, do you really think anyone would drink it? Would you spend $12 on a couple ounces of alcohol free whiskey at a bar? Of course not. That would be stupid. You’re drinking it because it has alcohol in it.
If you read this article back at Christmas, you already know how much I love scotch: https://pgparchive.wpengine.com/5-holiday-cocktails-to-get-you-hammered-enough-to-power-through/
Fine, I’ll take the down votes, but I’m just here to speak the truth.
Interesting, definitely thought you’d be more of a wine guy.
What kind of nonsense is that. Every time I drink it’s to get drunk.
Dropping the A-word a bit quick their, broski.