Feel Better About Yourself By Reading The Most Vile Stories From This Weekend

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A bottle of wine and a few Campari-sodas have a way of putting you to sleep early and drunk on a Friday night. Mix in some pasta and you’ve got a one-way ticket to Snooze Town, South Carolina.

But if that’s the worst thing I did over the weekend, I’m fine with it. Unfortunately for these people, they weren’t as lucky.

As always, these are true stories submitted anonymously to me. Identities have been removed, but their stories will live forever. Hopefully, they’ll make you feel better about yourself.

My old college roommate and his new girlfriend headed up to our college town to hang for the weekend. I live about an hour away, so I told him I’d drive on down Saturday and party with them. We drank a few beers during the day and polished off a couple mixed drinks and a bottle of vino at dinner. Went to a sporting event where we sipped on rum and cola. Finally head to the bars where I blacked out after what I can only assume was a number of shots (per both of our bank accounts). Leave the bar to go back where we were staying. Friend pisses himself so his girlfriend makes him sleep on the couch. I leave to go meet up with this freshman from Tinder (unsuccessful), proceed to get locked out of the place with both of them passed out and proceed to spend my night on wooden steps shivering until they wake up at 10am the next day. My ass has a bruise from sitting on the wood for all those hours that should last about two weeks.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again – nothing good ever comes of going back to your alma mater. You’re too old to relive your glory days and all it does is make you think, “Damn, I’m fucking washed.”

Also, what did it feel like to lower your age range on Tinder to 18 so you could match that freshman?

Overheard at Happy Hour that Third Eye Blind was coming to town. I am a huge TEB fan so I immediately got onto my phone to purchase a ticket. $75 was a little steep for GA, but I thought whatever. Well by this time I had about a pitcher of beer so my eyesight was a little hazy, and with all the commotion I was a little distracted. Got home and saw an email confirmation from OnlineCityTickets for $1150.07 – apparently I had bought twelve tickets, not one. This was a couple weeks ago and after numerous conversations with Chase about this “fraudulent” charge and the people from OnlineCityTickets, I am shit out of luck. Also I just realized that I didn’t buy GA tickets, I bought suit 7 VIP box tickets (WHY?!). I don’t actually get the tickets emailed to my account until the day before so I doubt I am going to be able to sell them by this time (if anyone was even willing to spend that kind of money for TEB). In other words, hmu if you want free tickets to TEB this July. Attached the screenshot for laughs.

Everyone please hit this girl up for some free Third Eye Blind tickets. Had this concert been in Austin, Texas, there’s about a 100% chance I’d take her up on it. I’m talking belting out lyrics to some deep cuts while taking down some Coors Banquets.

Major Local Golf Tournament this weekend, it’s Sat/ Sun. Left a couple strokes out there but otherwise left myself in 3rd place heading into Sunday. My motherfucking Amazon Echo didn’t set my alarm for my early Sunday morning tee time so I’m laying in bed thinking about how pissed my-my playing partners are at me, how my major tournament legacy is completely tarnished, and I have a pounding headache. Laying in bed hoping that either this is a terrible dream or that all my clocks are wrong.

Come on, man. You’re better than blaming Amazon Echo. You’ve gotta keep the iPhone alarm going at all times. The ‘Bedtime’ feature is unrivaled. Nothing stops you from an Instagram-binge like ‘Bedtime’ telling you it’s time to go to bed if you want your solid 7 hours.

Friday night I was pretty drunk with a couple friends, around 2:30am we decide to get calzones before heading home. At the restaurant we sit down and these two girls started talking to us. I’m browning in and out of the conversation but what I remember is seeing that they had X’s on their hands, so they’re under 21, but they’re drunk too so I just assumed they’re college girls. Before my friends and I head home we followed each other on social media. The next day I’m going through snap stories and one of the girls posted a picture of her graduating. From high school. Quickly unfollowed and removed all social media presence. Been questioning a lot of life choices today.

