Things Girls Do After Graduation: The Bachelorette

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Things Girls Do After Graduation: The Bachelorette

“Twinsies!” she yelled as Caroline walked through the door with a bottle of wine in-hand. Katie had arrived just a few minutes earlier and was already sitting on the couch scrolling through her phone that rested on the pillow situated on her lap.

She was, in fact, matching head-to-toe with Caroline right down to their messy buns – Lululemon Tight Stuff Tights paired with an oversized chambray button down shirt, an outfit that had become a staple in their friend group.

“Anyone else coming?” Caroline asked while setting her wine on the kitchen island.

“Nope,” she responded, “Just us!”

“Ohhhhhh,” Caroline gushed, “What’s this over here?”

Caroline reached her hand out and grabbed a slice of cheese from the meat and cheese board that she’d prepared in the hours leading up to their watch party.

“I was going to just get some things from Trader Joe’s,” she told Caroline, “but their produce and meat selection is just so eww that I had to run to Whole Foods instead. Ughhhhh.”

Caroline took some whole seed mustard and plopped a dollop on top of a piece of sausage before shoveling it into her mouth. “I haven’t eaten all day,” she told them before asking, “Sooooooo, who do you think’s going to win tonight?”

Katie still wasn’t listening while sitting on the couch scrolling through her Instagram’s discover feed.

“Ugh, IDK,” she responded. “Like, I feel like she should choose Peter but I also feel like she’s just so into Bryan that she’s def going to pick him.”

“Right?” Caroline responded. “I mean, I feel bad for poor Eric because she’s just clearly so not into him at this point. Plus, if Peter’s going to refuse to propose… boy, bye.”

“I mean,” she hesitated, “I actually respect Peter for speaking his mind and holding off to propose until he’s ready.”

Caroline looked at her with a befuddled look on her face. “Uhhhh,” she muttered. “What?”

She finished chewing her bite of prosciutto before further explaining an opinion Caroline never thought she’d hear out of her mouth. “It’s just, like, Peter doesn’t have to propose. Love takes time, you know?”

“Uhhhhhh,” Caroline responded, “And this is coming from a girl who’s pretty much had heart emoji eyes for every engagement ring she sees on Instagram…”

“Caroline!” she shouted, prompting Katie’s head to peek up from the other side of the room. “That’s mean!” She wasn’t actually mad as much as she was surprised that Caroline was so quick to bring up her personal conundrum.

“Just saying…” Caroline went on as she headed towards the couch.

“Rachel is thirsty, though,” she explained while heading towards the couch herself. “But if she wants to turn down Peter’s hotness for Bryan’s fake cheeks, that’s her problem.”

Katie and Caroline looked at each other, clearly with the exact same thoughts running through their heads. Katie reached forward to grab the stemless wine glass she’d overpoured her cab into and took a sip before finally chiming in.

“So what you’re saying is that you don’t think it’s okay for Rachel to have reservations about choosing Peter because he’s not sure if he wants to get engaged yet? Isn’t he, like, 30?”

Her back was officially against the wall.

“All I’m saying is that someone shouldn’t be forced to propose to someone if they’re not personally ready,” she explained to them. Her response was met with two eye rolls and a subsequent laughter.

“You guys!” she exclaimed, “I’m serious!”

She grabbed the remote and queued up the menu to see what time it was. With The Bachelorette finale not starting for another twenty minutes, she knew she was going to have to further explain herself.

Caroline decided to chime in again, getting too much entertainment out of comparing Rachel’s suitors with Todd.

“Hey Katie, remember last Christmas when–”

“Shut up!” she interrupted. “That’s not even funny!”

Caroline and Katie continued their cackling.

“Out of everyone in this room,” Caroline continued, forcing words out between her laughs, “You’re definitely the one who puts out the least ‘chill girl’ vibes when it comes to proposals.”

After taking yet another sip of wine, she looked Caroline up and down and snidely remarked, “Yeah, coming from a girl who got engaged after, what was it? Like, six months?”

“Uhhhhh,” Caroline chimed in, “It’s not like I was begging for a ring.”

Katie had returned to scrolling her phone, well-knowing that it was likely best to avoid contributing to the conversation before it got ugly.

Exasperated yet realizing that Caroline was mostly right, she refused to back down. “I mean, had Todd proposed to me after only six months, I probably would’ve said no. That’s so soon. So to, like, get engaged in a matter of a couple weeks on national television is just so cheesy and forced.”

It was clear that, at this point, the conversation had completely shifted from Peter and Bryan to Todd and John.

“Ummm,” Caroline began, “I’m sorry, but when you know, you know.”

She rolled her eyes and stood up from the couch, walking back to the kitchen to refill her wine glass while still continuing the dead-end of a conversation. She was now facing the couch where the other two girls sat trying to formulate the argument that she’d just dug herself into a hole with.

“I think it’s noble for Peter to wait,” she began explaining with a very matter-of-fact tone. “It’s honestly kind of sketchy that Bryan is so up front about trying to get engaged immediately. Like, ew, he’s 37. There’s probably a reason he’s still single outside of his gross style and stupid fake face.”

“Well,” Caroline addressed her, “You’re obviously ready for Todd to propose, right?”


“And you knew early on that you wanted to spend the rest of your life with him, right?”

“I mean, yeah.”

“And you’ve spent the last two years wondering when he’s going to propose, right?”

“Uh, I guess,” she responded, knowing that Caroline was trying to wear her down. “Get to the point.”

“So wouldn’t it all make sense to just cut the wishy-washy ‘will he or won’t he’ conversation completely out of it from the beginning, when you actually know?”

She walked from the kitchen back towards the couch and picked up the remote.

“Alright, shh, I think it’s starting.”

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Will deFries (Twitter / Instagram) is a Senior Editor at Grandex and the world's foremost authority on Sunday Scaries (Twitter / Instagram).

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