Fall is upon us. Tis’ the season for pumpkin spice lattes, fashionable riding boots and designer scarves. Additionally, it’s the time of year when every single guy I know is partaking in the cult that is fantasy football. As a girl, I have zero idea what fantasy football entails. Every time one of my guy friends tries to explain it to me I zone out—intentionally. What I can deduce is that a bunch of bros get together, drink beers, have a “draft” to put together a fake roster, then gain points each week if the players on their fictional team do well? And there is some sort of monetary compensation involved for the winner? Am I on track here? I’m already bored with this, so I’m going to jump to the good part. I’ve decided to create my own fantasy football team. It’s going to be comprised of 11 players that I think would lead me to total FF domination. Take notes, guys. I’m pretty sure I’ve got this one in the bag.
1. The Guy From The Blind Side, Wingate Christian School
Sandra Bullock really raised this boy right. We know Big Mike loves pickup trucks, rugby polos and tackling his racist competition. I’m confident his strong family values will bring a sense of unity to the team, rendering us unstoppable to any opposition we may face.
2. The Rock, Boston Rebels
Do you smell what The Rock is cooking?! Ew, no, gross tagline, Mr. Rock, sir. First order of business drafting Dwayne would be throwing that creepy motto out the window. Can you imagine the pain he would bring to any man dumb enough to get in his way on the field? We would be a force to be reckoned with. Ever since being reunited with the daughter he never knew he had in ‘The Game Plan’, the Rock has proved to have a big heart, and even bigger biceps.
3. Lamar Odom, A Motel 6 Somewhere
As a former basketball star, and current crackhead, I think Lamar would find his new career as a FF player a nice break from the chaos that is his life. Sure, maybe he isn’t the fastest or strongest guy on the team, but have you ever seen someone on cocaine clean? They never tire!! Lam Lam would be like my own personal energizer bunny.
4. Tony Danza , Philadelphia Eagles
The Garbage Picking Field Goal Kicking Philadelphia Phenomenon.” Remember when he was discovered booting trash in a garbage dump and subsequently picked up as a kicker for the Philly Eagles? That was pure skill. He may fancy himself a talk show host these days, but I know he’s itching to lace-up the old cleats.
5. Aaron Hernandez, Bristol County House of Corrections
Perhaps the most aggressive (read murderous) player in the NFL since OJ, Aaron has proved himself to take no prisoners. Though I don’t agree with first-degree murder, per se, I do agree with “killing” the other team. Whether he’s on defense or offense, I think most players would think twice before getting in his way—for fear of becoming his prison bitch.
6. Radio, T.L. Hanna High School
Every team needs inspiration. And my team needs Radio. Though he won’t be on the field, he will be my assistant consulting on all matters FF. Radio will also provide pre-and-post-game pump up music in the locker room. Pandora? No thanks. Spotify? Definitely not. Radio will DJ my team to sweet victory.
7. Bobby Boucher, SCLSU
Talk about a hard-hitter. From The Waterboy to MVP, this backwater bumpkin has proved his athletic ability far exceeds his intelligence. His momma will have a lifetime ban from the field, but she is more than welcome to throw game-day rallies in her swamp.
8. Thad Castle, BMS Goats
Muscular build, close to no brains, Thad is the perfect addition to my team. He led the Blue Mountain State team to a cornfield victory, and threw countless killer house parties. With his pocket-pussy by his side, I know there is nothing Thad can’t do.
9. Reggie Bush, Detroit Lions
Can you IMGAINE the gossip Reggie and Lamar could feed me? It would be like a Kardashian-bashing reunion. Plus, remember that magazine spread he did where he’s doing a pushup with Kim on his back? Only a true warrior could lift that much woman, and look good doing it. I’m confident that his past experience in penetrating thick broads will provide as a solid foundation when faced with penetrating a beefy D-line.
10. Burt Reynolds, Mean Machine, Texas State Prison
If there is one thing movies has taught me, its that prisoners are generally innocent, good-looking, able-bodied athletes. The Longest Yard was no exception. Watching the silver fox that is Burt Reynolds take the field, stick it to the guards, and avenge Caretaker’s death made my fanny flutter. I would take this haggard QB over a young buck any day.
11. David Carr, Whereabouts Unknown
I googled “Hottest NFL Players” and his picture came up first. Never heard of him? Weird, me neither. Regardless I think he would bring rugged good looks to the team, in addition to his mediocre football skills. He should be honored he scored the last spot on my roster, considering he was let go from the NY Giants in August 2013, this could be his last chance at a (fake) career comeback.
Eat your heart out, fantasy football aficionados. Dream Team 2013.