My frosted-tipped tattooed spirit animal is making the magic happen in Flavortown, USA yet again.

The Players Super Bowl Tailgate touts itself as “the premier pre-game experience,” and I can’t find any reason to not believe that’s true. This year, it’s being hosted by somehow still-not-married Erin Andrews and is claiming to be attended by current Pro Bowl players, not retired stars of yesteryear.

That’s cool and all, but the real star of the party is without a doubt the menu by the legend Guy Fieri. Just take a look at this gluttonous masterpiece. Anything on this menu will instantly have you saying “Shut the front door, that’s killer!”

If I had $700 to burn and my favorite flame-covered button up T-shirt wasn’t at the dry cleaners, I’d be signing my letter of intent to eat at this thing in a heartbeat. This menu is to die for, as it literally may clog all your arteries and annihilate your tastebuds. There’s only so many times that you can go to Flavortown before it just becomes too much.

A few personal highlights:

Mac Daddy Mac & Cheese and Live Nacho Bar - because Guy’s first objective was obviously to top Cal Naughton Jr’s wedding to Ricky Bobby’s wife

Beau Mac’s Killer Raw Bar - I’m not sure what’s killer about it, the dynamite flavors, or the fact that this seafood may be under-cooked and literally kill you.

Doughnut Bread Pudding with Brown Butter Bacon Bourbon Glaze – Whichever one of these ingredients gives you a heart attack first, I don’t know, but either way, holy bread pudding batman, that’s out of bounds.

If anyone wants to send me to this and have me live-blog eating this monstrosity of a menu while sandwiched in-between lineman from the Browns who need the appearance money, give me a shout on Twitter..

Image via lev radin / Shutterstock.com