What’s with everyone attempting to hook up with younger girls this weekend? Is it because colleges are out and everyone’s going home? Is it because it’s summer and everyone’s throwing the rules out the window? I’m not shaming you (yes, I am), but I just want answers.

This is a bit long but I wanted to share the worst thing I did this weekend for everyone’s Monday enjoyment. I was in the bridal party for one of my best friends weddings and it took place in Florida. Wedding was Saturday so we all got there Thursday to have one beach day before rehearsals and everything started kicking off.

To cut to the good (bad?) part, I got very drunk on Thursday from drinking on the beach and then going out after. Fast forward to about 10:00PM, and I try to be responsible and take an Uber back to the hotel.

Everything went south when I put the wrong hotel info for the Uber. I ended up about half hour from where we were staying, but because I was so drunk I decided to just get a room at that hotel instead of taking a second Uber back. I went in and passed out.

I am now the reason why all of my friends have Find My Friends activated. I never told anyone about the new hotel, and since I wasn’t in my room when they got back, they tried to track me down. I had about 17 missed calls and an entire group message detailing the search. My friends looked everywhere which is bad enough, but eventually they decided to call the police and believe it or not they actually got involved. The police had a picture of me and a description, and where going around to bars and restaurants asking people if they saw me. Around 2AM I woke up and let everyone know what happened. The police called to verify everything and ended the call with “ok thank you we can now take you off the missing persons list”. I was literally a MISSING PERSON for several hours.

So many people got involved with this, that for the rest of the weekend I was the “missing girl” to the hotel staff and many of the wedding guests. Needless to say I didn’t drink much the rest of the weekend. I’ve never been more embarrassed in my life, and trust me, I do know I have fucking amazing friends.

I still had a blast at the wedding though!

Hey, sometimes you have to blaze the trail solo in order to really find yourself. On the plus side here, at least your friends were concerned enough to go out and find you. I’d imagine that if this exact scenario happened to me, my friends would wake up the next morning at brunch and say, “Anyone talk to Will?” only to have it followed up with, “Nah, he’s probably doing Whole 30 or something.”

I am currently driving back to Boston from the Jersey shore. My weekend started off light as my roommate and I drove back home for the weekend…6 hour drive after work. As we got back to NJ we promptly called an uber as we got off the exit to our town and headed to the local watering hole at 11pm to see a friend who was also home from out of state. We ending up closing the place down. Then Saturday rolls around I put on my best suit and head to an all day outdoor wedding for my former boss. After drinking an absurd amount of beer and liquor and dancing for hours I decided it was a good idea to go to Seaside Heights (where the show was filmed). Changed out of my suit threw on a Hawaiian and hit the bars at midnight.

Needless to say this was a horrible idea as I began shotgunning PBRs at a boardwalk bar. Then I woke up this morning and had to go to said friend from out of towns wife’s baby shower. For some god awful reason they invited guys to this. After drinking for over 12 hours the day before the mimosas did help though. What didn’t help was the sister-in-law decided to volunteer me for a game where I had to guess babyfood. This caused me to almost throw up some mixture of Jameson bud light and peas and carrots at the baby shower. After all of this I am currently driving back to Boston right now nearly dead where I will promptly pass out and have to wake up at 5am to go to a client in Rhode Island.

I was fine with this entire story until I imagined eating baby food with a Stage 5 Hangover. I’m not the “give me a burger and a large pizza” type when I’m hungover. I need a bagel with some lox and a tall glass of water that needs to be refilled every five minutes. Baby food? Nah. Worst case scenario.

I went out to the bars on Friday night and got absolutely annihilated. I met a guy in passing as we walked to different bars, and I got his number. I lost my friends, so naturally I texted him because I was alone at this point. I went to the bar he was at, but he said he had to take care of a drunk friend so we both went our separate ways home. We texted for the next hour, and I convinced him to come to my apartment to hook up at 3:30am, so I bought an uber for him. Next thing I know, it’s 9am and I have 10 missed calls from my apartment gate, a terrible voicemail from him, and an uber receipt email stating I paid $50 for a 32 mile, 52 minute uber ride for a hookup that never happened because I fell asleep. The bright side? He thanked me for the uber and ended his voicemail saying, “If you want this shit to actually happen next time, you have my number.” So from my understanding, I have the green light for a second chance. Still, I am scum.

