If you really want to know someone, what do you do? Watch how they treat wait staff? Yeah. Observe their interactions with strangers. Sure. Make sure they hate the same things you do? That definitely helps. But one trait often overlooked is how that person acts in an airport. And the gross majority of the time, they suck. Just like everyone else.
You see, if there’s one thing on this planet I know I do better than 99% of the population, it’s airporting. My job requires that I travel across the country for a living, which means I’m constantly surrounded by infrequent travelers who quite literally lose all sensory knowledge and fine motor skills the moment they step foot in an airport. So to avoid this fate, follow my directions:
Choosing the right security line could mean the difference between comfortably making your flight and questioning every decision you’ve made in your degenerate life. You should always go for lines that don’t have families – especially ones with new parents. They probably left their middle child at the ticket counter and will make you wait as they attempt to mask the lifelong traumatizing pain they’ve just inflicted on their kin.
For women, always avoid lines with the female TSA members. Their testosterone levels far exceed the normal range, and with a worse government-sponsored job than Melania, they’re looking to take it out on whoever crosses their path. Do homegirl a fave and shove all the expensive Tumis ahead of you into the conveyer belt with all your might. All the businessmen will call you a cunt under their breath and she’ll give you a solid wink. It’ll be the best piece of positive feedback you get that week.
According to research, the average American says that they need at least 3.1 feet of personal space between them and a stranger in order to feel comfortable. When this is reduced to a mere fraction, it’s understandable tensions run high on flights. But tensions run higher when a few things happen:
1. Someone brings hot food on a plane. You’re a horrible human being and if this plane crashes, I hope you die a millisecond before me.
2. Someone just “half” stands up when you try to get out of the row. The second we hit turbulence, I’m now giving you a lap dance while on-lookers stare horrified and shame me all the way to the bathroom and back.
3. The aisle or the window seat claim ownership of the shared-middle armrest. Jesus be damned, if I have to politely shove one more man-spreading asshat off my armrest, I’m going full-on United on that B.
Post-flight is when us humans hark back to our gorilla roots. Brains are half the size, people grunt and shove their way through a tiny aisle, and you might even see an Asian person climb their way forward from row 28 if you’re lucky. After de-boarding, I want to get out of the airport as fast as humanly goddamn possible. My patience is lower than Trump’s approval rating, and I’ve been known to kick children out of my way. A little trick when leaving the airport is to always wear high heels and walk as loud as possible. That way, people can hear you coming and scurry off before you ram them with your 18-wheeler of an attitude. It’s the modern day Moses parting of the seas.
So the next time you travel, please use these tips appropriately. And for the love of God, don’t ever ask me to switch seats with you. I’m way too selfish for that. .