Everything You Need To Know About San Francisco, By Someone From St. Louis


Though crafting my own damning, wildly uninformed review on San Francisco is something I’m excited to dive into, I’d be remiss if I didn’t lead with this clip from the South Park episode portraying San Francisco. It’s an accurate summation of my views on the city, and Cartman’s reaction to San Franciscans may as well be my own (starts at the 30-second mark). Consider this clip the Cliff’s Notes.

Aside from a heroic group of San Franciscans who roam the city at night, tipping over Smart Cars, the citizens of San Francisco should probably do the rest of the country a favor and fall into the gaping crevice (which they will almost certainly pronounce cre-vaahhs) that rips open and drops them into hell the next time God justly tries to wipe this overpriced assortment of shacks on 85 degree angle hills from the face of the Earth.Every time I see the destruction of San Francisco portrayed on film, I cheer for the antagonist (though I’d argue San Francisco is the real antagonist). During the last two “Planet of the Apes” films, I cheered for the apes both times.

After all, the San Francisco dwelling humans were fighting to regain their old way of life. Who in their right mind could endorse that? In fact, shouldn’t they have been happy that they couldn’t use electricity anymore, and that they were running out of fossil fuels? I see who you really are, San Franciscans. You’re all for smugly telling the rest of the country to save the planet and conserve resources until someone takes away your MacBook Airs and coffee house Wi-Fi. Then it’s all, “OMG NOOO! We need ALL the gasoline! Kill the animals! WE DON’T CARE JUST LET US WORK ON OUR SHITTY POETRY IN PEACE!” The cost of living in that city is so mind bogglingly high, the cardboard boxes the legion of homeless that roam San Francisco sleep in cost more than my car.

This city is smug enough without another World Series title.

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Rob Fox

Rob Fox is a Senior Writer for Total Frat Move (as Bacon), Rowdy Gentleman, and Post Grad Problems. He is a graduate, without honors, from the University of Missouri. From St. Louis originally, he currently lives in Austin, Texas, and still has not admitted to his family what he does for a living. He is also prone to having wet nightmares ever since losing his virginity in a haunted house. Email:

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