Edit: I misread the story originally so my anecdote below, while true, does not make sense in this situation. But still.

I feel your pain on this one. Not because of anything with the guy. I’m talking about falling asleep in your Uber. Something happened between my 30th birthday and right now that’s caused me to fall asleep in pretty much every Uber I’ve gotten into. I’m not sure if it has to do with how much I’ve had to drink or with my deteriorating ability to stay up past midnight, but either way, big ups to all the Uber drivers out there waking me up in front of my house. You’re the real MVPs.

Spent the last week in Colombia with the boys. Was literally the best vacation I’ve taken to date. Did all the touristy stuff — and everything else you would expect on a boys trip to Colombia. Place is pretty sketch & corrupt, as expected. At one point our entire group got searched by the Policia while waiting for a boat we had lined up, boat never showed. Learned from locals that that’s pretty standard as they are just trying to find something to extort money out of you. No one got arrested, but still not a pleasant experience. Rest of the trip was about perfect. Good balance of party time, rest and taking in the culture.

Was out literally all night our last night all together, because of course. Woke up and nearly, intentionally missed my flight back to the states as I was probably still drunk and thought it was just sooo necessary at the time. End up deciding the extra $400 I would have to drop to stay an extra day with the rest of them probably wasn’t the most fiscally responsible option. Make it to the airport and proceed to get extra screening. Also, just a terrifying experience given my state at the time. 24 hour layover on my way home in Florida because my original flight was cancelled the day before I left, which is what I get for originally booking with Spirit. Original flight would have had me home Saturday evening. Spending the night/day here wasn’t the worst thing in the world, but obviously my own couch would have been about a million times better. Currently taxiing to take off, should be back at my apartment by about 11:30 PM tonight with 9:30 AM meetings tomorrow. Worth it.

You need to abide by the David Ruff Theory of Leaving Las Vegas. Yes, I know you were in Colombia, but still. I thought Dave’s move was psychotic until I started to realize the genius behind it. He gets on a 2 a.m. flight out on Saturday night / Sunday morning. When he touches down in Austin, it’s first thing in the morning and he can go home and sleep off the weekend in the comfort of his own bed. Probably only waking up to watch a ball game or Postmate some Popeyes. Never extend the trip. Ever. Under any circumstances.

I went back to my hometown for a high school friend’s wedding. My boyfriend didn’t come, so I downloaded Bumble and treated it like Dave’s StillGotIt. No shame.

So much respect for this. I mean, I’d never do it because the fallout from doing something like this is too much, but still. So much respect.

I’ve read weekend horror stories for quite awhile, it helps me tremendously. I always chuckled at the stories thinking I would never be here. Well here I am.

Best friend from college came into town, everyone always thought we had a thing even though we were consistently dating other people. Other people included me dating one of her best friends for a year…

We never made any moves in three years of friendship. Friday, I start drinking at office happy hour and parlay into dinner margs and straight to pregame shots for the bar. By 10pm I earned my ticket on the black out train. Little did I know my best friend was also on the train to black out town.

We wake up Saturday morning in my bed together a la nude. Proceed to go on a hike to sweat out all the alcohol where she decides to ask if there is anyway I would see us dating in the future. I’ve never been so tongue twisted.

Her weekend trip suddenly became a 24 hour trip when she decided to leave Saturday after dinner. Radio silence since….

This made me wildly uncomfortable. I wanted this to end like a Nora Ephron movie but, instead, you’ve made me crave answers to how this fiasco ended. Please hit me up with details on whether or not you ever talked. I need to know. .

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Will

Will (Twitter / Instagram) is the host of The Sunday Scaries Podcast.

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