For most of us, today marks the first day back after July 4th Weekend. Welcome to Hell, boys and girls. What was once your motivator, the reason you basically kept existing and the only thing keeping you chugging along at your desk, is now a fleeting memory in the rear-view mirror of life, a glorious long weekend/a week of patriotism and debauchery forever etched in the annuls of your mind — a time you will never, ever get back.
Now you’re back at your desk, answering a flurry of emails from over the break, and your boss keeps staring daggers at you because you reek of cheap beer and boxed wine, you degenerate drunk.
Don’t fret. Sit back, relax, and for the love of God, don’t cry. Here are some way you can survive the first day back after a long holiday break:
Inordinate Amounts of Coffee
Barring the consumption of illicit substances or certain fermented beverages that most HR Representatives frown upon imbibing at work, the only way you’re gonna get through today is with a solid dose of Vitamin C. I mean coffee, not the actual vitamin, nor the pop star from the late 90s/early 2000s. (PS: Did you know that Vitamin C is the VP of Music at Nickelodeon now? That’s a sweet gig.)
Black, filtered Gold. Seattle Tea. Go to Dunkin/Starbucks/Coffee Bean/McDonalds/your friendly neighborhood Keurig Machine and get yourself a giant cup of iced coffee. The biggest size they have. Better make it two. And if you’re feeling bold, make it one of those frappuccinos that are a zillion calories, because fuck it, that’s why. You need this more than your waistline does.
Go, you chicken fat, go. Trust me, it sucks to have to wake up early to go to the gym before work on a day like this, but your body will thank you later. It doesn’t have to be anything extensive. Just hop on the treadmill or elliptical for like 15-20 minutes to get the blood pumping. Or if you can’t manage to crawl out of the bed to the gym, do a bunch of crunches or something. Just to get a little schvitz (sweat) on. Just something to sweat the booze and shame out of your pores. Mask that shit with some cologne and deodorant too. And shave, you fucking caveman. Can’t go into work looking like Grizzly Adams unless you work for Grizzly Adams Incorporated and you are Grizzly Adams.
This is a must. I’m not talking about scarfing down a Yogurt or muffin on your way in to work. Nope. God no. Stand in front of your stove and make yourself two goddamn eggs. Crack ’em over the side of the pan and cook that shit up. Throw some cheese and some peppers in there too. Toast is a must. Juice is also a must, you must have SOMETHING left over from making all those mixed drinks you love. Try Orange Juice – it’s a screwdriver, sans vodka. Then sit down and eat it and get yourself psyched up for the hell that’s to come.
Muddle Through Your Workday
Look, from the minute you get into the office, you are going to be absolutely bombarded. A sensory overload of “How was your Fourth of July Weekend?” from every fucking work friend, casual acquaintance and that overly-friendly marketing assistant with that high pitched voice, will make you just want to beat the piss out of everyone you see, throw your computer out the window and jump out after it, screaming “GATTICA” at the top of your lungs.
So keep your head down, do as much work as you can without working too hard, be friendly, but not too friendly, and follow your ABCs: Always Be Coffeeing.
Splurge On Lunch
You’re having a hard day, probably. All you want to do is be outside, sitting on the beach, in a hammock doing nothing, or in front of your air conditioner watching shitty reality TV. But you’re not. You’re at work, having the tan you worked so hard for sucked away under those miserable fluorescent lights. So what’s the only thing you can do?
Treat. Yo. Self.
Get that massive Chicken and Broocoli lunch special from the Chinese place down the street that comes with soup, rice and copious amounts of MSG. Get the Quesarito, praise be onto its golden crust. Hell, get a big sack of McDonalds and consume it at your desk, proudly. Get a large of whatever you get, and consume it proudly. You earned it, tiger.
Multiple Bathroom Trips
The coffee should take care of this for you, because you’re gonna have to piss like a racehorse. And it certainly won’t stop up your colon, that’s for damn sure. The 20 minutes you spend busting out a grumpy is 20 minutes you can spend away from your desk, and 20 minutes closer to quitting time. Eating like shit + drinking 5 cups of coffee = Doodytown, population YOU!
Get Shitfaced After Work
I don’t care if it’s at Happy Hour with your coworkers or alone in your apartment pretending that you’re drinking with Kenny Powers while binging “Eastbound and Down,” just get drunk. You’ve earned it. You deserve it. This is pretty much what running a marathon must feel like, which you wouldn’t know a thing about because of all that McDonalds, Chipotle and Chinese food you put in your system. Get some Long Island Iced Teas and just get absolutely blasted drunk. Because your next long stretch of time off won’t be until Thanksgiving.
Yeah. Think about that. You won’t be off from work this long until November. How does that make you feel? Drink another Whiskey Ginger, fat boy. It’ll make the pain go away.
Good luck, everyone!