Wedding trends, man. I can hardly keep up.
First, we’ve got people doing live paintings at receptions. Then, we’ve got some some assholes paying upwards of five figs for ice sculptures. And now we’ve got something called the “earlymoon,” per Yahoo.
Earlymoons, which “gives [the bride and groom] a chance to de-stress and reconnect before tying the knot,” are quite possibly the most disgustingly privileged thing I’ve ever heard of, and I’ve heard of a lot of privileged shit.
One wedding planner said, “Earlymoons can be as simple as a staycation, driving to the beach, renting out a cabin, the point is to reconnect,” which leads to me to one very important question.
How rich are you people?
The average wedding cost is nearly $30,000 in 2017 and we’ve got couples dropping everything and spending money to go to Paris beforehand? Wow, not to sound like Jan in Accounting but “must be nice.” I mean, I know we’re not in a recession anymore but come on.
Just look at this couple who took one before their wedding:
“We were met with champagne and macaroons at the hotel [and] enjoyed some really nice dinners,” said Nick Hymer, 27, who took an earlymoon with his now-wife, Christina Hymer, also 27, to Paris before their wedding last year.
You’ve probably got Christina’s mom running around their local country club trying to sort out flower logistics while Nick and Christina are taking international flights and feeding each other macaroons like they’re the goddamn Royal Family. Call me old fashioned, but if I told my mom that I was going to Paris before a wedding, she’d hit me with an “Oh, no you’re not,” before telling me to lock it up.
Yahoo’s report also noted, “Seventy-one percent of engaged and newlywed couples said planning their wedding was more stressful than buying a home or finding a job.” No shit, Sherlock. But if you’re out there taking earlymoons, I’m pretty sure that buying a home and finding a job aren’t the most stressful things in the world. Pretty sure you’re flush with cash to begin with, so yeah, planning a luxurious 500-person party on your parents’ dime is probably a little more stressful than anything else.
What ever happened to just coping with stress with alcohol like Don Draper in the ’60s? Kids these days, I tell ya. .