How To Entertain In Your Home When You’re Poor As Shit

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We’ve all been there. You’re unemployed, just paid off a huge hospital bill or blew a ton of money at the strip club.

So what happens when you want to host or are unexpectedly thrust into the compromising position of having people over at your place? Well, don’t worry, you’ve still got a few tricks up your sleeve to take care of the #thirsty masses while maintaining that level of pretentiousness you so desperately cling to, because you have nothing else left.

1. Make a Signature Cocktail.

If you have a pre-mixed cocktail ready to go and in a reusable dispenser (the plastic ones are like $20 at any party store), then it won’t look bad that you bought off-brand liquor in plastic bottles. They’ll never know. Simply create a large batch of your mixed drink of choice beforehand and display cups in front of the dispenser along with a place card that lets guests know what they’re drinking. You know, because you’re classy as shit. Make something like a cape codder (vodka and cranberry juice) or anything similar with strong mixers so it won’t taste like you’re drinking rubbing alcohol.

2. Bread Appetizers.

What schmuck doesn’t like bread, or for that matter, baguettes? Get a lot of bang for your buck with those long, crusty and phallic looking delights. Pour generic olive oil into a glass dispenser (again, a reusable tool you can grab at the dollar store that will pay for itself many times over) and throw dried herbs in a dish that you can pour the olive oil over. Voila, you’re basically at a Bertucci’s in your own apartment.

3. A Decent Playlist.

Music can mask so many insecurities surrounding an otherwise lackluster or aesthetically bare party. If people are listening to one of their favorite songs while drinking a disturbing liquor to mixer ratio, they won’t really care that your window overlooks an alley with a fab view of the masturbating homeless person.

4. A Plastic Tub.

Don’t hesitate to repurpose your tailgating cooler as a party prop. Guests will feel much more comfortable grabbing a beer out of a within-reach tub than invading your kitchen space and fridge. It can also double as an inevitable ice bucket challenge for the three people that haven’t yet plastered theirs all over social media.

5. If All Else Fails, Start Funneling.

There’s no better way to elevate a party than with some good ol’ fashioned funneling, just like our forefathers did right before deciding to split from England. Funneling is one of the great equalizers of our generation, no one can resist the temptation of a full beer and the roar of the crowd as they conquer some of light beer’s best and any inner demons at the same time.

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Writer in NYC. To quote Dr. Seuss, "Being crazy isn't enough."

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